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I have insomnia a lot, and I find myself increasingly using that time to think about the abstract.
So here's a hypothetical for everyone. I'm not so much looking for personal advice here, as I'm kind of comfortable with where I stand for now, and I'm not ready to go rocking the ship so soon after the waters have finally calmed, but it's still a question to which I find myself completely muddled for an answer.
So, here's the question:
Is there a difference, in terms of gender roles and transgender, between *enjoying* femininity and *being* female? Not genetically speaking of course.
For example, a person is born male, doesn't necessarily feel their male body is "alien", but at the same time, would still prefer if circumstances allowed them to live as a woman, as opposed to someone who just -knows- they were born in the wrong body?
I know several folks from the latter, but I don't really feel right asking them about something so deeply personal. Better to ask at a place like this and let folks answer if they want to answer, y'know?
Like I said, insomnia gives me time to think about these things when I should be trying to get some sleep. :p
For my part, for all the years I've been researching gender issues, trying to figure out this Rubik's Cube of a soul God handed me, I still don't feel comfortable or qualified trying to answer this one.
I'm mostly just curious how others see this, although it's also something I'll file away for the day I finally meet a shrink I trust too, just to pick their brain ;)
And I'm going to stop there before I really start to ramble.
~Zoe
Edit to add: Heh. I reminded myself of my favorite poem. Noone else ever "got" it, but I loved it. ;)
NIGHT THOUGHTS OF A TORTOISE SUFFERING FROM INSOMNIA ON A LAWN
(E.V. Rieu)
The world is very flat--
There is no doubt of that!
Comments
gender role
I too have given this issue much thought. I think most of us has. I for one am a member of the former. I am a man. I have men's needs, I have male hormones wrecking havoc on my body and I am comfortable in this male body, but if I could choose, I would pick a female body. I have many effeminate traits that I have to supress and many non-male traits that I SHOULD encourage or study. I am a feak of nature. I call myself one because of my thought processes. I tend to be a logical person, but I am VERY artistic as well. Those two sides of my personality are always battling for dominance. most of the time, my artistic side wins. as Pop'eye always says, I yam what I yam. I have to accpet that and hope that in my next life, I get the correct body.
A.A.
p.s. I hope all of that rambling made sense
I am glad you have such faith
that there will be a second chance. I had come to realize that one must do what one must do and treat this life as the ONLY one. The only control I have in this life, as minimal as it is these days of bad economic times among other things is that I do have control over my body and my outlook.
I made the best choice possible under the circumstances. I did not hate my body per se, but the effects of the damn male hormones on my psyche was intolerable. One does not realize the extent it rules over you until they are blocked and you can make a rational choice as to who and what you are ... and the body for me ultimately followed my mind for the ride and here I am post-op.
If one does not have to transition, that is good. But I found in that lonesome time in the middle of night when the house is dark, quiet and you have just gone to the bathroom and you are trying to sleep again, and the only companion you have is your fears, hopes and doubts, you realize that there was no other choice.
Only then, should you go for it.
Kim
It's about finding your own level
There isn't just one route or one solution, it's about being comfortable in your own skin and finding your own level. What's important is making that decision yourself, and not allowing others to exert excessive influence whether they are 'professionals' or not. Be yourself and be at peace.
Good luck.
Angharad
Angharad
There are no easy answers, but there are guides...
I used to have a signature on the bottom of each of my posts and I think I will use it again. It goes like this.
"Be Yourself, So Easy to Say, So Hard to Live."
You ask this question and even give a great example of what you are really asking and I quote both here.
"So, here's the question:
Is there a difference, in terms of gender roles and transgender, between *enjoying* femininity and *being* female? Not genetically speaking of course.
For example, a person is born male, doesn't necessarily feel their male body is "alien", but at the same time, would still prefer if circumstances allowed them to live as a woman, as opposed to someone who just -knows- they were born in the wrong body?"
There are actually several questions here and each have complex answers because you are dealing with a broad range of human beings and how they "FEEL" about themselves.
1) Is there a difference, in terms of gender roles...
A) Of course there are and many differences to boot! You are dealing with individuals personalities here, but the except able societal roles are ever changing based on need. Men and women share in these roles more so now than say in the 50s and 60s.
