I have been living full time as a woman for about three years. I am heading for Thailand to finish by the end of the month.
To be truthful, since my Orchiectomy and beginning Hormones, I don't have a sexual attraction. When I return, I shall be fully female, but there is no physiological reason for my desires to change.
I have not recently sought male companionship, but I do have several female friends.
I have discovered that I have an emotional need to be with a man. I want him to be handsome, strong, and intelligent. I plan to fully occupy the roll of the 50's female. So, I don't know if I am lying to myself or what. I would happily please a man in any of the traditional ways. Anal is not one of them.
I am just trying to be truthful to myself here. I consider myself a heterosexual woman, but am I in fact Gay?
Gwenellen
Better to ask a pro
This is something you need to discuss with a therapist who is experienced in gender issues, the transgendered, and pre & post-op transsexuals.
But here's my two cents. Never mind the birth body, it's what's in your head that counts. If you see yourself as female, then that's all the reason you need for your change. If you see yourself as female and desire a relationship with a male, then you are straight.
I'm post-op and have never had relations with a male. A female - yes, several in fact. So I consider myself a lesbian. I'm also a bit of a tomboy, and prefer jeans to dresses. My surgery was to complete my desire to be as female physically as possible, and that's as good a reason as any I know of. Now, there are those in the gay and lesbian community who will not share my attitude, that's their option.
You do need to be sure what you are doing before you do anything, IMHO. If you are not seeing a counselor of some kind, you should be. And if you aren't happy with the first one you find, continue to look. This is all about being happy with yourself, and that starts with being happy with the person you open your "soul" to.
The above is drastically simplified, and should not take the place of real advice and guidance from a professional in the field.
Luck to you!
Karen J.
"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity." Anonymous
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
Dozens of Counselors
I have had various counselors about 2/3 of the time since I was 30. That is 30 years of Counseling. You know, you pay these people and sometimes I think they will say about anything to keep you paying. I just wanted the opinions and experiences of the people here.
Gwen
I understand all too well.
As I said, you may have to look around to find one that is right for you. It took me a long time as there were other factors clouding the issue, such as the fact I had been molested when young. Many of them refused to accept that I already knew I was in the wrong body when the incidents occurred.
The others are right, you need to make up your own mind. But a good counselor/therapist can help you reach the point where you can.
If that's not the answer you are looking for, I'm sorry. But I'm leary of giving advice to a total stranger on the Internet. I can only tell you how I feel, not what's right for you.
KJT
"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity." Anonymous
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
If you define yourself ...
... as a heterosexual woman and are attracted to men (or even just a specific type of man), it sounds to me like you're a heterosexual woman. Being a woman and wanting a man sort of puts you in the hetero category (in my unprofessionall opinion) -- unless you also are attracted to women as well, in which case bisexual might be more appropriate. *smile*
Again, NOT a professional therapist or anything -- just someone who works with words for a living.
*hugs* I wish you well, Gwenellen -- good luck finding your dream guy! *smile*
Randalynn
I'm Straight.
I like guys. Correction: I love guys. I could never fathom having any form of sexual relationship with another girl. And yet I've never dated any of the gay guys I've known. Why?
Because I'm not gay- I'm a straight girl with some problems. I don't want anal sex with my boyfriend, and I don't want to date a guy who sees me as a guy, because that would be lying to both of us. Who I am inside is what counts, not what's on the surface, but the surface matters enough to keep me from dating.
You really do just have do decide whether you see yourself as a guy with guys or a girl? I may only be twenty, but I know enough about who I am inside to know that I'm not and never have been 'gay'- to be honest, I find the idea of gay sex a little gross- yet I only ever imagine myself with guys as a girl.
Melanie
As confusing as it is,
It is odd but I do not feel gay either. I think I am a hetwoman. I also think that I am Bi. Apparently lots of transwomen are Bi. However, I think that my first choice would be a gentle giant.
I had a BF who was waaaaayyyy over 6ft and near 300lbs. He was huge and could have easily overpowered my tiny 5'7" body. It was a huge disappointment to me at the time that I had not had my plumbing corrected.
He died rather unexpectedly and I miss him terribly.
It feels really strange because for much of my life, I hated males with all the malevolent will I had. I further hated having the physical body of a male. I tried to destroy my body by over work and cutting.
