I don't even know how to say this. I've always known that my man doesn't like women in any way, in fact, he hates anything even remotely tinged with femaleness. I, on the other hand, have never wanted to be anything else. I thought for many years that I could just accept his misogynistic world and deal with it, just cope with being who biology fated me to be.
Well, it turns out that that just aint so. Over 20 years down the road, I find myself unable to just accept my physical self. I've told him this and his response is to tell me that I'm killing his lover. I gotta tell you, this whole thing is so hard I've thought about just ending it.
I do know one thing though. I do understand that I have come to a point where I either have to be who I am or just not be at all. I wish with all my heart that I could be the happy gay man my husband wants me to be. The gods know I've certainly tried.
I've come to the conclusion that I either have to start being who I am inside or I have to die. I have chosen to live.
I might lose what I thought was to be the love of my life, I don't know, that is his choice. If he can't handle me becoming myself, I will cry and I will feel truly awful. His happiness is literally more important to me than my own.The only thing I know is that I have to do what I have to do, and I have to accept what will come with that.
That is so far beyond hard that I have no words to describe how absolutely soul-destroying it is. I thought I had dealt with some emotional hurdles in the past, but being thrown away by my parents as a young teen and other things have been a piece of cake in comparison.
The thing is, the man I love more than anything or anyone else in this world has straight up told me that if I even take the first steps toward transitioning, he will throw me away. This isn't new, he told me this 20 years ago and I agreed to his conditions. I'm no longer young or pretty, but I'm also no longer able to deny my true self.
I would like to say that I will begin to transition and damn the torpedoes, but I don't even have the money to do that. I likely never will. At this point, the whole thing is more of an academic exercise than anything else.
Working it out in my mind and arguing it out with hubby is still almost more than I can stand. I'm not asking for help or sympathy or anything, really. It just makes me feel better to express my emotions, to tell someone else just how extraordinarily fucked up I am.
I don't know anyplace else to do this.
Anyhow, thanks for lending a kind eye(ear?).
For those of you who give a damn, be assured that if I was going to off myself, I wouldn't go about telling people before I did the deed.
I have to say, removing sex from the equation only makes it harder. It has been almost 12 years since we've had actual penetration type sex, due to the meds he has been taking to keep him alive. I can't complain, he has tried to make up for the deficit with toys and such, but I do have to tell you that he gets jealous of the dildo.
In truth, I can't blame him for that. I can't say that I understand it either. Seriously, I truly don't understand wanting to fuck something. Wanting to be on the other end of that equation, this I get!
I guess what I'm saying here is that I desperately miss my horny man who would even fuck a cantaloupe or a vacuum cleaner(I learned those stories from his mother!(I still wonder if he managed to get seeds up his pee-hole!))
Anyway, The transition from a strong provider to a man who needed me to work 90 hours per week just to be able to afford the meds that kept him alive, followed by the complete denial of my self, to the point of not even being allowed to dress at home and pretend, that was really harsh.
I dealt with it, although not well. I went from being a non drinker to being a full blown alcoholic. 1/2 gallon of vodka every 2 days worth of alcoholic. If I told you it kept me out of my pain, I would be lying.
I drank myself out of business, hell I drank myself out of a profession and several jobs after that. I can't tell you that I have stopped drinking, right now I am on my fifth 24 ounce Schlitz.
Anyway, all of that stuff is why I have finally come to the conclusion that I can no longer pretend or hide or just do anything other than be who I am.
I guess you could say that today will be the beginning of the rest of my life. If it turns out that I have to give up love, well, that is what I will have to do. I might wind up in the street, and if that is what must be, it won't be the first time.
I would like to survive this journey, but something tells me that is not my fate. If I wind up on the streets, I would like it if someone would remember me, sometime.
Please just wear a yellow rose. It probably won't mean a damn thing to anyone other than you.
Comments
I'm at a loss for words
I don't know what to say. Do tears speak? Because I could put mine in an envelope and mail them to you.
I'm terribly sorry for the difficult road you're about to take. It will likely take everything from you and give you back nothing, but there are no alternatives. I wish you the best, and I wish your lover can forget, if forgiving and understanding are beyond his scope.
/hugz,
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick looking for someone who doesn't give a damn about her past"
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick who's addicted to sunlight!"
Controlling people
I read your post and really believe that you are being controlled by a man who calls it love. It reminds me of the battered woman syndrome. She really believes she loves him no matter how bad he treats her.