Example, you'll see many more males pushing a shopping cart with kids in tow these days! No one blinks an eye about this these days. I remember my 'daddy' had to do the shopping as my 'mommy' was recuperating from having my baby sister. This was in 1958.
I was 5 years old at the time, my 7 year old sister tagged along as well. I was tiny back then and was put in that little seat in the shopping cart as my sister held onto the cart as our daddy shopped from a list my mommy made out for him.
OH BOY did he catch hell and was teased by the women unmercifully as he shopped that morning! My sister was giggling her head off, and since I was in little girl clothes I just kept my mouth shut because I was teased a bit myself.
My daddy was so red in the face the women knew they had scored big time and were having a field day! He was saved by a female neighbor of ours. She could tell my daddy was getting pretty upset. She took the list from him and he gave her the money thanking her repeatedly as he took off and went bowling! That was his big stress relief, bowling.
I was the one being teased then, but in the normal way I had always been teased, mostly compliments on what a pretty little girl I appeared to be. (I was not happy and I was not enjoying myself and neither was my daddy! My sister was having a blast giggling her head off.)
This type of thing just wouldn't happen today! My daddy even refused to hang out the clothes during the day as well. He waited until dark to do it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2) Is there a difference, in terms of gender roles and transgender,
A) Same answer as for 1) with a difference!
Aa) How well does the transgendered person look and sound? If the transgendered person can pass the physical scrutiny and also sounds like a woman when she talks, then it is much easier for them unless they really screw up somehow. (They can be happy and truly enjoy themselves)
It is much harder for the transgendered person that looks too male still. Some can pass well until they start to speak and then the reaction to them turns 180 degrees! (This person is rarely happy in real life situations because 'she isn't accepted by others' (Not yet anyway, as time marches on and societal views change as they always do, they will be more accepted and then they can be happy.)
It all depends on the individual! They made their choice based on what they truly felt they needed to do deep within themselves. This is not an easy choice to make, in most cases it is a necessary choice they had to make, it can be a life or death decision! (Happiness? I don't think that is the best question, happier maybe than the life they are living at the present.)
The decision is based on so many other factors you haven't even considered with your question.
"How does their choices affect their lives and the lives of their loved ones?"
If they have a wife and children, how hard is their choice to change genders? They love their wife and children but their need is even deeper than that love, what happens then? How would they answer your questions? Happy? Happier? Need?
No Zoe Taylor, there are NO REAL general answers to your questions of happiness! You have to ask each individual because the answers lie deep within themselves.
This is of course is made in my humble opinion. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, that would just be stupid. Just face it, some people will never agree with me! Giggle, giggle...
Huggles Zoe Taylor
"Be Your-Self, So Easy to Say, So Hard to Live!"
Change Genders...
>>> If they have a wife and children, how hard is their choice to change genders? They love their wife and children but their need is even deeper than that love, what happens then? How would they answer your questions? Happy? Happier? Need?<<<
Nice write up Angel. I'm in the boat described here, and having come out to my spouse of almost 28 years last fall (and still accepted), we are walking the path together. I know where I DREAM things end, and she knows as well (as I've told her). I also am realistic to some extent. It's not so much a choice of changing genders (though for some/many fixing the plumbing IS part of it) as a change in perception of those around us while at the same time, determining how far things need to go. (And, it IS a need.)
Several of the people that know ME, are amazed that I've held on so long... I can explain it, but I can also describe the cost of hanging on.
So, back to the point I originally wanted to make... Your use of the terms "choice" and "change genders". Technically, it IS a choice, but for some it's a choice between living and not living. Not much of a choice in my opinion. But then, life is full of choices. As to the "changing genders", I think that may be a valid term for how the world perceives us, but for many, it's "correcting genders". Subtle differences? Yes. But, I think valid for some.
Enough of my rambling.
Annette
Some very interesting thoughts
For my part, I think a lot of my personal problems stem from not having a proper male role model growing up. Every man in my young life was either always angry or always picking, and even if the latter were well-meaning, the combination of the two really screwed me up psychologically.
I tend to fit into the "enjoys being feminine" category myself, to be honest. I've had many, many occasions where I've been mistaken for female, even after I speak, when just earing ambigous/gender neutral clothing (I've always figured that if I can't wear what I want, then by God I'll wear what's comfortable :p)
When I was thinking about this last night, I was thinking of a fictional character I wanted to write about, but the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that maybe there is a lot of me in there that I just didn't want to 'fess up to.
