Author:
I've been doing some thinking about how to deal with antagonists. I'm not in school now as I've been doing (and failing) school work online. I will be back in High school in the 2nd semester.
At first, I thought, "Hey if they bully me then I'll stand up for myself and tell them what's what." Then I came to the conclusion that, that's not a good idea as I am giving the reaction they hope for.
Next, I thought if I laugh at them for their insults and play off of my sense of humor. Then I realize that hurts them more than it does help them and I gain nothing but getting rid of the antagonist. I'm one to understand causes and effects.
Finally, I came to the idea from reading a few stories on here. That if I were just to be kind to my foes then they could probably see that I'm not so bad and I could get a new friend(s) out of it.
I don't know. Being super kind of a bully would be an incredibly difficult thing. Something I think is more for theory than the practical.
What do you people think?
Comments
It is a dangerous path...
When you are nice to a hostile person, it is a worst possible kind of trolling. In real life it could lead to the beatings by the frustrated "antagonist". Sadly being nice to antagonist works only in the stories... Average Homo Sapient is a viscious creature bent on the avoiding of the use of the sapience at all costs...
My experience with the bullies is that they are "strong" only in the case of several of them against one of you. (I once met one of those by coincidence privately in the elevator... Something came over me and I just pushed the guy into the corner and sternly explained to him that I know where he lives and I can meet him alone whenever I desire... That guy somehow managed to evaporate from his group of "friends" when they bothered me from then on... Had not helped with others, as one of the group was about 1.5 foot higher and about 2 times heavier then me... And even he was quite civil when we happened to be one on one without his group of friends...)
So your best bet is to make friends. When you are not a loner and alone bullies will mostly try to avoid you. (works in another way when bullies are girls. Girls are viscious... And not physical... Most of the time... But could be dangerous opponents in the fight. So you need to use your wit and humor, but be ready for physical attack...)
And... Main thing. There are no rules or good for all recomendations. But having friends always is an asset. Just be sure that you are not one of the "omegas" in your group of friends...
Good luck!
Be safe!
Reread Tuck saga by Elen Hayes ( barkingduck.net/ehayes ) You are not likely to meet that extreme, but there are some good pointers on ways to deal and ways to not deal with the bullies.
Reaction to a bully.
I think trying to be nice is counter productive. The thing is a bully is basically insecure and the bullying is a compensation for that. To be able to give a recommendation one would really have to know a bit more about the bully, there certainly is no general recipie.
My personal method is to just be assertive, meaning look them in the eye and silently tell them they will have a really bad time trying to harrass you with your eyes. But then I am a sixty four year old transwoman, who has survived more than 25 years as a roadie.
Monique S
As with most human issues . . .
It depends. . .
I've never had a problem dealing with a bully one on one, just the two of us. Its when there's an audience or worse, when a 'posse' is on the scene. So much of what goes on with Adolescents and Young Adults is about 'saving face'. Keeping the rep.
One on one, I've been able to tone things down, reach an accomodation that worked for us. Now, I'm a pretty good sized fellow and was even back in the day. Messing with me without an audience had little to gain and the potential for a lot of problems. However, an audience complicates matters several ways. for the 'bad boy' or 'bad girl'. First, they can't back down or their next 'client' might not be afraid of them. Also, you get the 'cheering section' that is yelling for him/her to show the punk etc. who is the boss, basically egging on to get grist for the gossip mills. Worst of all is that if the bad guy runs in a pack and even if you can make him see reason (physically if necessary), the encounter can suddenly devolve into a multi-player beat down as his buddies come 'help.'
Anyway, for rationality to win, you have to have a situation where there is nothing for either side to lose by finding a nicer way out. With the kids I used to work with, that usually meant away from other prying eyes and 'helpful' voices.
Just my two whacks at the scratchin' post,
Tiggs
I'm whacked but this is what I do
I thank the bully with a smile as if whatever they are dishing out is a compliment, then simply walk away smiling. They are almost always baffled and let me walk away. After doing it you build up a rep as whacked and since they can't get the reaction they were going for they give up.
I know the truth about myself. Think about this, 90% of what can be said about you is or at some point was true. Under certain circumstances the remaining 10% could be true. So why get upset? That's not saying I'm happy, but I've learned to let things roll off my back with a smile. Being considered whacky has it's benefits.
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
I ignored them
took a month and the three that would punch my back stopped because I didn't react.
one mouthpiece I delivered a well telegraphed haymaker and split his lip, then lifted him from where he had me in a headlock and tossed him into the lockers before walking away.
but the real show stopper was an accident in pe, my knee hit the plywood over the cinderblock wall and left a dent in it. It LOOKED like my head did.
not one person would bother me after that since I just continued to chase the ball in the game.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
It depends on the circumstances
Being nice or helpful could be an answer. It would depend on the bully and his or her motivation for treating you the way he or she does. What works for one situation may not work in another.
A lot have given you what they did in that situation so I guess I can do the same although remember what works for one person does not work for every person. My father tried to remedy the bullying I was receiving by having me taught how to fight. Looking back on that all it really did was start a vicious cycle of me beating up the bully, him coming back with a couple friends. Me learning more about fighting, beating the bully and his friends, him coming back with even more friends. When he ran out of friends to bring he and his friends brought sticks and knives. I will say I gave better than I got but you only win against being crazily outnumbered in the movies.
Luckily we moved before someone died, but I did end up needing stitches a few times before we moved. At my new school it wasn't as bad but the same stuff did happen. When the bullies got around to the "New kid" rather than fight just enough to stop from being hurt I beat the two of them senseless and didn't stop until teachers pulled me off.
Another time when three bullies squared off against me, I tossed a black widow spider on one of them that I had in an empty matchbox in my jacket pocket. Dumped a container that had half a dozen wasps down one guys shirt on another occasion. Oh and I always wore steel toes boots to school, I don't think I need to explain how using those can make a guy forget about fighting.
Long story short, I got a reputation of someone you didn't want to fight.
We the willing, led by the unsure. Have been doing so much with so little for so long,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
My father sent me to boxing
My father sent me to boxing lessons when I was six. I went twice a week until I was thirteen. I competed in boxing tournaments for a few years before I quit boxing. I used to get in a fight with a bully about once a year, usually I was the new kid or the bully was new to the school. The kids who knew me, knew better and didn't pick on me. I never started a fight, but I finished them. I never had to fight more than one bully at a time, maybe it was part of the school's culture but fight's were always one on one, even the ones I wasn't involved with. I used to carry a short piece of sawed off broom handle in my pocket and held it in my right fist when I fought, it keeps the fingers in your fist from moving, resulting in a more solid punch. I didn't win every fight, but the bullies still left me alone, even after a loosing fight.
Bullies are humans, too
They bully because they are striving to achieve recognition, as we all do, but they only know the way of violence and intimidation. Some will continue to bully all through their lives, but many will turn into perfectly normal people.
And in part, that depends upon how they are treated in response. The more that others can treat them as normal people, joke with them, even tease them in a friendly way, the more likely they are to get through it as an unfortunate period in life.
So my response is that whilst you should not be subservient, always be civil to others, bullies or not. The better you behave towards others, the better they will behave towards you.