I talked with my dad this weekend. Probably for the last time. I just don't think that I can deal with him anymore. Everytime I call him, he hassles me wanting grandchildren. He does not care who I marry, or even if I get married, he just wants grandkids and he wants them soon. Several times after he gets done pestering me about that, he will try to make a joke while questioning my sexuality. This weekend when I called him he again pestered me for grandkids. I told him off about it and told him to stop with the bullshit or he would never get grandkids. He apologized and said he would stop but he was very condasending when he said it. He then called me a wuss and started chuckeling like it was the funniest thing ever. I hung up on him. I don't want to deal with him anymore. Here I am trying to change my life for the better and be happy and he just brings me down.
What really brings me down is the simple fact that he's my father. I'm about to disown my own father. I think back and wonder what might have happened if I had been a better son. Let's face it. I've never been a very good son. I was never a jock, as a matter of fact I suck royaly at sports.I was never a fighter. I was never a good student. I've never been mechanicly inclined. I was never good at farming, I was never good at makeing friends. Lord knows I was never a ladies man. I was not very good at doing what I was supposed to do. I've failed my father and myself so many times over the years.
To tell you the truth, I was thinking about telling him everything about me. Just to piss him off I would have told him everything. The only problem being that I could not rely on him to keep it to himself.
Goodbye dad. I'll miss you. I wish I could have been a better son.
smorr24
Comments
Is that what you really wanted?
Would being a "good son" really have made you happier? How would you feel at 50, having been a "good son", and hidden who you really were from the rest of the world.
From all I've seen/read, many of those who frequent these pages end up becomming separated (either temporarily or longer term) from their biological families when they admit to them who they are. Should this happen? Well, the number of "shouldas" out there is pretty gigantic.
Good luck to you on your path through life.
Annette
Speaking as someone who has disowned 92.7% of her family...
It's rough the first time, and rough with the "big ones" -- but it gets easier. I dunno how much that actually helps, but, well, you don't get to pick your family. You can adopt yerself into a bigger family made up of all your friends and support network, though! :)
They say
you can pick your friends, your family picks you.
Wrong.
Families often put you down; friends, real friends, pick you up, dust you off and give you the strength to face the world.
Just remember that your dad is trying to live his life through you. That's unfair and unloving. If he truly loved you, he'd want the best for you, not for him. He wants grandkids so that he can show you off as the perfect son that he raised; he doesn't give a stuff about your feelings.
You tried to be the perfect child; it's not your fault that it didn't work out.
Now just go out there and be the best person that you can be - and draw strength from all those people who love you as you are and who are happy to call you THEIR friend.
Take care and lots of hugs - I go miles on a good hug.
Susie
Families
My parents briefly visited us yesterday. There were hugs all around before they left.
Yes, I hugged my dad.
Was I a good son? In some ways, yes; but in other ways, no. What counts is that we love each other, even though we are very well aware of each other's faults.
What I'm trying to say is that if you two couldn't connect on a personal level and have enough shared memories (and shared love & affection) to weather this, it's his fault. I have to work hard to connect with my sons and I have to love them to receive their love. That's the job of a parent. If a parent looks at his child and only sees what he isn't receiving from said offspring, there is something wrong -- and it's the parent's fault. It's his job to support you, get you to your feet, and send you off in the right direction -- the direction that fits you best. After that, it's his job to let you go your own way and only offer advice when it is requested. It's not his job to nag and harp and wring his hands about what he wants from you.
My parents made a number of mistakes, but I was a difficult child to raise. In the final analysis, what I cherish the most is that they let me choose my life direction and supported me. My other two brothers followed Dad's path, and I am currently at a down point in my life. Still, Dad accepts me and doesn't express disappointment.
If your dad can't act like that, it's his fault and his problem.
As a TG person, you have as many difficulties as my own ADD/ADHD/ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) tendencies. Just like I can turn my challenges into strength (not visible now, BTW,) you can do the same. People who have mixed traits have a unique way of looking at the world. People who go through trials in life learn to be strong and wise.
Cherish this.
If your difficulties wear you down, you are wasting them. Challenges lead to growth. If that doesn't happen, it's like paying dearly for some treasure, then neglecting to collect it.
As far as family is concerned -- lean on your sister. Talk to her and soak in her acceptance. That will give you the strength to handle the rest.
By the way, you might want to bank some sperm before starting hormone therapy. You may never use it, but it's better to save it and not need it than to want it and not have it. If you decide that you like girls, you can parent a biological child even after transition.
Well, I think I have blathered enough. Keep your chin up and look to the future! Remember that you are more valuable as an original you than a copy of anyone else in the world. No matter what others want from you, you can't give full measure unless you take care of yourself. Be yourself.
Ray Drouillard
Guy Socialization
Our society socializes men to be competitive. It's pervasive at all levels. Guys who never learned to be proper fathers often display the same behavior towards their male children. They think they're being friendly, just joshing with one of the guys. They never realize how hurtful and emotionally remote they've been.
Male children aren't born as men. They're babies and have the same need as other babies. Unfortunately, whatever it is in our society, homophobia or whatever, an awful lot of fathers never feel comfortable enough to allow themselves to bond with their own male children as babies. Instead, they treat them like little adults. Little male adults that they have to be competitive with, to tease, and belittle, thinking it's all in good fun, the way they've been taught to behave with their buddies.
Pretty effing effed up, if you ask me, and a bloody useless loss.
Guy Socialization
Absolutely spot on, Pippa. My Dad died of a coronary when I was 25. I had these fantasies that I'd come back from Vietnam (this was a while back) and he'd say something like, son, now that I can see you are grown up and can support yourself & have a career, let's have an adult relationship and I'll tell you what I really feel about stuff and you can do the same instead of me brooding about your 'lack of character and other traits that men value.' Probably never would have happened anyway. He didn't know how. Daphne
Daphne