It's really hard for me to figure a lot of things because there are things I just don't want to face as a real-world scenario. Somehow, posing them as a hypothetical about a fictional character makes them easier to look at objectively.
There was a time when I thought I might even be suffering from mild MPD. It's as though there are times when I just want to be this ultra-feminine creature I've named Zoe, and there are times when I feel comfortable just "being", but it's something that's always there, in the back of my mind.
Heck, I'm just waiting for the day some random friend picks up a copy of Rock Band or some other communal XBox 360 game, and discovers that I have, quite possibly, THE most feminine avatar/gamerpic ever ... Or that I'm quite proud of "her" ;)
A few things I want to respond specifically to, now, also:
Angharad: In theory, I couldn't agree with you more. In practice, I've pretty much been a people-pleaser my entire life. I hate it. I don't hate making other people happy. I hate that making other people happy means sacrificing my own comfort. Like someone (Holly, I think?) says, you have to choose which set of regrets you want to sacrifice.
Unfortunately for me, I'm utterly dependant on my family right now. Due to medical condition, I can't drive, and living in a rural area makes walking not just inconvenient, but a health risk.
Add to that that it's a small, very insular southern community in Arkansas. Not as bad as my birth city in Oklahoma, but there are times when I just feel trapped. The worst part of that is, it's my own fault. I had a chance to finish college and make something of myself, but I chose to pursue romantic endeavors, which ... well, long story short, depression plus already being bad at math equals financial probation, and eventually just dropping out.
Didn't help that I've never really had any direction in my life as a man. I hate, hate, hate wearing a suit, so corporate's never been an option, and physical labor is out, again, due to my medical condition, which is pretty much the story of my life there :)
(Edited to add: On a weird sidenote, I actually find ladies' business suits, skirts or slacks, to be both attractive and comfortable, despite the afforementioned hatred of a suit and tie. Yuck)
I have thin retinal tissue which has caused me nothing but problems since I was born, but I'm already rambling enough to not get into that here :)
I think in my heart I already know the answer. It's something I've discussed extensively with Holly Hart before. I've at least come to a point, thanks deeply to her encouragement, to look in the mirror and say the words "Yes, I am transgendered.", but that's as far as I've managed so far.
Angel:
You bring up an interesting point that I actually didn't even realize, in my insane ramblings last night, that I had brought up :D
Happiness. Oh boy. I'm going to be brutally honest here, and admit something I've never told a single living soul before.
Whenever my curiosity's gotten the better of me, and I've looked into these silly online tests (I say silly because, honestly, there's no substitute for a proper mental evaluation, speaking as someone who's suffered with mild bipolar/manic depression for years), there's always one question that I can answer without a second thought.
"If you were suddenly given the power to change your gender at will, would you use it?"
My answer is always immediately "I'd use it to change genders. I probably wouldn't change back either."
I remember years of sleepless nights as a kid, praying God would make me a girl. I had a lot of that sort of thing blocked out until I started blogging here a couple of months ago.
In a perfect world, I probably would have already done what I really want to do, and lived as a woman for awhile, just to find out once and for all.
Unfortunately, reality being what it is, I continue to live vicariously through sites like BC, admiring from afar the courage of authors here who have transitioned, as well as the fictional works of all the talented authors we have here.
That I think is the most frustrating part. Not knowing because the oppurtunity simply has never arisen. I thought it had once, ten years ago, when I went to stay with my last serious girlfriend several states north for a few months.
Long story short, that ended up being just more secret-keeping as I pretended to be the all-american boy scout for her parents while she was dating other guys.
Buuuut I digress.
Annette:
You hit it, for me at least. It's always been a need, mostly an insatiable desire to just find out if the grass really is pinker on the other side of the fence.
***
There's a lot more to this, as far as my own situation is concerned, but I've already gone on long enough.
I know I said before that I'm comfortable with where things stand, and in a way I am, in that "I don't plan on trying to rock the status quo right now" way. I wish things were different, but I'm willing to bide my time a little longer and see what doors open on their own, and what ones I can pry open with a crowbar.