The pain of leaving a relationship is not easy, there will be grieving and tears. You have discovered your true self and that is important for you to be who you are not what someone else wants you to be.
For him to tell you that you can't be yourself is selfish on his part. What I would suggest is a seperation. If he really loves you he will accept you for the real you, otherwise you've been his mistress for the many years together and he was happy with his situation of getting what he wanted.
There is no pleasant parting especially after a long term relationship. Seperate and get counseling. Get involved in a twelve step program so you can get away from your abuse of alcohol. They have gay A.A. meetings so you will have support.
"To thine own self be true." William Shakespear
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Typical Man
Typical Man. He may have told you that he didn't like anything female, but that's exactly what he was treating you as - a woman, a wife in the traditional sense of the word.
Worse, you've effectively reinforced his behaviour by acting in a typically female manner. Which is to say, you've stuck by his side in the face of evidence that you'd be better off elsewhere. It's the reason that more women in bad partnerships get battered by men than the other way round. I guess it must be some evolutionary trait that makes a woman stick to her man like glue, but the side effects can be unpleasant to say the least.
Any marraige/partnership requires either perfect agreement in all matters from both parties, or compromise from both parties. If only one partner compromises, they are effectively being used by the other.
You've given this man so much of your life, and now it's time to have some time for yourself. I know it's going to be tough, but the mere fact you've written this shows that you're open to change. Go for it, girl, you deserve to have some peace and happiness in your life.
And don't even think of running away by taking your own life. You're worth more than that, you deserve to have the time to prove that you can move on. Take a deep breath, turn your face to the wind, and make a new future for yourself.
Penny
Very Typical
I am in complete agreement with Penny, you are already living as a woman, and being abused for it, controlled, stifled and smothered. You do not have much left to give up girl, what next, your life? For what? Surely not for this man, he's taken everything he wants. Take inventoy, if you did not know this man until today and did not have the motional binding with him, knowing him as you do now, would you choose to have him as a friend? Probably not.
But- can you handle being alone with the new you? All the uncertanty. Are you prepared to give it all up and stay the course to being your true self? Any shread of life has got to be better than ending it. Can you cope? Only you can decide. For many of us we keep marginalizing our lives, giving up more and more, cheating ourselves out of youth and time until it comes down to nothing left to give up and its do or die. I wish so much I had the balls (at that time) to do it early and get on with my life, there may be a great shock to your world and maybe, probably, a crash but then the recovery can be quite sweet even if it comes at a high price.
Blessings, Christine
I agree, but...
...having just gotten out of a very similar controlling relationship, with a spouse with a life-changing and expensive medical condition, who I once thought was my soul mate, I know how binding, and blinding, love can be. I feel your pain, Theide, I really do, and it brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this now. All I can offer is moral support--painful as it is, I'm certain you're doing the right thing; you don't really have any other choice, and if he truly loves you he will realize that, and try to learn to accept it and find a way to deal with it so you don't have to live in constant pain. My ex never gave any sign of that--never even seemed to really believe I was in real, palpable pain. Over time that blatant one-sidedness severely eroded our relationship, and I must say, that made the final separation much easier to take--almost a relief, actually.
I sincerely hope your situation works out differently, that it turns out that the man you love so much really does return your love equally, and is willing to make some sacrifices to keep you happy. Given my own recent situation, it's hard for me to be optimistic, but either way it turns out, in the end it will be for the best.
I hope I won't have to wear a yellow rose for you. You seem like a survivor--like you'll land on your feet, whatever happens. We're all here for you, Theide.
Warm hugs,
justme
Oh, and one more thing
You're "killing his lover?" No, that's complete bullshit. That's just what my ex said to me, almost word-for-word, and if you stop and think about it, the exact opposite is true. By trying to force you into a mold, to never grow or change, when you so clearly, so desperately need to, he's the one who's killing his lover.
That really is the lowest, dirtiest form of emotional blackmail, and incredibly self-centered of him to say that. Yes, he legitimately feels like he's losing something that's important to him, but he needs to ask himself (or maybe you need to ask him)--does he really care at all about you, the person with thoughts, feelings, and needs of your own, or just about what he gets out of having you stay as you are now, and how that makes him feel about himself?
Whatever happens, however this all works out for you, you don't need to take that crap from anyone. Call him on it; don't stand for it. If you love someone, you don't use their love for you to hurt them, to coerce them. Ever. It took me nearly two years to figure that out myself, having it done to me over and over and over. Don't be as clueless as I was.
