"It's not like you won't see each other again."
-- Another quick kiss and he was gone...

Part 6 of 8

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Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset Classic on Wednesday, 08-27-2003 - 08:23:51 pm and migrated to BigCloset TopShelf, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
 
Image Credit: Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
 

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Part 6 – To Life and Living

As the familiar swirling took me back to my body, I found that I was crying. I wasn't ready to come back. I needed to spend more time with the baby. It took me a while before I could settle down and think again. Afterward, I could only reflect that the pain that I had endured would be with me forever. I would also never look at pain in the same light. Even though I had been hurt and dealt with pain before, it had never been on that scale. The experience had enabled me to deal with the more normal, tiny pains and push them off to the side.

Since I hadn't received a note with this latest charm, I had no idea what I had to do. Remembering back to the original letter, I remembered that this challenge was for living. I looked at the new charm, ready to put on the necklace. The weight of those things seemed to be heavier than life truly was. I felt that I had double the life's experiences now because of this quest. It was still hard to deal with and it seemed that each one had been getting harder to go through, yet I still managed to get through it on top.

Recalling what the letter said about life and how it must go on, I tried to match the words with the charm. The book-shaped item in my hand was strange; I couldn't make the connection. Was life like a book, something that you could read, or was it that life was not like a book? I sometimes wished the quest were just a book.

Not wanting to do much thinking about this until I had to, I took the necklace off, attached the new charm and put the necklace on again. The spinning took over my life again.

Once the spinning stopped, I had to be careful of my position. I was wrapped up in someone's arms being kissed. Since the passion I felt had to be from Jennifer's husband, I added my own to it. He was a good man and worth my efforts. All too quickly for my liking, he broke it off. As we separated, I took a good look at him to see how long it had been since I was last here.

Dan's face still held the handsome looks that he had always had, but the lines that traversed the corners of his eyes and mouth revealed that his youth was a thing of the past. The gray hair creeping backwards from his temple showed that he was aging well. He had obviously been taking good care of himself because I could feel very hard muscles underneath his shirt. He seemed to be working hard at formulating his thoughts.

"Honey, while I'm away at this shoot, please make sure that the kids are taken to see my parents. Mom and dad have been pestering me to bring them over for the last week or so. They miss the kids and want to spoil them some more." Dan was leaving? What sort of shoot was he going to? What had changed in their lives?

"I will, sweetie. Is there anything else you'd like me to do while you are gone?" I felt that I had to play this one by ear and hope I said the right things.

"Not really, just keep yourself occupied like you normally do. If worse comes to worse, take the kids to my parent's house and leave them for a week. After that, you wouldn't have anything to be bored over since they would be spoiled rotten and you would never get them to mind us again." He said that with a twinkle in his eye knowing that his parents love the kids more than anything else in the world.

Jennifer! Why would you get bored? "Ok, sweetheart. But is there any way that I could come with you? You know I can get Heather to watch the kids and I can go with you and be your companion."

"Sorry, honey, but you know the studio does not want to let its people get distracted. Besides, this is only going to be a four-week shoot. I will be home in one month unless we have problems. And I do not foresee any with this one."

"Ok, Sweetie, I will be here when you are done." I was sad that I would have to wait four weeks to see him again. What would I have to look forward to if he was not around?

Because of my intense desire to be with Dan, I hadn't paid any attention to where we were. A woman came up behind us and announced, "Mr. Sparks? We will be taking off in twenty minutes, so would you join the rest of the people getting ready to board the plane? Thank you." With that, she walked off to do something else.

"Sorry about that honey. I have to get onboard the plane so we can go to the site." He gave me another quick kiss before bending down and picking up his carry-on satchel. "I'll be back in four weeks. Don't let the kids run roughshod over the city, as you like to do. They are too hard to control when I get back from my trips otherwise. You have to remember that you are not a teenager like them and let them do what you used to do, alright? I love you."

"I love you, too," I told him sincerely.

A voice from a ways away spoke up, "Come on, Dan, we need to go. You two can talk when we get there. It's not like you won't see each other again."

Another quick kiss and he was gone. The group he joined turned and walked down a loading ramp. I watched them exit and walk to a larger private jet. My heart was breaking because I would not get to see him for a while and I already missed him. He turned to the window where I was standing with my face pressed against the glass. He put his hand to his lips, kissed it and threw it to me. I pretended to catch it and held it to my chest for a moment before putting it to my lips, signifying that I accepted his kiss. He climbed onboard the plane and was gone from sight.

I watched as the ground crew finished the loading of bags and equipment into the cargo areas. I could see the pilots preparing for the ignition of the engines so that they could take off. Within moments, I could hear and feel the rumble of the jets igniting, preparing to take my love away from me. I watched as the tractor backed the plane from its parking spot and positioned it so that it could take control, ready to escape the bonds of earth.

A higher setting of the throttle moved the plane away after the tractor uncoupled. I watched it taxi to takeoff position. After several minutes of waiting for the larger planes to leave, it was finally Dan's turn. I saw the heat from the exhaust increase and the plane started down the runway, its speed building quickly. I watched as the front lifted from the ground and soon the rear wheels followed suit. The plane began a quick climb into the air but as I watched, a jet of flame blasted out of the engine and cut off as quickly.

I watched in stunned horror as the plane tipped side-ways and plummeted into the ground at high speed. The fireball from the exploding fuel was the last thing I saw as I fainted.

