I know that commiting the remains of a loved person to burrial and disposition is hard. Though my personal experience has been, that active participation has helped me a long way towards closure.

16 years ago my daughter died because of medical negligence during the birthing process and did not survive the emergency cesarean. Even though everybody insisted on my being a passive participant, I am glad that I carried her casket to the gravesite, that I lowered the casket into the grave and that I started and helped fill the grave. This active participation has helped me tremendously in the grief process and obtaining closure over losing her. My ex-spouse did not even participate, and even today seems to lack the necesary closure.

10 year ago my grandmother died in Canada, and I allmost moved heaven and earth in order to redeem my frequent flyer miles to be there for the funeral. We grandchildren had the honor of being the pallbearers. As the oldest grandchild, I requested that there be pot of dirt available at the gravesite for a symbolic shoveling, since the burrial there involved a concrete vault before the dirt is packed into the grave. Again, throwing dirt on the casket was very therapeutic for me.

Now almost 2 months ago, my father passed away from cancer. During the planning for his farewell celebration I insisted on being one of the pallbearers and that the grave closure should be done by those present at the cementary. After having held dad's hand until he expired, I again was an active participant in the burrial of his remains. It has not been easy, but it is helping me to get closure on that stage of my life.

I hope my experience can help you all through your own personal journey of grief.

Jessica