One of the things I love about BC is that I feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing with you all. Something I mentioned to Holly awhile ago is how, in the past, I've tried to join TG support groups, but I've either been outright shunned, or I've watched others being treated like crap for not being "the right kind" - by that I mean, a crossdresser daring to post a comment to a "Post-op only" forum community, or other stupid crap.
Whereas here, this place truly is *the* Big Closet.
I love you all, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to my idiotic ramblings :)
~Zoe
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God What a Question!
I was catapulted into transition way before I was ready, and I still daily ask myself why I chose such a painful path; did I do the right thing; was there another way?
I made a huge mistake going to the church with my problem. They shoot their wounded.
So I am very happy as a woman, and pass very well. But, on the other side, my heart aches for the loss of my family. It is an issue that I can not resolve. According to my Children, I was the driving force that held the family together and after they threw me out. They, as grown children all went their separate ways.
We each do what we must.
Gwendolyn
Semi-known fact...
It's something of a religious trivia item, maybe; but it was not uncommon in many animistic/shamanistic religions throughout the world for the spiritual leader of a community to be 'dual gendered' by nature or as an aspect of their position. In a way, that just seems to be common sense.. when you are trying to be the representative of your people to the gods and goddesses, spirits and creatures of the spirit world; you need to be open and understanding of all sides of things. And being outside the traditional two genders is part of that. You couldn't be a traditional male... as a healer, storyteller, and teacher; you couldn't be responsible for the hunt and war. But at the same time, you needed to be strong and aggressive enough that those who only respected the successful hunter or warrior would listen and accept your opinion. In some cases, the shaman was known as contrary. Doing things opposite to what might be expected simply to set themselves outside normal boundaries so they could see things fresh (we might say 'thinking outside the box' or 'breaking paradigms'). Despite being men, they wore the garb traditionally reserved to women. Some took herbs and actions to make their bodies more female in appearance; acted in ways that fell outside their standard gender roles or even outside the customs of either gender.
Trivia aside... I've long since desired to be female in body to match the very feminine aspects of my spirit and emotional self that are tightly locked up and masked inside my daily persona. Fortunately, that desire has remained somewhat controllable and balanced against my understanding that what I want is just not possible with medical science right now and no cosmetic alteration to get closer is really going to solve the problems that I face every day, especially as I get older. To keep myself sane... and from falling into despair that the internal Kristin will never get to fully express herself... I've asked that very painful question, "why?"
The answer, of course; is that were I born a girl in body I could never have had the impact on many people's lives that I have had. I don't kid myself that I'm a great sage/mystic/artist/scientist or whatever, but both ego and modesty aside; if the internal conflict in me didn't exist, I'd have been a much less complex person. One with so much less to puzzle out and share with others. I've learned to fight, and heal, and teach, I've been a constant student, a scientist and an artist, and a myriad other things... and I can trace the path backwards through my life and honestly say that without both halves male and female, I'd have been a lot less and learned a lot less.
I enjoy the times when I can be feminine... whether that's dressing up, to the nines or whatever number I can manage; crying over a good movie or book; or even just indulging myself in a little fantasy that has no outward expression. But 'being' female? That's a dream, a hope, but I'll take what I can when it comes... maybe on the next time around.
But for others I've met and spoken with... the internal voice is too strong to keep a balance. I have had a few times in my life when it was all I could do not to do something drastic to force myself along that road to actually 'being female' and a sort of nebulous hope that when it was done, there'd be the freedom to just be me instead of constantly sharing between aspects of myself. And maybe I'll be at that point again sometime. But for the most part, I can keep it in balance and being feminine is enough.
Sorry... my musings in an attempt to answer you may have rambled more than you worried the question did. :) I'm not even sure I 'did' answer the question...
Hi Zoe Taylor, write your story!
Make it fictional or make it as factual as you want, but write your story Zoe!
As I read your blog and your postings I saw your story form in my own mind. I believe if you write it you'll have many of your questions answered.
You don't have to post it Zoe, but Geeze, your story was forming inside of me as I read your postings so I know you have a story to pen!
Hugs Zoe
Angel
"Be Your-Self, So Easy to Say, So Hard to Live!"
"Be Your-Self, So Easy to Say, So Hard to Live!"