I hurt a lot of people that meant a lot to me. There's really no excuse for that, and I refuse to try to make it seem as though I deserve to be forgiven. I don't deserve to be. I would like to be -- no, I would LOVE to be -- forgiven, but if I'm not, then I really have no right to be upset about it.

Why does this matter to you?

It has caused me to "lose the muse" you might say. I haven't had any forward ideas since the Incident, and the few things I have written were already mostly done and sitting on my computer. Yes, I've posted a few under a pseudonym or two, but you'll have to figure out which they were on your own. I'll even go so far as to say that if you figure it out and PM me, I'll confirm for you.

Every single time I've sat to write... I stare blankly at the screen. At the notebook. It just isn't wanting to come forth.

In addition to this, I've been depressed due to the fact that I deeply hurt some of the people that I cared about most in the world, who haven't even acknowledged my apologies (not that they have to... if they choose not to, the least I deserve is depression).

I am no longer a member of the staff here, not because Erin forced me out or anything, but at my own request -- maybe sometime I'll be able to come back and help again, but I didn't want this place to suffer from fallout from my mistake.

There have been a couple of people who made this time a little easier. My girlfriend, for one, has been amazing (as usual) -- and if not for her support and letting me know that she loves me no matter what, you would probably have read an announcement that I had done myself in. A couple of others have approached me simply because they are good people who thought in the midst of the shitstorm that I could probably do with someone who didn't hate me, and became my friends. I don't think those two even come to this site, but if they see this... thank you again.

So, there you have an explanation for my absenteeism.

As for my stories... a few days back, maybe a week ago (I haven't really been able to keep track of time very well lately), I posted a very... disturbing... piece. No, it was not about my life exactly, as I grew up mostly without a father... but if you substitute "grandmother" for "father" you could say it was EXTREMELY LOOSELY based on me -- my grandmother hated me.

But what that reminded me of was that I ache to write. I must write. All I've been doing since the Incident is journal writing.

In the next few weeks, you will begin to see things from me again. I have been specifically asked about The Violet Ajah, and the reason behind it not being continued to be posted was that the notebooks with it in them to be edited and then posted were left behind in Michigan. I intend to retrieve my belongings from there, including them, in the next few weeks as well. I will then edit and post as quickly as possible until I get caught up to the point where we are supposed to be, and resume the schedule.

Other things I've been asked about are Dear Diary, and of course Sk8r Grrls. These will start back up soon.