"Remember, anyone can be spontaneous with enough preparation."

"The trick to being famous is to make sure a lot of people know your name."

"If you want to be right all the time, become an expert in a subject no one has ever heard of."

"Being rich is easy -- make a lot of money and don't spend it."

"If your mousetrap isn't better than the other guy's, you may have to sell them door to door."

"Some people get married for the same reason they have hangnails -- aggravation."

"Don't let anyone tell you about their gallstones or their hemmoroids unless you like talking to bitter old assholes."

"There's no such thing as inflation -- it's still two hugs for a tickle."

"Dead, deader, deadest -- why the hell do we need a comparative and a superlative for dead?"

"Global worming -- it may be just a misunderstanding but it sounds like a good idea all the same."

"Do zombies get cold feet? Do vampires get butterflies? Do werewolves turn around three times before biting someone?"

"Never write your congressthing a letter you wouldn't want your mother to read -- and vice versa."

"Steroids are nature's way of making really rich athletes impotent."

"If we had a dollar for every bum -- we'd be sitting on a lot of cash."

"American football should be called spindleball to avoid confusion -- it's not shaped like a foot at all."

"If I'm not happy today, I'll be happy tomorrow. And if I'm not happy tomorrow, I'll be happy the next day. And if I'm not happy by next Friday -- someone's going to pay big time!"

"God sweats the small stuff -- seeds, sparrows, snowflakes -- it's the big stuff like political parties He doesn't give a shit about."

"Did you hear that fresh spinach can kill you? Popeye's probably rolling over in his grave right now."

"Osama bin Laden may be dead but good news, his heirs are going to save a lot of money on estate taxes now."

"If I had twenty famous quotes no one had ever heard of before, I'd make a list -- but if I only had nineteen, I'd have to think of something else to say."