As I came to, I had a crowd of people standing around me. Someone knelt beside me with a cool pack, holding it against my forehead. I sat up quickly, got to my feet and ran back to the glass. There was the last sight I had seen but more chaotic. Fire crews sprayed retardant foam around the blaze and the thick black smoke was still billowing up into the air.

I turned towards the people standing there and asked desperately, "What happened? Why did the plane go down? My husband was on that plane!" At that sudden realization, I started screaming, "Dan, Dan! No! Don't let it be his plane! No! Don't let it be his plane!" I kept screaming those words for several minutes while pounding on the glass, trying to get out through it somehow. My efforts were wasted and I was hysterical in a way that I had never been before. I felt a slight pricking sensation in my rear, but it wasn't enough to interrupt my hysteria. Before too long, though, the blackness claimed me again.

As I regained consciousness again, I felt the familiarity of Jennifer's bedroom. Heather was with me, sitting beside me and holding my hand. There was a very sad look on her face as she regarded me.

"Heather, please tell me it's not true. Please tell me that Dan's plane didn't crash. Please? I'm not ready for this. I should have taken a longer break before I came back here." I was not nearly hysterical, but I was crying hard. I knew the truth, but it didn't help me at all. Dan was dead and Jennifer was a widow. More to the point, I was a widow until I was done here.

"Michael? You're right, this is not the right time to be here but you have to deal with it." She said sadly to me.

I thought again to the happy moments that I had had with him but his death was hard on me. That was the last thing that I expected to have happen. I loved Dan with all my and Jennifer's heart and he was gone so quickly. There was no way that I could describe the agony of the soul that I felt at that moment. Why did life have to be so harsh? Why couldn't we have been left alone to share our time together? Why? I was crying so hard, I wasn't making any kind of sense in my babbling. Heather could only hold me and share my tears.

I have no idea how long I was a vegetable. I was so lost in my misery that I had no idea there was even a world around me. I slept more than I was awake. I found out later that I had had to be sedated because I was so hysterical. I didn't recall any of the events from those lost days.

The funeral plans weren't made for several days because of the crash investigation. Finally, I was weaned from the sedatives and allowed to come out of my stupor. I was in was horrible state, but I knew that I would have to shake it off and take on some responsibility. There were funeral plans to be made and I had to be at the head of them. I left the bedroom to survey the damages done by my absence.

I was greeted by shouts of "Mom!" from several kids. A trio of youngsters nearly gang tackled me as they came running over to hug me. I returned their hugs with gusto. It seemed that Jennifer and Dan had been prolific in my absence. There were two girls and one boy hugging me. One girl was nearly as tall as I was and the boy seemed to be catching up with her. The second girl looked like she was going to be at least as tall as Jennifer. All three had the dark hair of Jennifer and both girls had her violet eyes. The boy had his father's looks and blue eyes. Just seeing him caused me to burst out crying. I held him tightly as well as the girls until I was cried out.

As I finally dried my tears, the younger one said, "Mommy, it will be ok. God is watching over Daddy now." That started me crying all the harder.

Through my tears and sobs, I told her, "I know, sweetie, but mommy misses him so much and I don't know what to do."

All three of the kids closed in on me again and joined me with their tears. Their inner pain and suffering washed over me. They were suffering more than I was with Dan's death. They had been around him all their lives and knew him much more than I did. I may have loved him intermittently; they loved him with their existence. More than anything else, he was their father! My whole being hurt for them and I had to do everything to help them overcome their loss.

I was not their mother, but I had to be their absolute support. I had never been close to a death like this before and I had no idea what to do about it. I would have to wing it as best as I could. That would be the hard part of this quest. I have never really been a tower of strength, but I would have to find it within me.

I led the kids over to the couch and sat down with them. The girls were hurting but the boy had had his role model cut out of his life completely. With no male figure in his life, he could very well go the wrong way. Jennifer would have to be very careful with him. Maybe the best thing was to have Dan's father be a stand in for as long as needed.

I had no idea what these kid's names were. I may have given birth to the older one, but I was taken away before she was named. I looked for Heather, finding her looking around the corner at me and the kids. I still had my arms around them as I signaled her. I nodded lightly towards the kids and mouthed, 'What are their names?'

Enlightenment showed briefly on her face. She moved to me and knelt down. Looking to the older girl, the boy and the younger girl, she addressed them in turn: Heather, Robert, Myra, would you leave us for a few minutes? Your mother and I have something to discuss. They nodded and left.

I looked at Heather in relief and said, "Thank you. I had no idea what to call them." I had to go silent as the kids came back from errands that had obviously been laid out for them once I had been able to awaken from my stupor.

I drank the water, ate the toast and examined the papers. They were standard documents regarding the disposition of the deceased. I really didn't care to deal with them at the moment, but sighing heavily, I read through them. A note on one of the papers suggested a closed casket funeral or cremation because of the heavy fire damage to the body. I would have to discuss this with Dan's parents and the kids. I just wished that it were Jennifer's decision and not mine.

I was getting a headache just thinking about it all. I had to stop and put the papers down before I developed a full-blown migraine. What I would give to be Jennifer after giving birth to Heather again. It was a much happier time. Why did Dan have to die? Tears threatened to roll down my cheeks again but somehow, I managed to force them back. I could only sit there silently as the doorbell rang.