Be strong.
Warm hugs,
justme
Heavens
Theide...my heart truly goes out to you. Please don't feel bad about posting this here, I think, at least hope, that one of the things we are all here for is to support each other in tough times.
I think Penny and Jill have pretty much hit the nail on the head.
I can only tell you that I completely respect your level of commitment to your husband, yes we are to commit to a relationship and try to stick it out through thick and thin, richer or poorer, sickness and health, etc. But I believe this situation is different from all that. You have proven your love and commitment, but this is one of those relationships that is making you miserable, in fact it's literally killing you.
No matter how much a person loves another, if you're miserable, it's not working. I have been in relationships like this, we loved each other dearly but just the circumstances of our own lives, personalities, families, backgrounds, etc. just wouldn't let us be happy together. In the end we had to admit it and give it up. It hurt but we would have probably killed ourselves if we hadn't.
I know not all relationships are the same, I can't believe even any two could possibly be... but I think the same principal applies to many relationships. You are clearly dying a slow death. I believe it's time for you to choose life, as you said, and that means more than just not offing yourself. It means finding a way to live that makes you feel like living, and if you can do that with your longtime loving husband, that's great, but if not, then it will have to be without, or continue in your past and current path of misery and self-destruction.
I don't see any other choices...It sounds like you have already come to this conclusion, that it's time to be true to yourself and I hope you will go for it.
So I hope you don't mind my 2 cents' worth here. I really do believe that being in love doesn't mean being absolutely miserable. It's not supposed to be that way. I wish you much luck and love for a happier life. It's about time, I think. Please keep us posted.
Wow
I don't know what to say to that, but good luck and be true to yourself!
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
You are strong and we love you.
Dear Theide,
I can't remember if you posted stories first then blogged or vice versa, but as soon as I read your first story, I was very impressed. As soon as you wrote about your current relationship vs transition problem, I thought, ahh familiar, but she's in a very emotionally damaging situation. When I read more about your life, I kept wanting to reach out to you, to try and ease your suffering, but I procrastinated.
On this site we've read about lots of suffering. Prairie Girl was writing about her life while dying from all the physical abuse that she suffered. She died before finishing her story. We know about many who have been murdered.
Your emotional, even more than physical, suffering is/has been extreme. I'm amazed that you are still alive and sane. You are such a good writer and story-teller. I empathize as much as I can, then wonder why some of our lives have to be so horribly difficult. It must be that humyns are still semi-barbaric. That there have been some cultures for some times which were very high in love and tolerance, but those cultures were small and isolated. They did not survive meeting huge, soul grinding nation-states.
You richly deserve to have the rest of your life much more happy and satisfying, but who knows what might happen. Try to hang in there and keep in mind that lots of people here love you and have a bit of an idea of what you are going through.
Big, Big Hugs and the Brightest of Bright Blessings,
Renee
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
This is truly emotional.
But after saying that, I am not convinced that "the love of" your "life" is at all worth it, and drinking to excess definitely isn't either. In my blog is an article I wrote called The Times They Are A Changing. Please read that. I am so serious that we have to be who we are and you are right "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead."
We have to be who we are because we can be no one else. We cannot live by someone else's perception of who we should be just so they are happy. We deserve to be happy too, and we can only be happy by being ourselves. If your gay lover is so hateful of females, then maybe he isn't the person you thought he was. I know if it were me, I would have left him in the dust years ago.
I have been to gay bars when I was younger and was readily accepted for who I am. Nobody said get out this is for guys only. If this man is so hateful of women then it must have been something a woman or women did to him that he disagreed with and swore off women because of it.
For those of us who are truly transsexual and not just transgendered, we have a journey to complete no matter how long it takes, and no matter how old we are when it is complete. The major thing is; be yourself and don't worry about losing a love that can't be there for you like you were there for him. Remember that there is always someone, somewhere, that is just right for you, and if this man is so selfish that he won't have anything to do with you during your transition, then he doesn't love you like you thought he did. To be this selfish and not support you in your time of need, only means that he is a control freak and must have things his way or no way, and that is not the way to live in a relationship.
So you do what you have to to be happy, and don't worry about Mr. My Way Or No Way, because people like him are dime a dozen. But when you meet the person just right for you, he will accept you for who you are body and soul. You Go Girl! You be the best damn woman you can be, and don't worry what others may say, think, or do. "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead."
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."