...as anyone knows who's read my blogs, this has been an ongoing struggle with me. It's why I have difficulty sleeping, because in the past I'd dream about detransitioning, and actually find I like the idea. Until I woke up, that is, but the fact I had those feelings even for a moment makes me panic. So, no sleep.

It's why I've struggled to find something, any kind of proof of cross-gender behavior in my past, that legitimized my transition. When people ask me, "Why did you transition?", I don't really know what to tell them, since my path to living as female was not quite the same as it is for most transpeople--I didn't cross-dress growing up, for instance. So in the past it's made me second-guess myself.

The same arguments play out in my head over and over:

"You're only staying female because you don't want to go through the legal and emotional trouble of switching back!"
"But I don't want the male hormones masculinizing me again: the body hair, the course skin, etc. etc."
"But you were living as male until your thirties, and you did all right."
"The hell I did. I was terrified someone would see something feminine about me, and my constant obsessing about the subject gave me a nervous breakdown."
"You're just making excuses. Truth is, you're not happy with your transition because of the way you look...." and on and on.

Worse, I find that after fifteen years of living full-time female, I still have never quite become accustomed to being called "ma'am" or "miss." Granted, I like when people do that, but it's still jarring. It raises the unpleasant possibility that I might have a male mind after all, and was mistaken about being trans.

I'm seeing a therapist about this now, so these thoughts are not as pervasive as they were. But I always fear they'll return.

What keeps me from actually detransitioning? Maybe the fear of telling all my friends who have only known me as Rachel, and all the legal stuff I'd have to go through, does deter me somewhat. But I refuse to believe that's the only reason. There must be something I truly love about my transition, or I would have gone back long ago.

I can relate to what Phillip said about being curious what it would be like to be male again. After fifteen years, my time living as male is a rapidly fading memory, so I suppose such curiosity is normal.

I do fear that if I got off the female hormones for awhile as he did that I would start to feel more masculine. Then I'd be completely unsure of where I fit.

If nothing else, I think I've made progress in dealing with this struggle. There was a time that I wouldn't have been able to view such a segment as this without feeling panic attacks. I did feel some anxiety viewing it, but I was able to talk myself down.

It does scare me that someone who was HAPPY as a female, as Phillip says he was, would suddenly do this. What does that mean for those like me, who have never been quite satisfied with the way they looked or acted as female?

Not sure I understand the context. There have been one or two high profile cases over here who reverted back, usually to a male role, a couple or more brought down one of the leading psychiatrists dealing with gender problems, but I think generally they were seen as people who made a large personal error.

There is always the risk of the 'weak' individual who gets caught up in the excitement and impetus from others and follows along only to realise too late they made a mistake, and I suspect some of those who regret transitioning are mostly in that group. However, I'm also aware that needs change as we change with age or illness or any other circumstance and that we might change with those needs, that change perhaps reflecting our physical being including gender or sex.

I'm also aware that some people don't understand the meaning of the word, permanent, as it applies to removing bits of body, and that I find worrying.