It has been awhile since i last posted and i do apologize, alot has been happening in my life in the last while, that prevents me from doing much more then reading blogs.

I have been babysitting alot, planning on moving out. I have been restling with alot of emotion, stress, depression, caretakers burden... and unforunitelly.... my failing health.

Due to my breathing problems brought on by my scoliosis's reactivation, i ave been put on alot of added medication, two different puffers and a few pills. the moment a cigerette is lit up my very throat closes up my lungs expand and i next to pass out!

I have been getting sick alot, since xmas itself i have had alot of hospital vistis due to being sick and my healing time has taken alot longer then average. from viral flues, to viral colds and sinis infections, pneumonia, and now hyperactivated anxiety....

I had a major panic attack this afternoon which i mistook for nothing more then a breakdown. I visit the walk in tomorrow to get medication which im scared about as its a mood elevating psychadelic. like hypnotherapists im very much against as i dont like anyone or thing meddling with my mind and emotions.

Hence where i get to the cause of the panic attack. It has been a long time coming, but the triggering is partly well majorily due to my past ostricism. My best friend had basically said im too much drama and that she didnt want to be around me anymore! which triggered my internalised feeling of feeling like i need to go at life alone like i used too.

I never learned the social constructs and rules, like most do when there young; unfortunitelly she like many dont understand i cant help being naive and makeing wrong mistakes when they are out of my expertise. asking for help and advise ticks many off cause they think i should know, which i dont, but whatever i know im dont deserve having people in my life.

I have had a taste of having to deal with alot of creeps latelly one of awhich a doctor, I have a sexual assault charge against going on. Gropping me (squeezing my breasts like feeling me up alllll over) and asking me inapropriate questions about my body that had nothing to do with what i was there for and wanting to know my birthname, which isnt even my legal name anymore.

A friend' had stolen a kiss and gropped my butt against my will and i kneed him in the jewels. followed by him pushing me off making me trip and hit a wall getting a bump on the back of my head and a sore back.

Another Friend who i see like a sister, miscarried my twin goddaughters, which has hit me hard as i was there through the entire pregnancy.

Twice at the doctors, i mentioned my transitioning, and they were confused thinking i was telling them i was ftm instead of mtf the looks on there faces were priceless though with a good feeling on my part.

I have gotten so comfortable with myself there are days i can wear my cami without bra straps because i have the confidance i can pull it off.

Grandma has a couple nurses now and i leave her alone with dad, as i go out everyday, but do still get stuck handling everyone elses problems and internalize it which gets my anxiety going like today.

I have plans to save and move out this summer, if all goes as planned, a two bedroom split three ways, not bad for my shopaholic state lol.

I have also been buying my own pads with full cashier knowledge there for me since november all on my own, and two days ago have been using midol to handle my pms symptoms, and it works great, course im using teen midol. LOL! its amazing as i think about the last 4 years how much i have come along, not just physically but in every aspect of my life, the hard work. It is almost like im a completelly different person now.

Anyways if I remember what else i forgot ill post again.

Luv u all

Erin Amelia Fletcher