Now that I have transitioned, had some surgery, and take E, I find that I am very attracted to men. I love other women to but for their emotional softness, and the fact that they do not engage in "A" behaviour.
Gwenellen
truthful?
The one person you can never really lie to...for long...is yourself. It sounds to me like you need to do some seriously honest, self evaluation. Counsellors/psychiatrists can help and guide, but you are the one living it, so you have to decide who you are.
As to whether your sexuality is directly linked to being TS/TG or whatever is a moot point. From what you say you are a woman, with some extraneous bits. Well heh, so am I. Am I the prototypical woman, 50's or otherwise? I sincerely doubt it. But I am me. I choose(?) to call myself female even though that might be a split hair legally. My name (now) says one, my legal identity - by gender at birth- says another. Surgery? Well I might win the lottery.
Who you find attractive sexually should be a blend of physical and mental attraction. That might be (heavily) influenced by preconceptions and vague desires. But who you find yourself wanting to be with, share with, including sex, is personal. To me it is a little fluid. I have had two relationships both with women..as a sorta man and have been single for about 10 years. I lean a little to women, which may be a transitional hangover. Perhaps that would change completely post surgery, I don't know. But...and maybe this paints me Bi... I think the person is more important than the gender. So I could go either way.... depending. I guess what I'm saying is don't worry about it. If you find someone, guy or gal, congrats. If they can see and love YOU and you feel the same, that's all that matters.
Kristina
Be happy
You are doing something you have always needed to do, complete the transition and have your operation. That is a major step. Where you go from there is a different issue from your need to be phsycially a women.
Will you be attracted to men, women, both or neither? Who knows. Does it matter though as long as there is love?
I've been married and have three wonderful children. When I decided to transition she couldn't see I was the same person and left me. We are still friends and I still see a lot of the children (aged between 4 and 10). I'm now Mummy Karen.
Since then I have met a wonderful person called Samantha. She is a male to female transsexual like me. This really confused my parents.
Anyway I digress.
Who you see, or who you are is not important as long as you love each other and are happy. It might take a few relationships to find someone or some type you are happy with. Does it matter what label someone attaches to that relationship? Who's business is the relationship to anybody but the two (or more if that grabs you) people in the relationship.
Good luck with your surgery. I fly out in under two weeks to let Samantha, my partner, achieve her need to be physically female. I have to wait at least till next year. Who knows you might be having the same surgeon.
Hugs
Karen
Semantics
As Shakespeare said, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
As for the gay question, ask yourself who this label matters to, and why. I think you'll find that, especially once you get back from Thailand, most strictly gay men wouldn't consider you a viable romantic or sexual partner. Gay women might, but it sounds like you wouldn't consider them to be viable romantic or sexual partners. A word is just a label after all; if calling you "gay" serves no useful purpose to the people to whom that label has a practical meaning, then why do it? Unless you feel like it, of course. You'll only confuse everyone, but sometimes that's useful too.
On the other hand, a label will influence how people see you, and can even influence how you see yourself. So ask yourself how you want to be seen, and how you want to see yourself. Which label feels more comfortable? A label is a tool, a shorthand, a way to simplify life, thought, and communication; it bears absolutely no relation to any hypothetical underlying Truth. You're not being dishonest with yourself by using the label that feels like it best fits your situation.
By the way, in my experience a "gay man who hates the idea of being gay" is in the closet (or denial), not transitioning - if that's what you're worried about. I can't fathom where that concept even came from.
Don't worry about labels
It sounds like it's some male residue hanging around in your psyche, where gay/straight is this black and white thing.
You're a woman now, and there's a lot more fluidity of sexual definition for women in our society.
If a man tells his girlfriend about the time in college he had sex with another guy, she'll think he's gay and in denial. If a woman tells her boyfriend about the time she had sex with another girl, he'll think she's sexy.
Sexy?
In retrospect, I am now fairly certain that my X wife had at least one affair. When I was originally told by my daughter, I simply said that was not true. I have no idea if it was denial or if I just had so much faith in her as a woman that I did not believe it.
Since the divorce, I have learned other things which lead me to believe that she was perhaps, not faithful.
I was married 39 years to the woman and for me, the marriage was about mutual trust and not about sex or gender.
Gwen