Heather went to the door and answered it. A minute later, Jennifer's mother as well as Dan's parents came into the room. Upon seeing them, I nearly lost it again. I was so miserable that I could hardly contain myself. Dan's mother hugged the girls while mom held onto Robert. Robert seemed to be her favorite.

Knowing that I was hurting as much as the kids were, mom came over to me and held me tight. I finally began to understand how she must have felt when her husband had died all those years ago. Jennifer must have been very young when it happened and I didn't know the details of it.

All I could say to her was, "Why mom, why did it have to happen? Why? I miss him so much." I started crying my broken heart out on her shoulder.

She could not answer me. She just hugged me tighter. Robert joined us. With two people in her arms, she could only stand there and cry with us. Robert obviously loved his grandmother and she, him. I managed to run down to sniffles again. Would I ever run out of tears?

I glanced over at Mr. and Mrs. Sparks. Mr.. Sparks had Myra in his arms and was hugging her while she sobbed uncontrollably. Mrs. Sparks had hold of Heather and was letting her cry her eyes out. Obviously, the Sparks' had had their own little bout of crying because they held it very well when they dealt with the children. I wished that I could control myself as well as they could. I knew their own private time would be in remembrance of Dan and his life. He had held my heart in the palm of his hand. Now he was gone and my heart was gone with him.

Mom whispered to me, "I need to sit down. My legs are killing me and will give out if I don't get off them."

Together, we moved over to the couch. I snuggled closer to mom and told her, "Thank you for coming over. I'm not sure that I can handle this by myself."

She replied quietly, "I came over because Heather called me and told me that someone special was back in town who was very sad. I knew what she was talking about right away. I had to come. How long have you been here?"

"Since before he boarded the plane. I managed to get one last kiss before he left."

"That was more than I got from your father. We had had a fight and he left angry. I never saw him alive again. I'm thankful you, at least, had the chance to tell him good bye. I hope that you told him that you loved him."

"I did, but I didn't think it would be the last time I would be able to tell him that. Why is God so cruel to you and Jennifer, mom? He has taken both of your husbands from you too soon. They should have been able to see their children grow up and see their own grandchildren before dying."

"I don't know, Jennifer. If I were able to read God's mind, I could tell you, but that's not possible. We can only sit here wondering why this cruelty happens; we will never have the answer. We live with it regardless."

I was ready to scream. I held it in instead and said, "I do not want to live with it. I want Dan back! God, I miss him so much!" A new round of tears poured down my cheeks. I have never cried so much in my life as I did during that terrible time. My ribs were starting to hurt from the crying, but there was no way that I could stop. The hurt was in me so deeply that it would never leave.

I sent the kids off to be with Heather while I discussed the funeral arrangements with mom and the Sparks' for a couple of hours. We all came to an agreement to have his remains cremated. At least we would be able to have our own private family ceremony. I signed the papers at that point, sealing the decision. I would make sure that they would be sent to the right people for processing.

The next couple of days were the hardest for me. A memorial service was set up for the following weekend. Since there would be no casket for him, we would display the urn containing his ashes along with a picture of him when he was doing what he loved to do - act. We hired the largest church in the city for his memorial service, making a sizable donation to its operating fund for the privilege.

The days passed slowly for all of us. Nobody was sleeping well and the kids were sitting around in a daze. I was too lost in my own thoughts of Dan to do too much moving around either. I wasn't eating and sleep was not something that was a necessity for me. I went to the bedroom most nights, but without the aid of a tranquilizer, I couldn't sleep. I read through Jennifer's journal and made my own entries into it.

Many of my tears were dropped into the book as well as my words. I poured my pain and agony into the pages that were before. Jennifer, I knew, would not understand what was going on when she came back. She would have to deal with her own grief and would not be able to do so as publicly as I had been able to. Her pain would be more than mine because she had spent more than eighteen years with him.

The candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long. Dan's burned so brightly while he was alive. He was the star of the show once I met him and my life revolved around him whenever I was living Jennifer's life. I hated the thought of the loss in Jennifer's world and can only feel the most sympathy for her.

I clipped out the obituary notice from the local newspaper and put it in the journal. I made sure that I added the articles about the crash and the loss of the thirty people who were on the plane. According to the paper, Dan was one of several important people on the flight and he was still in demand in Hollywood and had been pulling in multi-million dollar payments for his movies. We were expecting to have many of Hollywood's finest at the memorial service on Saturday.

The day of the Service dawned like any ordinary day, but this one would be one that I would remember for the rest of my life. There were people there who had known Dan in grade school talking about what a great man he had been. Many of the speakers from high school angered me because of lies they told concerning the 'good old days' but I decided to keep a civil tongue in my speech. I had been asked to speak last. The service lasted six hours.

The most touching words came from people who had starred with him in his movies. Those were the words that I cared for the most and would cherish for all time.

Finally, it was my turn. People had tried to talk me out of giving a speech during the week, but I would not hear of it. I had to for my sake and for Jennifer's sake. I walked to the podium and prepared myself. When I was ready, I started talking.

"Thank you all for coming here today in the time of my family's grief. I stand before you all a shell of a person. The center of my being has been taken from me and I have gone through many emotions since that fateful day when I watched his plane go down. Dan's precious life as well as twenty-nine others were quickly ended. I grieve for their families as well as mine over the loss.

