Well, my mother came into my room a few minites ago and we talked for a little bit. Then she asked me about the panties she found in my laundry.I denied it and suggested that some of her stuff got into mine. She said that she had never worn panties that large. I just brused it off and she just said that she was going to just throw them away. Good thing that I already recued mine and repaced it with a pair of hers. When she asked me if they were mine I thought I was going to be sick. The look on my face had to give me away. God, I feel like such a piece of shit for lying to her.
Jessica Marie
Comments
Denial?
Denile is a big river in Africa!
The Nile is the longest river in the world, stretching north for approximately 4,000 miles from East Africa to the Mediterranean.
HUGGELS!
ChrisW
I remember getting caught twice
It's the most horrible feeling you can get. All your organs get tied in knots, you feel like puking but the overwhelming sense of panic keeps you frozen.
I'm glad you got out of it. Hopefully she'll forget all about it over time, or not care.
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick looking for someone who doesn't give a damn about her past"
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick who's addicted to sunlight!"
It seems...
as if it might have been a good time for you to talk to your mother.
Now I don't know her at all, but you went through something like this
with your sister about a year ago, right?
I suppose that the real question is not one of your own embarrassment.
Rather it's one of wheather or not your mother is a person who would
understand. My Rules are simple, and number at only two. If you think
she would be open to talk to you, then you might consider it. If you
think she'd freak, say nothing. It's not worth it.
Jessica, good luck. I hope you work it out.
Sarah Lynn
Or...
...as a friend reminded me last night: Will your level of stress go up, or go down (according to your best read of the situation) from telling? If up, then defer telling; else (if it will go >down<), talking to her about it may be worth it.
Best wishes, and all good hopes!
-Liz
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
I remember
The first time I got 'caught', too. Technically, I wasn't at home - at the time, I was travelling with my dad as he was making sales trips for the stock trailer company he ran (read: listening to my CD player and watching the countryside go by) and I was desperately looking forwards to returning home just so I could have a little 'me time'. Unfortunately, I returned to find what I had saved up missing. I was I think fifteen at the time. My mom confronted me about it, and like everyone else, I denied it. Not that it really could be denied - it was in an obvious spot, and not what you would call the smallest collection, though not large either - but she accepted my answer at the time. A couple of years later, after having been 'out' as a girl to my little sister for over a year, she convinced me to come out to my mom as well. My mom was really relieved at the time when I talked to her about it. One reason I think she didn't push it when she found my stuff was because it had just been the previous summer that I had ran away and tried to kill myself (hence not being left alone at home that year) and she already knew I was 'different' anyways.
Things can be scary. I guess the best you can hope for is that even if she doesn't believe you, she can try to understand.
Melanie E.
Sit Down And Write A Letter
The way I explained things to my mother was through a letter. I was able to compose my thoughts and leave it somewhere she could read it. She is probably starting to put two and two together anyway. The longer hair may have helped tip her off too. The panties are just another piece of the puzzle. You need to come clean with her sooner rather than later. There will inevitably be something else that will add fuel to the fire later on. I know you are scared honey, but it will be a weight off your shoulders if you can get it out in the open. Ask Krista to come on speaker phone with you when you tell her. She can give you her support. Explain to your mother that you were and are terrified about losing her love and that was why you felt you couldn't tell her.
Hugs,
Jen
Unconvincing
Certainly, you have to realize that your denial was pretty unconvincing. Besides the logic of it, there's the evidence of her own eyes.
Again, as I said in my response to your previous blog post, I don't know anything about you or your relationship with your mother and the rest of your family. My own was pretty cold at the time when I was "caught". My mother and I, in fact, didn't have much of a relationship at all. While we were both shocked when she opened the door to the very large hall closet, finding me in one of her dresses, absolutely nothing came of it. I guess she decided that it didn't fit her world view, or would involve a level of interaction she wasn't interested in, so she decided to pretty much ignore it. She asked me what I was doing, I mumbled some nonsensical excuse, she accepted it, and that was the last I ever heard of it.
Unless your mother is as self-absorbed as mine was, I just don't see your "explanation" flying very far.
So, consider thanking her. Consider telling her how much you love her and hope she loves you back, and how afraid you are of losing that. Consider just moping around her for awhile, like you have something to say. Consider just walking up to her and hugging her.
Denial might not be "just a river in Egypt," but alienation isn't just a tv series, either.
The only piece of advice I can give
is this...Denial is not only hurting you, but it can hurt your mother as well. My husband came to me about a year after we were married, and confessed to his cross dressing (I never caught him at it). At first I was in shock, but I stayed calm and thought it over a couple of days. I am so glad that he did tell me the truth, because I love him more now than I ever did. His trust in me is more precious than any worldly gem.
Your mother may not want to hear or even recognize the truth, but your trust in her may be what she needs. As suggested before, writing a letter and leaving it for her to read or reading it to her may help in organizing your thoughts. Don't give her information overload, just give bits an pieces so she can process what's going on.
I hope this helps. Feel free to contact me if you need or want more input.
Wishing you the best,
Paula Y.
Paula Young
A life lived in fear is a life half-lived
Getting it off your chest
If you "own up to" owing the panties and why you will find your anger, conflicts, frustration, and fear will begin to melt away. You will also will begin to become the person you are trying to be. Without it you will still be living in Hell.
I know where I am coming from: been there done that.
shalimar