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My RLT is going great. I'm accepted by almost all of my friends, all of my co-workers, and some of my family. I live with a wonderful woman in a 16 year platonic partnership, I have recently discovered that an angel, an incredible, beautiful, intelligent, understanding woman, is in love with me, and I feel the same about her...and yet.
At this moment in time I feel ineffably alone and lost. I have no clue why I feel this way, and yet it's very, very real. I sat in my car this afternoon, just letting it warm up, for over an hour. I never left the driveway, the car was never out of park. I just sat there, with the window cracked open, burning gas, listening to the radio, and crying.
And I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I only know that I DO. I don't know what to do about it, and I'm not even sure I want to talk to anyone about it.
Maybe part of it is that, while I was sitting in the car, in my mind I was headed south, to Atlanta. But I've promised not to do that, and I won't.
I've been alone a lot in my life, and I thought I had these feelings handled, yet today, they came rushing back to me like a runaway bulldozer.
Maybe I'm only writing this in some kind of attempt to quantify what I feel by writing about it...it's not helping. Maybe it has something to do with the arctic blast we've been having since long before winter was even official. I don't know.
I apologize if posting this brings anyone down. That is not my intent. I'm not looking for sympathy either, although I'm not exactly sure what it that I AM looking for. Heh, maybe I just need a good spanking, ala Gwen.
Maybe I'm afraid that everything I've worked for will collapse like a house of cards, and I'll end up alone again. This time for good. It wouldn't be the first time.
I know that I have things better than a lot of you do, and probably, in your eyes, I have no reason to feel this way...but I do...and I don't know WHY! I'm not suicidal or anything like that...just very, very lonely.
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
Why Are You Having Such a Hard Time
believing someone can love you and you can love that someone back? Someone out there wants you. Its overwhelming at times, but is possible for everyone who is alive and on this planet. You have achieved more in the past year than you did the prior 20. Believe it!
Sephrena Lynn Miller
BigCloset TopShelf
Confusion or conflict?
If things have always gone wrong before, then there is a natural tendency to distrust them when they don't, the other shoe dropping syndrome. Plus, it may be safety mechanism, you know you can cope on your own, so avoid the pain of a break up, and be alone, because you always end up that way, and it works for you. So there is a temptation to sabotage and avoid the pain, which part of you feels is inevitable.
Then there is the risk of losing a friend. Lovers don't always make good friends, so the cost if it all goes wrong increases.
Finally, this is all unknown territory, which is risky in itself. So when you put all of this together, no wonder you are finding it strange or having doubts about committing. Life is easier on your own, but it's also far less fulfilling. Ultimately the choice is yours, plus of course involvement of your friend. However, there is also a chance to grow, again a frightening thing in an adult--there's no safety net.
You must make the choice, but not necessarily soon or by yourself. Talk to your friend - women talk about their emotions, which is where men come unstuck, they don't. But do so with an open mind, and tell her about your fears and inclinations to run. Commit, if and when you are ready and don't rush things, but most importantly, have some fun together, at least that way, if does go pear shaped, you have some good memories and feelings to take away from it and it won't have been a waste of time. Life is about our relationships, we are social animals and we frequently get things wrong, but when we get it right, it's beautiful - allow yourself to experience the beauty in life.
Good luck,
Angharad.
Angharad
Angharad
Please understand.
There is NO doubt in my mind of Ariel's feelings for me, or mine for her. I don't think that is at the root of what I'm feeling.
I know she loves me, and I know I love her.
I wanted to make that abundantly clear.
Thank you both for caring and commenting, trying to help.
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
Blues in E
You say you're in RLT, does that mean HRT too ? I mean for some time now, but not like several years? I remember having real crying jags and bouts of misery for some time, starting something around after the first half year or so. That gradually increased and I was at a loss about it, until it was pointed out that flooding your system with 'different' hormones meant learning to cope again.
Whoo, these are very different from what washed through you the first time around in your teens, and now they even aid in the emotional roller-coaster.
Not to make fun of your concern, but reading this I couldn't help smile a little about the inherent contradiction: 'This time for good.' and then 'It wouldn't be the first time.'
Take heart from what you've experienced obviously, as long as you 'press on'* you'll find all is not lost. Ever. You know that, hell, you're even on the right side of the gap now, so it can only get better.
Now for the fun side. It will not stop. You'll cry buckets and occasionally feel miserable for the rest of your life, but that's just.., well, all right. It's only tears and bouts of gloom.
When I was about 10 months in HRT, commiserated by one of my girl friends, she confided that she too sometimes was awake in the middle of the night. And just had a crying fit. It made me realize it's just something that happens, and probably most with the Estrogen flooded half of the populace.
Nevertheless, take Angharad's advice and talk about your feelings and fears. Share your anxiety, not only your joys, and you'll see that too will help. Umm, *chews bottomlip* no it won't but you'll know you're not alone. And that might help. :)
Jo-Anne
*)credits: JulieO
Do you live anywhere hear the northern US?, Could be a seasonal
... thing.
Up here in Wisconsin the long nights, short days and frequent overcast skies reduce your body's abilty to make vitamin D and can cause pschological probelms in people. Drinking alchohol tends to rise as a result. Plus as you are in your RLT and that must add additonal stresses and emotions good and bad to the mix.