"Dan's spirit was contagious as was his happiness. It was a very rare occasion to see anything other than a smile on his beautiful face. He was a very easy person to get along with but brooked no guff from anyone. He also stood up for others who could not do so themselves.

"He had a love for life that was second to none. He was a champion for all causes and without a moments hesitation or thought to himself, he would go to do battle for what he felt was right."

I had to pause briefly to catch my breath and to keep from crying again.

"We have three wonderful, lovely children who will always miss their father. He will miss their first dates, their high school proms, their graduations, their weddings and the births of their future children. Their children will never get to know the wonderful man he was and for that, I am saddened for their loss.

"Within our years of marriage, I shared with him his love of acting and cherished the time he spent with us. His life held excitement for him and he used his mind and acting skills to make people think.

"With his loss, the world is a poorer place and my life is much emptier. I will never find another person to take his place. I will have to somehow fill that hole myself and do it for the rest of my life.

"Good bye, my love. I will miss you every day of my life and in the lives of our children. I will one day see you again. However long in coming that day is, I will try to live my life the way you told me to live it when we last exchanged words."

"Thank you again for coming." As I closed my speech, I looked over the audience. There was not a dry eye in the house.

The whole service closed with a prayer for the deceased and for the strength of the families involved. Then it was dismissed. As people started filing out, many stopped to give their condolences. I hugged them and thanked them for their words.

Afterwards, there was a reception held for all who attended. I was able to meet many of the people Dan had worked with over the years. All had been saddened to hear about his death. Many said that he had inspired them to be all they were and what they did. I told them to use his memory to inspire them to greater heights

The day seemed to finally be moving quickly as I talked to people and grew closer to them. To many of these people, Dan represented a tower of hidden strength. He was there for them whenever they needed it and was always available to listen. The people loved him and all were as sad as I was.

To live through this was a nightmare for me. I acted like I was completely together in my head when I was exactly the opposite. I was so tired of acting like I was strong. I was crumbling into a powder on the inside while the shell was standing strong for people to see. It was at this time that I learned what acting was all about.

The day finally drew to a close and all the people went home. I was still wishing that this were all a bad dream, that things would be ok in the morning and we would all be happy and laughing again.

The children were moving around in a daze, much as I had been earlier on. They were suffering the hardest of us all. Over the coming weeks, they would need to snap out of it or things would get even worse for them. I was sure that they would get over this eventually, but I could tell that I was doing something wrong. Most of my quests had been fairly short and the challenges not as hard as this. I felt it was time that I seek the answer to my challenge. My time here so far had been wasted wallowing in self-pity.

Self-pity was not anything that had been part of my life before. Living certainly had nothing to do with it either. What was it about life and living that was so hard to figure out? They were two completely separate issues. Life is what we had on a day to day basis, living is what we did on a day to day basis. Life went on regardless and living was hard to do at times.

I had to deal with both right now. The loss of a loved one was what had been decreed in life. Living with it afterwards is something that had to happen. It would not be easy.

As these thoughts went through my head, I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Mom had been through the death of Jennifer's father and she survived it. She made the most of things afterward and lived life to the fullest. How was it possible to do this without the self-pity?

Mom was a strong woman and had been for as long as I had known her. For me, it had only been a couple of months, but for her, it had been thirty years. In another way, it seemed as if I had been doing this forever.

After it was over, I would certainly be a stronger person for the experience.

I stopped. Me, strong? How was that? The sum of a person is the strength of their experiences and how the individual deals with them. I had a fairly mild life before this started and really did not have too much to base any strength on. I would be relying on my experiences as Jennifer to give me strength.

I felt that I was getting somewhere I needed to be. I no longer cried all night and had been sleeping peacefully for the last three days, but I still awakened each night to the children's tears and I still had to comfort them. I resolved that I would bring them out of the blue funk they were all in.

In a sudden burst of inspiration, I decided that I would do some of my own research on childhood depression based on a parent's death. I would at least have some of Jennifer's books from college to rely upon. Over the course of the next three days, I spent as much spare time as I could looking up information and came to a startling conclusion: I was not Jennifer, nor did I have her training and degrees in psychology. I would not be able to utilize her books; they contained very technical information that I didn't understand. I would have to play it by ear and do it my own way.

Normalizing the way their days went would be the easiest. That night, as I went to ease their nightly horrors, I vowed to myself that this would have to stop. I had to work to show them the light of survival.

That decided, I headed for bed again. The rest of the night was undisturbed.

I was up at the crack of dawn and began my day with a refreshing shower.

The weather forecast was for sunny and warm turning later into rain. I decided to dress for sunny and warm.

I found the best and brightest dress Jennifer had in her closet and put it on. I had three children to brighten up.

Around 9:00, I decided that they had been sleeping long enough. I bounced into their rooms individually and woke them up. All of them were grumpy and not eager to move around. My persistence finally paid off and they all arose, albeit reluctantly.

Later, when we all congregated in the kitchen dining area, I was confronted with three glum kids. The youngest was more copying the older two, but she was still depressed. My determination hardened. I was not going to give up on these kids and let them remain in bed, sulking over the loss of their father.

I wasn't going to let them go through life without living it to the fullest if I could help it.

