Those few of you who were following my writing project have probably already guessed this, but ... I'm putting my writing on hold for awhile.
I'm sorry. I know I was really enthusiastic about writing again and really getting involved with this community. I love BigCloset, and I wish I could give back, but things are just ... really, really bad right now.
I'll just come right out and say it. My grandma, my last living grandparent, is on her death bed. They almost lost her once tonight, and she has a living will so they can't do anything if they do lose her.
There are a lot of things about this that make it worse though, like the fact that because she's also a hypochondriac of the worst kind, none of us believed her.
Ten years ago exactly one week from now, my grandpa also passed away, and like I said, she's such a hypochondriac, she cried "Wolf" so many god freaking damn times that I didn't believe her when she said that "this is it" then, either.
A lot of old pain mixed with a lot of new pain. I realize this has nothing to do with anything, but I think I just needed to vent.
The timing of it is just awful. I know everyone in my family is thinking the exact same thing I am right now. Ten years, nearly to the day.
Doc says her heart's just winding down. She's pushing 81 and lived alone ever since grandpa left us, so she's tough as hell, but after what the nurse could only describe as a "spell", we're preparing for the worst.
I'll still be around. I still read and vote, even if I don't comment, but there are other things going on too, and I just need to step back for awhile.
I think I've been reading more tonight than I have in awhile though. I started reading Sarah Lynn Morgan's "Boys' School" which has taken the edge off at least (God, I sound like an alcoholic :p)
But if it's reading great fiction or drinking? Yeah, I'll take the fiction every time.
Anyway, I just wanted to post a little 'what's going on' thing. I'm at a loss right now, somewhere between "Numb" and "bad". I've been letting my writing slip for awhile anyway as R/L starts piling up, but this was just the icing on the cake.
But yeah, that's the size of it. When it rains, it pours. I just need to avoid getting struck by lightning and I'll be okay.
~Zoe
Comments
It can really suck
I work in a hospital and I see death all the time. I have watched people die. Death blows. Waiting for the end can be worse than the end itself. As horrible as death can be, I remind myself that The Person is free from their suffering and I hope that their in a better place.
I think that death is kind of like that friend who pops up when you least expect it and don't really have the time. the kind of friend who you tolerate but gets on your nerves at times. the one who is allway telling you to appriciate what you have and enjoy the moment. She's a bitch, but at least she's honest. And she's always there for you in the end(Unfortunatly).
I'm sorry to say that there is only one thing to do to help yourself in this situation. Just be there for family. Draw strength from them and allow them to draw strength from you.
Well, I've probably made you fell worse. I'm sorry about that. I'll shut up and go away now.
Best wishes
Jessica Marie
you have one interesting defination of a friend..
I would more peg death as the person that you would kill on sight, preferable with fire.
Priorities Zoe
Take whatever time it takes. I lost my own mom a few years back, an oodly wonderful bonding experience because I was one of her hospice nurses so I was able to spend the time with her, yet too short. The wheel turns and I found myself giving her the same care she'd have given me as a baby. Love 'em while you've got 'em and after that hold them close in your heart forever.
Life
Death is a part of life. The moment you take your first breath the other waits for you. Both my wife and I have had those very close to us die, and we try to live by the words no regrets. Never leave those precious words unsaid. That is sometimes hard for me since my family is so dysfunctional. Old memories and hurts that persists far pass any reasonable time span. Forgiving yourself and them can be difficult but they are your loved ones. Once gone, you won't see them again in this life. Open your heart and say your goodbyes. This also goes for the rest of the clan that is hurting. Like Jessica says comfort and gain strength from one another.
As for writing... When the words within you are ready to be written we'll still be here. :) I know I have a room full of books that are Old Friends. They have comforted me though many hard and sad times, so if you find a moments rest reading here safe in Erin's Big Closet be assured that you're in good company. Just remember to turn off the flashlight and put it back in its place when finished.
Hugs
grover
Thanks everyone
I had a big, long comment written out, but I decided to keep it simple and sweet.
I just wanted to thank everyone that's contacted me, either here or privately. It means a lot, and for what it's worth, I'm over my initial shock. I don't feel guilty, and I'm even going to say goodbye in my own way.
Growing up, my grandma loved, and I mean *loved* milk cartons. She's been recycling since before it became popular: things like old ice trays for seed planters, milk carton flower pots, etc.
My family always thought it was a little ... eccentric, especially grandpa. He HATED those milk jugs lying around, so we all sort of giggled when, after he passed, she left a milk jug flower bouquet with him.
So if she does leave us, I'm going to see if she has any old milk carton flower pots lying around and leave one with her.
Thanks again, everyone. I love you all.
~Zoe