Transgender expression seems to have turned an unanticipated corner in the last year or so. Still, life can be very dangerous for the unwary transwoman. The stealth cloak of Islamic clothing has done a lot to keep me safe, and the fact that I just don't club or otherwise party late at night has been a part of that. By default, I recently wound up being one of the main speakers at a local GBLT group where everyone seemed to want to know about transgender folk. Sheesh, I was not even on the speaker list.

I've been unyielding and even snotty about expressing my T identity in a way that seemed right to me and it has taken years to work that out. At first it seemed clear to me that a T woman had to be as girly as possible. It's been terribly hard to feel validated enough as a woman to engage in a romantic relationship having not felt that I had permission from God to do so. I am talking about ME and no one should feel that my insistence about God is meant for them.

So, while I live the most authentic life I can as a very feminine woman, it has become obvious to me that the girl who'd like to ride a dirt bike up an impossible hill, or go blasting down the interstate on a Harley is still very much alive and is getting damned pissed about not being let out. Yet, because of the duality of nature, she would be quite happy to be tied to a table and spanked! What does one do with such a woman?

For me, the conversation has changed. Because of some scripture I recently discovered, (Matt 5:29, Matt 19:12, and Isaiah 56:4-5) I finally know exactly who I am and that the God that "I" believe in loves me. I know this is offensive to some of you, but I am talking about ME here and no one else.

It means that I am a Eunuch. Ottoman Eunuchs lived in the Harems and dressed like women. This fits me perfectly, and I finally feel as If I understand.

Gwen