Heather sat in the chair with slumped shoulders and a brooding look on her face. All in all, it was a look that told how dangerous she was or could be if not left alone, strong body language for a sulking child. She stared at me and my whirlwind movements around the kitchen. Finally, she spoke up. "What has gotten into you today, mom? Don't you even care anymore that Daddy is gone?"

It was what I had been waiting for. "Honey, I'll always miss your father, but there is nothing any of us can do about him now. While we've been sitting around moping about him being gone, life has been passing us by. There is a whole world out there. What do you say we do some exploring?"

A chorus of 'No' sounded around me. I was not about to give up without a fight. These kids were going to learn a hard lesson about life, even if it broke me in half to give it. I left the kitchen to go converse with Heather.

Heather still had a room in the house that had become a permanent residence for her. It had originally been a servants quarters and it was separate from the main part of the house. Heather was lying on her bed resting when I walked into her quarters. She looked up as I came in.

"Hi, Jennifer. Uh oh. What's wrong?" She could tell by the look on my face that something was not the way it should be.

"Heather, I'm scared for the kids. All they have done is mope around since their father died. Heaven knows, I didn't do anything to help for a while and they are suffering for it. They refuse to go outside the house, they don't want to do anything at all. I am afraid that Dan's death will harm them too severely if they don't realize that they are just kids and have their lives ahead of them. They will see death many times more in the future, but this being the first time is affecting them hard."

"Then what would you have them do? I mean, if they don't want to do anything outside the house, you really can't force them to do anything."

"But that's the point, Heather. If I do nothing at all, they will spend the whole summer moping around the house. Can you remember all the fun that you and Jennifer had during summer when you were growing up? Not to mention the fun that we had the very first time we met? Children their age shouldn't be so depressed. They need to have fun. They need to get on with their lives, regardless. I guess I'm becoming more of a mother than I had anticipated. I love these children with all my heart and I have to see that they are going to be ok before I can leave." I started crying again.

"What do you propose we do to help them?" she asked.

I tried to dry my tears as best as possible. "Since I don't know any of their friends, could you find phone numbers for me and invite them all over here for a get well party? I am sure that we can order in some pizzas for them to eat." I was now getting excited about the prospect of giving a party for the kids.

"And then what? Just having a party for the kids will not really do anything except possibly give them reason to avoid you completely." Bang, splat. I was shot down. I had no idea what to do next. My shoulders slumped in dejection. In my whole life, I had never had any reason to have a party. Nor had I ever had one as Jennifer. I was an old has-been who had never had an original thought. I never went wild doing anything. I was so depressed now that I started crying.

"Heather, I really don't know what to do. I am a failure. I can't think of any way to get the children out of their funk. If I could bring their father back, I would. But that is an impossibility."

"Well, at least you admit it. Now let the expert have a crack at it. You were at least on the right track. The worst thing you could have done is to have brought in a child psychologist to pick their brains. That's what Jennifer would have done because of her training. I know the kids need to have fun as well as I know they need to get on with their lives."

"It's just as well that psychology isn't the answer. For the last several days I've been reading Jennifer's college texts, but they were so difficult I had to give it up. It looks like it will have to be my way, not Jennifer's."

"Ok, try this: you just go and see what they are doing. Try getting each one of them alone and try to talk to them about their feelings. Heather will be the hardest since she is the oldest and nearer the point of teenage rebellion. If you can get her swayed over to your thinking, you will have an easier time with the younger ones. Maybe with her help, you can approach Robert and Myra. In the meantime, your idea for a little party is a good one and will only take a few hours to get it prepared. You take care of the three and I'll do all the planning and getting things ready." There was an excitement in her eyes that told me she was looking forward to it.

I left to go spend time with the kids. None of them had moved from where they had been sitting earlier. The same blank stares covered their faces as before. They were all lost in their own thoughts, but it was about to come to an end.

WHEEETTTT! I blew from a whistle. "All right, listen up! This has to stop right here and now!" I suddenly had all their attention. "This self-pitying has to stop. Do you think that I didn't hurt when your father died? I'll miss him for the rest of my life, but life will not stop for me because I'm sad about losing him. Your dad wouldn't have wanted it that way for me or you!

"You are all young enough to be able to adjust at your own rate. You just have to realize that life will not stop for you."

I scanned the faces before me. All of them had confusion written on them. I may have gone a bit too far but at least I had their undivided attention. I had to make the most of it. "Now, I will no longer give any of you a choice in things. You will all go to your rooms and you will put on your swimming suits and we are all going to go out to the pool and have fun." I was confronted by shock on their faces. I had actually ordered them to do something.

"Come on, get moving. I will give you enough time to get yourselves ready and be out to the pool. Now get going." I crossed my arms with my watch showing so that they could see I was keeping track of the time. All of their jaws had dropped open. They could not believe that I was serious over this whole thing. To prove I was, I left the kitchen and went to my room. I had found Jennifer's swimming suits a long time ago.

She was now forty years old, but she was still a tremendously sexy and young looking woman. Three kids had not ruined her figure at all. I dug out a sexy bikini, stripped and put it on. I put a pool robe on over the top of it and grabbed a towel from the linen closet.

I went back to the kitchen to find the kids still there. All of them just stared at me as if I was totally out of my mind. I was not going to let them get away with just staring at me. "Didn't you hear me? I said get going!" I raised the tone of my voice to something that I hoped would galvanize them into action.

