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I assume, like I guess most girls here, that I'm a good judge about the extent to which I pass for a genetic female in public.
And I may well be, on the average. But I have time and time again been wrong about specific individuals. I live by the four rules for TGirls:
- Assume everybody knows
- Act like nobody does
- Don't volunteer the information
- Don't lie when asked about it, even in an indirect way
A few times a year some situation comes up where I feel a need to "disclose my medical history" for various reasons. Some recent examples:
- Some presumably straight man I have met and befriended for non-romantic reasons asks me out in an obviously romantic context
- I'm about to start sharing living quarters with someone for a longer period than a couple weeks
- I'm about to enter into a contractual relationship with somebody where the economics of the situation might be negatively impacted by bad publicity around my medical history
- A recent acquaintance in a private setting comments on the fact that I'm taller than most other women
As I am explaining it in my standard way... "... at this point, it has become important to me to make sure that you realize I wasn't born female" I gauge the surprise on their faces. My success at guessing ahead of time whether they already figured it out or not is abysmal, going in both directions. Seems like almost everyone I think has figured it out, hadn't, and everyone I think is clueless about it had me pegged from day one.
It's an example of the symmetry of the world. We don't tell them what our chromosomes are and they don't tell us whether they know we're unusual in this sense. Often, we never know whether the people around us are polite, clueless, or indifferent. It matters not. In over two decades, my gender has been an issue less than a handful of times.
But please, don't sell yourselves short. In spite of rule #1 above, don't automatically assume everyone will always read you at the moment they first meet you. To maximize your personal happiness you need to get into a frame of mind where your birth gender isn't an issue for you *either*. We all deserve better than losing peace of mind over a fear that people around us know what we are and think less of us because of that.
- Moni
Comments
It is a case by case
... as you say, it depends on how knowledgeable as to how passable you are. Therefore, there are no hard and fast rules. Instead, it should be a weighted set of criteria as to whether you think a situation is one where you will or will not pass. In the world of computers that would be considered 'fuzzy logic' and is used for decision making.
I know for a fact that I pass very well - I transitioned decades ago and still live under my original name - and I am post-op. If I did not have confidence I could not carry on with my life.
Therefore, how I weigh certain criteria for safety will be different from yours. Also, the circumstances I feel I need to 'out' myself is far fewer - incredibly rare as a matter of fact.
Like you said, understand your limits.
Kim
It's all the same to me
Over the past two months I've transitioned socially from male to female. It has surprised me, boggled my mind really, how smoothly it's gone. I'm six-foot-one-and-a-half, or a hundred and eighty-six centimeters for those of you using a sensible measuring system, so only about one in a thousand women is taller than me. Heck, only about one in twenty men is. Yet it was only in the first few weeks, when I was still ambiguous in my presentation, still unsure of myself, still lacking in confidence, and therefore still giving out mixed signals, that I got any funny looks. Now, I only get "sirred" if I'm out somewhere with my soon-to-be-ex, because (or so it seems to me) she behaves around me the way a woman does around a husband with whom she's not particularly affectionate. (Or maybe it's that I habitually behave around her in the way such a husband would behave.) I only get funny looks if one of my kids calls me "Dad" in a public place where it's obvious they're talking to me. Otherwise, I get a lot of things I rarely if ever encountered before--smiles and eye contact from strangers (especially women), solicitous salespeople (especially men), men staring at my still-rather-underdeveloped chest, and being treated like an idiot child at the tool rental counter at Home Depot.
The thing is, I have no way of knowing for sure (even in the most blatant cases of chest-staring, chatting-up, or treating me as mechanically inept) whether they're seeing me as female, or seeing me as trans and either find that somehow fascinating, don't care, or are just being polite or humoring me. And I've decided I don't really care. I know what I am, who I am, and as long as I'm treated respectfully and with dignity, and in a way that doesn't clash with my self-perception, I'm happy. Deliriously happy, as it turns out. Well, mostly. The tool rental experience wasn't a lot of fun, and the chest-staring is frankly a little creepy. But these are indignities I share in common with women in general in this culture, and I didn't get into this for the cultural advantages after all.
All that being said, there was one incident I'm pretty sure of. When an older gentleman in a wheelchair at the supermarket the other day looked up at me and said, "You're tall," I'm pretty sure he didn't think I was male or trans. (I wanted to respond with some snappy comeback like, "You're observant," or "Boy, nothing gets past you, huh?" But I couldn't think of how to phrase it until the moment had passed so all I did was smile and roll my eyes as I walked by him.)
Moni, your words of wisdom have helped me clarify my thoughts and feelings around this, and have, I hope, prepared me somewhat for some situations I haven't yet encountered. Thank you.
Need to know basis only
I'm legally female, so I'd be inclined to be very selective about disclosing, and the criteria would be very rare.
Medical, it may save time if they aren't looking for bits I don't have.
Legal, most of this should be covered by my amended legal status.
Romantic - I wouldn't do very much on a first date, least of all reveal my origins. It would require some thoughts of commitment before I did that.
Employers: I don't see the need, I didn't disclose it to my current employer although they probably know - it's a relatively small world professionally, and my transition was quite public, although a very long time ago and is no longer relevant.
I did think of telling Bonzi, before he lost a bit of his anatomy, that I wouldn't do anything to him I hadn't had done myself, but he might have got the wrong idea.
Angharad
Angharad
4 golden rules
I didn't even realize I was living by those rules until you listen them. Although I might be more comfortable volunteering the information to good friends than absolutely necessary.
It's all about confidence too. If you think you pass, or think you still look good enough without passing perfectly, people will pick up on that, and only the rudest of people will make a big deal about it.
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick looking for someone who doesn't give a damn about her past"
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick who's addicted to sunlight!"
Polite.
Personally, I live by the assumption that everyone knows but are just too polite to say anything. I appreciate this may say more about my self belief than in anything more tangible. My friends and family know and I appreciate their support and love.
I will admit it has been some eight or nine years since someone actually asked. I simply said yes and answered any questions they had.
I recently went to a ‘comedy club’ and the comedian called me respectable. Now, being called that, I found more upsetting, for some reason.
You should live with whatever makes you comfortable. Other people are usually more caught up in their own problems than we perhaps realise.
Love
Anne G.