Hang in there and stop looking for the dark clouds that your mind assumes *must* be surrounding your silver linings. Sometimes things turn out well, period.
It is good you *vented* your worries here. We don't mind and do seek the help of your physical friends as well.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I Was Going To Say That!
Seriously, Cathy, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, affects a lot of people. It's very real, and well-documented. You are not alone.
From Wikipedia:
Feel better soon! Meanwhile, just hang on, Hon, it's only temporary.
Cathy, I Feel For You
I hope and pray that you overcome this attack upon your happiness. You have many friends here who care very much for you. You are not alone by a long shot!
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Welcome to womanhood
I am with Angharad. Women talk and emote. This is what you wanted; I mean to be a woman. I have experienced the sadness, and unhinged feeling too. I think any transwoman does. I had a crying time last night, and I felt better afterward.
One of the things I most enjoy about Woman hood is the subtle handshake done with the eyes and smile as I pass another woman. The quick conversations we have, whether we are sorting through vegetables at the market, digging through panties on sale, or commenting on the rare and beautiful sunshine we had today. You'll never have a conversation with a woman about whose pickup is best, or the fat cow Elk they shot with their husband.
No woman will ever laugh at you for stopping in front of almost any reflective surface to check a scarf, or our lipstick.
Oh, there are ever so many new things for us to learn. I am with you in your sad moments, and in the moments of pure joy. May you be ever so blessed.
Ma Salama
Khadija Gwen
Alone in a room full of people?
Been there, done that! Got a free t-shirt as a 1,000,000th customer.
You say your friends accept you. Do you accept their acceptance? If so you are keeping them at arms length if you feel alone. Share your feelings with them. You will find new levels of friendship from some who truly accept you. Same thing goes for your family.
Its one thing to "come out" and start your RLT, but if you can't share your pain AND joy with them then they aren't friends...just close aquaintences... to do less is to be less than a friend to them.
Hugs,
Dayna.
ps. If this seems harsh. I'm paraphrasing my pshrink and years of group therapy. I thought it was harsh too.
But it worked for me and I've seen it work for others.
Its a normal for you
Catherine;
As much as you feel it is abnormal to feel this way it is normal for you. I can empathize with you in that I do the same thing. I am so used to things falling apart when they seem to be going good. They only fall apart because I stop and analyze them and find that this feeling of goodness is not what I expected. Then I find a way to ruin my up time by doing something wrong and telling myself it was necessary as I am not entitlted to feel good.
I am still working on that and getting better. I was always told I was worthles and would never amount to any good and in transition I was told I was an abomination. Low self esteem was deeply embedded and so whenever I was "Hooked on a feeling" it was wrong.
Start telling yourself why you deserve to feel the way you do when you are "Hooked on a Feeling." Three things we need to change to get better People, Places and things. Whatever we did to take ourselves down, we change and find those things which make us feel good, the people who are not supportive of us we put aside. The places we visit that helped our self esteem hit the basement we avoid.
I've put my siblings and so called friends on a shelf with a promise to revisit the issues with in two months and if I still feel ambivilent wait two years and if that doesn't work wait twenty years.
I'm entitle to feel good and so are you.
You didn't just happen by chance. Family and sometimes extended family planted the hot buttons we have and they know how to push them even from a great distance and by carefully chosen words.
if you feel good about this person go with it. Enjoy her company, tell her how you feel and how you try to sabotage moments that make you feel good because of guilt.
I'm getting better, I'm not out of the woods, but I enjoy myself more so then I used to.
I use an adage "I as in Illness, We as in wellness." When we are alone and choose to be alone we remain ill. When we are with someone our minds are busy with that person or person we don't have time to feel bad.
When we are alone we need to concentrate on the good times we had and with who/whom we had them.
Being a combat veteran adds a difficult equation especially with PTSD. However; by having friends you can call it becomes easier to get through the difficult times.
I truly believe that as we leave our parents that the people we begin to befriend are people who we would like to think of as true family. That is people whom we can trust. People who will let us know when we are off center and people who will make us feel welcomed no matter what we do or say.
If you need to chat e-mail me and I'll send you my cell phone number.
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Not too confusing...
Remember that Carpenters song Rainy Days and Mondays?
I had never expected that I would have to deal with clinical depression, but now I find myself taking Citalopram. Sometimes, it's just a lack of energy. Other times, I feel sad and lonely.
A few days ago, I felt like I just wanted to check out -- not suicide, but go live in a shack in the middle of the woods somewhere. At that time, my loving family felt to me like a restriction that kept me from doing what I felt I wanted to do. Abandoning them is not an option.
Things are looking up, but sometimes it just hits. It's chemistry or hormones or something.
So hold on to your friends, hold on to your family, and definitely hold on to your love. They'll help you get through those times.
And even if they aren't around right then, thinking about them will help you get through.
I confess to you right now that the only thing that kept me from seriously contemplating suicide a year ago was the fact that it would ruin my sons' lives (there is no way Mary could raise them by herself,) and it would seriously hurt my grandparents, parents, and siblings.
So remember, feelings are not logical. There is generally a reason, but often times, there is not.
Ray Drouillard
(I'm going to read everyone else's replies now.)