Without waiting to give an answer, all three of the kids vanished. Talk about a disappearing trick. I knew it would take them longer than five minutes to get ready, so that gave me plenty of time to prepare the area for what would be coming up soon.

The kids were no longer visible in the kitchen. I knew they were at least in their rooms. I went to each room in turn to check on them. The oldest girl's room was nothing but a flurry of activity. She may not have known the real reasons why I was doing this, but she knew enough about her mother to know that normally they would have gotten away with murder. I knew that she had to be confused with my new tough attitude. I knocked on her door and entered.

I heard a voice that seemed to be muffled by tears. "Come in." was all she said. She looked up at me trying to quell her tears. I went over and sat down beside her on her bed.

"Heather, honey, what is wrong?" I had to be as gentle as I could with her. If I did or said the wrong thing, it could blow up in my face.

"I don't know, mom. You've been acting so strange since dad died and all of us are trying to figure out why you are trying to make us do things that we really don't want to do. You were always more easy-going. But now, you are ordering us around and you are starting to sound more like Grandma Banks every day. Why can't you just be like you were before all this happened?" Talk about a hard question and some good points on her part. It was showing that she had a tremendous brain in her head. It was time to put it to even more use.

"Honey, nobody likes being this way. When a person dies, it leaves a void in the lives of all those around them. In our case, we are left without the pillar of the family. Imagine our family as a house. Each one of us is a wall or the roof or something like that. You could think of me as the roof, protecting the family from the elements. Your dad was the pillar, the central support that held up the house and made it strong. Now that he is gone, what do you think will happen to the house?"

"It'll collapse?" She replied quizzically as if she was unsure of the answer.

"That's right. Our house is collapsing around us because the pillar is missing. I am running around trying to do two jobs at once: be the support pillar as well as the roof of the house. But I'm fighting a losing battle because the walls are showing signs of weakness now. Before too long, we could be nothing but a wrecked shamble of a family. Nothing would ever be exciting to us again and we would wind up going through life as if we too were dead. The only step left would be to put us in our graves because that is where we would belong. Are you dead?"

"No."

"That's because your heart is beating. It's telling you that you are alive. Right now your mind is having a difficult time recognizing that. It if keeps on this way you will start a slow killing process that might last your entire life. It tears me apart to see you kids acting like you are going to be the next ones to die. You are alive! We have to get your brain to recognize that."

"Why are you trying to psychoanalyze me now, mom?" She was sharp but that was not what I was trying to do.

"What makes you think that? If I felt that's what you needed, I wouldn't do it myself. I'd call someone else in to do it since I'm too close to the problem. What I am trying to do is to get you to open up and start to live again. To do that, you have to want to live, otherwise, you will dwell in your own misery. The choice is now yours." I told her firmly.

"Momma, I really want to live but I don't know how I can without daddy to be here for me like he used to." I could tell that I might be pushing her close to the point where things would start looking up for her.

"Then why don't we try to learn what it's like but do it together? We can learn and grow from each discovery we have along the way. There really is a whole wide world out there for the picking. All we have to do is reach out, grab what we want, and hold on tight."

With that, she did exactly that. She grabbed me in a tight hug and cried her eyes out. She continued for several minutes. At times, I felt like I was going to break in half, as hard as she was holding me. But my arms were holding her as tightly. When she was finished crying, she backed off.

"Thanks mom. I really needed that. Now if you will excuse me, I have to finish getting ready to go meet the world again," she said with a warm smile on her face.

"Certainly, dear. Try not to take too long." One down, two to go.

The boy's room was not as active, but I could hear him moving things around. I knocked on his door and waited for his invitation to enter. As I entered his room, I could tell he was not going to be easy to deal with. He had been sitting on his bed and throwing things around in anger. I could tell he was hurting inside, but was too much of a man to let it out anymore by crying.

"Care to talk about it, Robert?" I asked him.

"No mom, I don't. I just want my father back. I know I can't have him back and it makes me want to scream. I want to punch someone out. I want to tear the arms off the person that let the airplane go down with dad inside it. I want." He trailed off.

"What do you want, Robert?" I asked him quietly. I felt that he was blaming me for letting his father get on the airplane that killed him.

"I.I really don't know." He was suddenly very quiet. I think he was gathering his thoughts.

"Let me ask this, Robert: If I had been able to keep your father from getting on that airplane, what do you think would have happened?"

"I DON"T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!" he screamed at me. "WHY DIDN'T YOU KEEP HIM FROM GETTING ON THAT PLANE, HUH? IF YOU HAD TOLD HIM THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO DO THAT STUPID MOVIE, HE WOULD STILL BE HERE WITH US! HE WOULD STILL BE HERE!" He was trying to keep his emotions in and not show anything that might be a weakness. He had cried early on, but now it seemed like it was bottled up inside him and was eating him away from the inside out.

"Robert, don't you think I didn't try? I even tried something that would have left all three of you kids in a worse condition. I tried to talk your father into taking me with him. If I had, I would be dead too and you kids would be orphans."

"But that still doesn't make up for the fact that my father is gone forever. Don't you ever think about getting married again because I will never accept anyone else that tries to be a replacement for him."

"Sweetheart, I seriously doubt that will ever happen. You three are my greatest concerns right now and are my life, my world. No one could ever replace your father in my heart. I know I will never be able to replace your father just by myself, but I do know that there is someone who is willing to make the efforts to be a father figure if you are willing to give him the chance."

