Hi,
It is rare that, actually this is the first time I have made an entry into any forums. but I feel that something is missing from this website. I really do enjoy the vast majority of stories posted on the site, but it seems that sometimes that most of us forget who we are and what brings us together. By and large, we are TS, TG, and TV, and this is a way too for us to get together, away from the eyes and prejudices of some.
I enjoy the the fantasy and magic stories, and most of the content, but there seems to be little of what it is like to be truly transsexual, and what it has been like to grow up and live that way. It is not always a bed of roses, and that dream of being truly or surgically transsexual cannot be altered by any amount of fiction and dreams. Unfortunately, for at least some, it is truly painful, and the pain that is endured is beyond the description of that endured by many.
Some are fortunately strong enough to be able to make the transition early; although, I am sure not without any pain, regrets, or trials. My heart goes out to those that have had the courage to make the transition, or are making, or are making the transition now.
I am writing this because I am a failure, and to congatulate those with much more intestinal fortitude than I.
I have been through tons of therapy, take prescription meds for depression, anxiety, and panic, and I know that is no way to live a life.
I began taking injectable estadionable cypionate at 36, and have been through over a year of a RLT, but I have never gotten to where I want to be. Although, the estradiol cypionate was supposed to be only castrating at 3 months, I went off after two months, and realized my ejaculate was now reduced to seminal fluids and no sperm.
I have been on and off estrogens over the years, and my penis and testicles have greatly diminished in size. I no longer have nighttime or morning erections, or nocturnal emissions. When I do dream, it seems I do so as a woman.
I am currently awaiting, and hopefully they should arrive tomorrow, my Estrofem. I order from InHouse Pharmacy and when I am on my estrogens, it is incredible how I and my skin feel. It takes little time for my skin to feel incredibly sensitive, and for my breasts, hips, and buttocks to reestablish and assert themselves. I just wish I had not stopped at 36 and completed my journey to womanhood. Maybe this time I will finish my journey.
I have begun, and then stopped, writing stories about the way it is for some of us. I only hope that we can somehow can be a community that supports the needs in all of us.
Love,
Michele
We all take the path in different ways and none are easy
I'm past 40 now and have been off and on hormones prescribed and diy.Making it in this life with gid is a challenge.Two years now I've been on hormones and was supposed to start rlt a year ago but life has stepped in to prevent it.Instead of crying in my beer (expression as I don't drink)I've become more active in the community and find myself becoming stronger in asserting who I am.Hopefully soon the economy will get better and I can get on with my life and transition.Storys due need to be written about the TS/Tg/Tv life but will people really read them when their allready living it verses the perfect scenario storys?Amy
But what audience?
For many years I denied what I felt within. I have never seen a therapist, nor taken any kind of hormones. Fear and finally finance made any serious pursuit of my inner feelings impossible, and yet I KNOW, without any doubt at all, that the gender of my body is not what it should be. I am not the person people see, but there is simply no way I can pursue the desire of my inner self. Am I less TG because I somehow mange to persist in a body I hate with a passion? All I have is fantasy, so when I write and read I tend towards stories that revolve upon the miraculous - the impossible. Does that make me less TG than others? I cling to the fantasy because that is all I have and it frankly offends and hurts me that someone here would imply I am less than they are because I have not experienced the pain of transitioning.
Scott
-- Moliere
Bree
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
http://genomorph.tglibrary.com/ (Currently broken)
http://bree-ramsey314.livejournal.com/
Twitter: @genomorph
The romantic idea about transitioning
On the other hand, it certainly is more painful than I had expected. Life is not just all honey and roses when a person transitions. Still, it is pleasant to think about and I have heard that there are those who have a wonderful life.
One thing that keeps me going is that I believe I am seeing a growing acceptance for Trans folk and that in the last 5 years. Perhaps in some future time, any children who want to can try living as a girl, or boy for a year, and then make a decision without all the hand wringing and hostility we experience now.
Obviously, the best decision is to develop a prenatal "cure" for our condition so that no more of us are born.
Gwen Brown
Which Audience?
This is strange because just a few nights ago several of us was talking about this very subject. One of the reasons I love BCTS is because you can find a little of everything here. I admit of late we'd had more Sci-fi/fantasy stories than normal, but with the increased posting we'd had more of everything!
I primarily write Sci-Fi/fantasy tales, because in a way I feel the only way possible for me to achieve my impossible dream is in a dream. Yes, I'm a fence sitter. I know all too well the feeling of looking out over those far pastures and longing to walk them. What lies behind me is nothing but pain. Sometimes I can even go back but I always find myself there again looking out over the "should've beens, and what if's." IT should be easy shouldn't it to climb down and walk forward shouldn't it? There are all sorts of reasons why those like I don't. Fear, lack of resources, and a host of others. I know I'm not alone since in my opinion most forced Fem stories are a plea, to someone, anyone knock me the hell off this damn fence. Every now and then I get the courage to step into that unknown but still can't let go of my death grip on that fence.
Maybe someday the pain behind me will force me forward, but until that day I seek relief in the dreams written by others. I perhaps am delusional in thinking that my scribbles may bring a smile or laugh to another out there somewhere looking for relief as well. I do know writing helps me cope. Don't know if that qualifies as an audience or not.
I have nothing but the highest respect for those who has abandoned that fence and gone forward. Others has told me courage has nothing to do with it. In the end it was simply something they had to do. I know I've been very fortunate and lucky to avoid the abuse so many of our sisters have suffered from. I'm even more blessed to have someone who loves and supports me. Yet still those pastures and skies calls me.
Just some of my thoughts.
hugs!
grover
Which audience?
Dear Grover,
Don't feel too badly. I am still sitting on that proverbial fence, and have the splinters to show from having ridden if for so long. It is a long hard ride, and the saddle is rife with not only with splinters, but also, the longer the ride, the more that the saddle-sores begin to not only set in, but complain quite vocierously I might add. Sometimes, it seems as the journey has no end.
Often it seems as if Quixote has taken up his chamberpot and is lancing at windmills again--without the friendship and loyalty of Sancho Panza. One can only hope that they, "Live a fool and die a sage."
Miss Amelia
exposition
It's all about perspective and point of view. I suppose most things I write will in some way deal with being TS as that is where my head is. There have been some dark pathways and a few beautifully lit ones. Over 15 years with false starts, loss of friends and family, a non existant career path and general messed-up-ness I will never say, 'you must'.
'He' had two relationships with women, in one case had she been pregnant... well I doubt I would be here like this. Would I be sitting on that fence? Maybe. More likely I would just be buried in a life... though it is likely it would have imploded at some point which may well have been much worse.
I chose, if chose is the right word. All sorts of small things and places where I might have turned aside. Yet here we are. There may be many things here that don't quite appeal. My writings and point of view will not appeal to many, so it goes. Every person that comes here is unique, with their own story and reasoning. Without living it how can I know or understand it fully enough to say yeah or nay at any point. Some may call me perverted or sick, others might say admirable or strong. That's all crap. I just am, because otherwise I would not be. Weakness or strength, well or ill, it all depends... it always does. One thing it is is ultimately personal. No one else can decide. But then I'm just a selfish opinionated looney. Well, a little stubborn anyway. All I ask of anyone here is to come with an open mind and do not be too quick to judge. Difference is a given, everyone is different in some small way. And thank God for that. Damn it would be boring if we were all the same.
Kristina