Judge Joanne

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Now that I have been Press-Ganged by Emma and Jill into making the ultimate comment on Comments, it's probably reasonable to give you all some very rough hints as to how I will go about it. The two kind ladies have given me total discretion and I will try to use it benevolently.

The first criterion is that a comment MUST relate to a competition entry. That should be obvious.

It doesn't matter if the story to which it relates is not one of the winners. I am judging the comment, not the story.

A comment that says "I liked the story (Full stop)" is unlikely to win. It may gladden the heart of the story's author but not mine.

If a comment is very negative it is unlikely to win, e.g. "I hated this story" and variations on that theme.

I'll have to wait and see the reactions. A top comment does not have to be humorous but it will help. However it may be Oscar Wildean, or it may offer constructive criticism. It may be a thoughtful analysis. I was going to say it must be intelligent, but then I had second thoughts. There are serial commenters out there who may not be capable of meeting such a stringent requirement (no names, no packdrill!).

Of course, you realise I've been given an impossible job, so it may take a little longer and that's why an extra two weeks has been allowed for me to make a decision. That may or not be necessary.

Also I'm thinking of publishing some of the top comments, as long as Jill and Emma agree (the actual final decision remains mine. I have already prepared my protective armour. It's not their fault.). That way, we can have a "leader board" and you could be a contender.

You are not allowed to come after me with flaming torches and pitchforks. Verbal abuse is acceptable. Have fun.

That's All Folks.

Joanne

Comments

Wait...

Erisian's picture

Verbal abuse is acceptable?? Quick! Summon the Monty Python French Castle Defenders, Stat!

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt...of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Oh..were we supposed to wait until the results are already posted? Darnit! Got ahead of things in all the excitement...

Another fav of mine

Andrea Lena's picture

Lost in 2010 on another site I posted my first-ever story The Secret; about a musician who came out to his/her wife, The commentator seemed confused

"I don't get this story. And it didn;t make me feel sexy."

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

The worst comment I ever got

KristineRead's picture

The worst comment I ever got was on another site, early on in Jason’s story…

Dross…

I did not write again for 3 years…

Early Comment

Years ago Peaches drew this comment.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh dear! Very confusing.

Peaches has remained a high-rate seller on Amazon for quite a number of years.

I'm reminded of another Wizard of Oz quote.

The Scarecrow: I don't know! But some people without brains do an *awful* lot of talking, don't they?

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Leader Board

Great plan!

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Criteria

It seems reasonable enough.

Sadly I think my penchant for puns in my comments will be the undoing of me and would push me to the bottom of the pile.

So, to spare myself the ignomy of that situation I will sit on my hands when that inevitable urge to comment hits me.

I will borrow Erisian's technique for the sitting on hands thing :)

Puns Are Permitted

joannebarbarella's picture

As long as they're not ones that leave me holding my nose!

I'm terrified already and we've only got eight replies as I write. I do prefer Dredd to Judy, but please, not Simon Cowell.

Highly Tempted.

You've poked the bear here, Joanna, and I am very, very tempted to comment on every story (or nearly every story) with either a Haiku or a Limerick, just to make your job that little bit more difficult!

"There once was a Judge named Joanne,
Who hatched a most ill advised plan;
Every night before bed,
Ev'ry comment'd be read,
And she'd judge them as best as she can."

"This competition
Should be most interesting
To witness play out."

Melanie E.

A Poet I Am Not

joannebarbarella's picture

And I will judge all comments totally unequally! You are the one poking the bear, Melanie! Beware the Wrath Of Joanne!

Can you send Venmo to Australia?

Dee Sylvan's picture

There once was a judge from Down Under
Who took up her red pen with asunder
With glee she did write
All trembled at her might
Be gone! You’re not worthy, she did Thunder!

Oh my! :DD

DeeDee

My Thunder

joannebarbarella's picture

Is much more preferable than my chunder.

You're so lucky that my red pen will remain sheathed for a few more hours,
Joanne

A heavy burden for a wee lass

Dee Sylvan's picture

The Judge did not flinch at the task
While taking a pull of her flask
Guest commentator beware
If you poke at the bear
She may just reach out and pull off your mask!

G'day sheila! :DD

DeeDee

"All bribes accepted

but I won't do anything in return."

That's my position when people try to suborn me.

My dear Jo

Dee Sylvan's picture

Were you in a game of three card monte with Emma and Jill? Last one standing in a game of musical chairs? Do you have a case of buyers remorse?

Of course I'm referring to the fact that while all three judges will read all of the dozens of stories, you will be reading hundreds upon hundreds of comments. And comments about comments. And replies to comments...

And some of us may peruse the stories for a while before commenting. Or replying to comments. Oy vey sister! :DD

DeeDee

Not to mention . . .

Emma Anne Tate's picture

My friend the Seraph of Cliffhangers(TM) pointed out that there technically isn’t a word limit on comments, either, so . . . .

Ummm.

Jo, you might want to gently intimate that in your considered opinion, brevity is the soul of wit. Or lingerie. Or something — anything, really — that you like a lot. Appreciate, so to speak. Savor, even.

Just a thought. :)

Emma

Please Miss

I want demerits.....

__

Estarriol

I used to be normal, but I found the cure....

A site . . .

Emma Anne Tate's picture

A site for sore . . . err . . . bums?

Emma

only

for the very lucky!

__

Estarriol

I used to be normal, but I found the cure....

Oh goody!

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Horrible Thought

The hall has been rented! The bar is stocked! There's enough food to feed a dragon!

The invitations specified a midnight start.

The band is in tune and ready to spring into action!

What if no one comes to the ball?

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

don't worry

this Dragon will attend....

__

Estarriol

I used to be normal, but I found the cure....

Don't Worry!

joannebarbarella's picture

If the beer is free there's always a crowd!

Are big dogs allowed?

I've heard that judges often are hounded even if not on fire or skewered.
I think I just have to prepare the tar and feathers (to be used on your persecutors).

Now, If Only

joannebarbarella's picture

That comment was on one of our contest entries, Bru, it would be up there on the leader board! I hope you've got stacks more like that,

Joanne