"I don't even want to know who your new boyfriend is. I told you that I will not have anything to do with someone like him." I could tell his anger would get the best of him one day.

"Silly, I do not have a new boyfriend. The person I was talking about is Grandpa Sparks."

"And what do you know? He is an old man and should be in his grave too!"

"Now young man! You had better watch your tongue or you could be working your way into deep trouble. If you look at it from my point of view, your grandfather raised your father and look at how he turned out. Your father was a fine man thanks to grandpa. I don't see how it could hurt for you to spend some good quality time with him. I am sure that he could show you a thing or two that he might not have taught your father. Besides, he loves you as much, if not more, than he did your father. Now, he is also one of the people suffering because of Dan's death. You only know him from your short visits to him, but you will find that he is a man of great knowledge. All you have to do is give him the chance to prove it."

"But you don't understand, mom, Dad was going to teach me how to be an actor like he was. He had started teaching me how to control my voice and to sing. He kept telling me that once I hit p-u-berty or something like that, he would get more serious about teaching me how to be a better actor. Now I won't be able to learn anything and be an actor like he was. I don't know what I'm going to do!"

"But why should that stop you from being an actor like your father was? I see great potential in you and all you have to do is harness the talent and apply it the way that your father did. He really had little formal training and you can see how much people loved his work and ability. I'm sure that if you really truly want to be an actor, you will find a way to do it. But more than anything else, DON'T give up on it. Keep it as your heart's desire and you will accomplish what you set out to do. There are many great acting coaches out there who can teach you a lot more than your father could ever have done." I was starting to feel like this child was going to be a hard nut to crack; that it would be a matter of time before he accepted everything.

"But what if I don't want to go to any acting coaches? None of them are like my father."

"I think that would be your choice. By all means, I am not going to push you into doing something that you don't want to do. But look at it this way: You are the living legacy of your father. You are the inheritor of his talent. What you decide to do with it will be up to you. Every person has the free will to choose whatever he or she wishes to do with his or her life. Why waste that skill by refusing to get training because your father can't give it to you? Wouldn't your father be more concerned that you had the training, not where it came from? If your father had asked you to go to them, wouldn't you go?"

"Yes, because if he felt that it would help me, then I would listen to him."

"Then what's the difference if I'm the one to suggest it instead of your father? Can't you see that what I am trying to do is look out for your best interests? Your father and I were married too long to not see eye to eye on issues concerning the welfare of our children. Right now, you are the main focus of my attention. You have so much going for you and you have the potential to surpass your father's talent, but only if you work hard at it and strive to excel in your studies. But none of this matters as much as how much I love you and how much I want what is good for you. I want for you to be the best at whatever you set you mind to doing. Regardless of anything, you are my son and I love you and your sisters with all my heart."

I watched as he sat there thinking over what I had told him. I was expecting him to start coming over very soon now.

"Mom, do you really think that I can surpass dad in things that he has done?"

Good boy. He is starting to think now. "Yes, sweetheart, I do. As I said, you have the potential to surpass your father, but you have to work for it and you have to work hard. Nothing will be given to you without your earning it. To earn it, you have to want it with all your heart and be willing to give up all other things in search of your goal. Are you willing to go to that extent? If you do, I will be there behind you all the way supporting you. But I will do that no matter what you decide to do with your life. But I will not do it if you feel the need to waste your life."

"What will I have to do to get training in acting? What will I need to know?"

"If you want to start training to be an actor, we can start tomorrow morning looking for an acting coach for you. You will have to listen to whoever it is like you would me or your father. If he says jump, you ask 'How high?' and proceed to do it. While you are doing everything you are told, think to yourself that your father is in the audience watching you. Make every performance for him and him alone. Make him proud of you. I know he would be regardless, but make every performance your best no matter what. That is all I will ask of you."

"If you really want me to do this, I'll do it and be the best actor that I can be," he said.

"No honey, you have it wrong. I don't want you to do this. YOU are the one that has to want to do this. What I want and what you want are two separate things. You have to want to do this for yourself or better yet, you have to want to do this for your father. That's all that matters in the end."

"How long do I have to think about this?" was the next question he asked.

"How long? Take all the time in the world. But know this, I will not ask you again what your decision is. I will act like I forgot all about it. YOU will have to bring it up again or never. Once you start, though, I will expect that you keep the highest grades in school and I expect one hundred percent cooperation from you. Do you understand that?" I felt that I had gotten through to him, but only time would tell.

"I understand, mom. I'll think about what you said and let you know when I have made a decision." I, at least, had managed to slow a crisis down a bit. He still had a long way to go, but at least he had a focus for his energy and ambitions. I had to reward him for this. I reached over to him and pulled him closer to me. He seemed uncertain what I was intending, but when I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him, he relaxed and joined me in the hug.

"Thank you, momma. I love you," he told me tenderly.

"You're welcome, son. I love you too." I felt that it was time to get him ready to join in a bit of fun. "Ok, now young man, since we've been sitting here for nearly an hour, it's time to complete what you came in here for. Get your swim clothes on and meet me out at the pool. I have to go see to your younger sister."

The youngest girl's room was different. I could hear no movement at all, although I could hear her sobbing inside. It was time for corrective measures for her, too. I knocked and then entered. She was sitting on her bed trying to stifle her tears but failing miserably. I walked over and sat down next to her.

"Why are you doing this to us, mommy?" was her heart-rending question. "Don't you love us anymore now that daddy is gone?"

"No, sweetie. This means nothing like that. If anything, mommy loves you three more than ever. Since daddy is gone, mommy has nothing of him left except you three. All of you are more precious to me because you are his children. It is just that mommy is hurting when she sees all three of you so sad all the time. It is not like it was before daddy was gone and I cannot let you live this way. All kids should be happy and playing or doing things that they enjoy. There is a time for sadness but there is a time for happiness. All of us are survivors of daddy's death and that means that we have to continue to live our lives now that he is gone. But the best way to do that is to celebrate what he gave us to begin with. That means that you kids can celebrate that he gave you your existences and I can celebrate that he gave me three such wonderful children to love in his absence. Does this help you understand?"

"Yes, mommy," was the quiet reply I received. It was still sad, but nearing what I wanted it to be.

"Well, then let's get a move on. Let's go celebrate life!" As I stood up, I heard the 'BONG, BONG' of the doorbell. Ah, the guests were arriving. I went down to the front door to greet them.

Heather was already there, directing them into the back yard. I could see a number of mothers with kids that ranged the ages of Jennifer's kids. There were a couple of younger children, but that didn't matter. I let Heather do the guiding and I made sure that the kids were ready to face the world at large again.

When I found the kids again, they were standing at the back door staring at the number of kids and mothers outside. I smiled to myself over the sight. They looked like they were about to be thrown to the lions. Robert looked like he was about to turn around and run back to his room to hide. I had to step up and urge them again.

"Ok, kids. Now you see what I've been up to all morning long. Whether you want to or not, you have to go outside and be with your friends. It's not because you want to be with them that I am doing this. It's because you do not want to be with them. So, get going and go have fun."

Shell-shocked looks and all, they moved stiffly outside. As they were coming out of the house, their individual friends all came over to join them. The oldest girls moved to join Heather and each girl that approached gave her a somber hug. Then they dragged her over to the pool and threw her screeching into the water, then jumped in after her.

I watched as variations of the theme played out with the other two kids. The boys were a lot rougher with Robert than the girls had been with Heather, but he still wound up in the pool.

Myra was led over to the side and the girls all sat down on the edge before getting in the water. Before too long, there were kids of all ages splashing and playing in the pool. For a while my three were just frowning about it, but soon, they were all joining in with the laughing and playing as well as the rest of the kids. I smiled with happiness. At one point they all looked up at me and motioned for me to join them. I had noticed them talking together earlier and I wondered what they had up their sleeves.

I took my robe off and climbed into the water to join them. All three moved towards me. All three of them gave me a huge hug. As the leader, Heather had something to say.

"Mom, we don't know how you did it, but this is the best thing you have ever done for us. We all realize now that this was what we needed to do. Myra explained to Robert and me what you had told her earlier about celebrating daddy's life and his gifts to us. Those words are truer than any you have ever said to us. We do owe him our lives, but we owe them to you too. You gave birth to us all and that has more meaning than anything to us right now. We love you, mom. Thank you for our gifts."

They all gave me a tighter round of hugs before moving away to play with their friends. I was now content. I think I was able to show them there was more to life than sitting around being gloomy. I got out of the pool and dried off before putting the robe back on.

The mothers who brought the kids joined me. The comments I got from them were all of condolences and congratulations for being strong enough to turn the kids around. One woman told me that she had been waiting for the phone call to bring her kids over. She knew what losing a loved one was like. She seemed to me a strong individual and I told her so.

I had tears on my face and I excused myself from the gathering to go collect my thoughts. I now knew my time was short here. I could feel it in my soul. There was contentment at a job well done. I went back into Jennifer's room, took the expected letter off her door, went inside and pulled out her Journal. I wrote a large account of what had happened that day and what I learned about inner strength. I poured my heart out as I had never done before. I was still worried that the children might backslide a couple of times, but I knew they would have their mother back to help them. I felt bad about Jennifer not knowing that her husband had died and that she was going to have to go through the mourning by herself and in private. I made sure that my feelings over his death were plain and heart-felt enough for her to understand. I knew she would know where the words came from but I still felt that it might help her out in the long run.

I then opened the letter.

"Jennifer, I am sorry for the loss of Dan. But it was his destiny to die and you had to learn what life was truly about. At any time in a person's life, a death may occur. Some are sudden, such as Dan's, but many are expected and are not as much of a shock to the survivors. But as a mother, you had to learn the strength to continue living and even to help your children when they were affected by the same death.

"Without that strength, the children would have remained in the state of denial over their father's death and eventually one or two might have killed themselves out of grief. That had to be prevented. All three children have destinies that span many years, touch lives and achieve goals. They had to learn the strength to go on and there was only one person who could teach them: their mother. You have taught them well.

"You will only have one more challenge left after this. You may start it at your leisure or you may start it immediately. This next one will not be as difficult as this one was. Good luck and choose wisely."

I overturned the envelope after making sure that the journal was opened to the last entry so that Jennifer could read it. The spinning returned me back to my body.
 
To Be Continued...
 
Note: Note: TG magic age-regression borrowed-body rated-R
Posted by: Admin on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 08:23 PM