Phobias are irrational. I know. That doesn't make them any less real, or even any easier to overcome.
Alone time. I know lots of folks that relish and look forward to their alone time. Some I know even plan their week around the four hours they get to spend entirely without other contact with people, or pets, or even the "amenities" of modern life (telephones, computers, etc).
That would probably do me in. I'm so exceedingly scared of being totally alone, that... well, let me tell you all about this week for me.
Tuesday night, I had plans with three friends. Due to back injury and car trouble, none of them could make it. My roommate and I watched a video (The Santa Clause 3), and she went to bed around 9:45pm. She's a schoolteacher, she leaves for work at about a quarter to 8am. Now, being the only one awake isn't the same as being alone. Being with pets actually, isn't the same as being alone. Wednesday morning, she loads her car, and leaves for school. I had a few errands to run that afternoon, so went to do so. While I was out (around 4pm) she text-messaged me goodbye, saying she'd probably be back Friday. I got home and the cats were gone too. Ah well. Wednesday night reschedule with three friends still a no-go (and, incidentally, called by younger sister to make certain that I knew I wasn't welcome for Thanksgiving Dinner at her house [6 hours away]). Plans for Thursday cancelled. Twice. Friday, roommate informs me via text that she'll be home Saturday. Plans for first real social activity in over 2 years on Saturday get cancelled by influenza outbreak at hostess' home. Roommate informs me that she'll be home Sunday night.
Now. My phobia, as you've likely figured out by now, is being alone. I've been alone pretty much since Tuesday night. I've had three panic attacks and twice I've found myself in my closet hugging my knees and crying. I'm so tense you could likely break boards across my back and I'd not notice. I've ground my teeth so much I have a killer toothache (and headache). I jump at every tiny noise.
I really don't know why I'm writing this other than to just get it out there.
Comments
You are not alone.
See my pm.
Angharad.
Angharad
You need not be alone
Edeyn,
Just fire up your computer my dear, and someone at BC will answer,
Joanne
Virtuality can be ...
... a wonderful thing, Edeyn. A few mouse clicks and you've got friends! You have an entire community here, waiting to reach out. Just because we're on the other end of the Internet, it doesn't mean we aren't also there with you. Remember, home is where the heart is, and our hearts are there beside you.
*hugs*
Randalynn
We're all here for you, hon.
I know that virtual friendship is different from actually having a live, warm body there, but you need to know that we ARE all here for you. There are many people here who would actually undertake a "road trip" to be there in person for you, if they knew where you were. Certainly, some of us have limiting factors that would preclude traveling to your location, but that doesn't mean none of us would.
Myself, I've gotten used to being alone most of the time. I prefer my own company to that of a non-understanding, non-compassionate society, but that's only me. Phobias are strange, but nonetheless real things, to the people who suffer from them. My housemate is phobic about elevators and small, closed spaces. My Goddaughter is phobic about spiders. I am phobic about dentists.
Hang in there Edeyn. You have friends here, and we love you. If you'd like, and you need someone to just talk to, PM me your phone number, and I'd be happy to call and talk to you as long as you want. I'd give you mine, but my regular phone is kaput. Dead Battery, with no funds to replace it right now, but I do have skype and can call you from my computer, without any cost to me or you.
Of course, you might not feel comfortable with giving out your phone number, and I can certainly understand that. I only offer in the hope that I might be able to help by being a voice in the lonliness.
Cheer up, Edeyn. You're loved and appreciated. My offer stands, with no strings attached.
Holiday huggles from,
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
That might help...
But all I have for a phone is a prepaid cell -- use for emergencies. I can't afford to have someone call any more than I can afford to call right now.
Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
Wasn't it Jim Henson who said, "Without faith, I am nothing," after all? Wait, no, that was God. Sorry, common mistake...
edeyn. check your private messages.
I PMed you just now. it's a good deal.
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
me some too!
I left one too. I'm afraid of crowds, the exact opposite fear.
Plenty of times I freaked out and ran from what most folks would
consider someplace totally ordinary & non-threatening. A store, whatever.
AWFUL symptoms, like you described. Paying too much for something at the 7-11
because I'm in & out of there quicker. Luckily I'm not the worst agoraphobe that ever was,
I sometimes go months without it flaring up, but when it hits it's like an atom bomb, and for
some reason this time of year is the worst. I'm always relieved when January rolls around...
Paradoxically, it took a lot of courage to post this blog (Can't let people see THAT part
of me, got to appear cool & together!). You know how to get in touch with me,
please do, when it gets bad or when it's going good...
~~~Hugs, Laika
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
If it helps I'm like that a bit too.
I get agoraphobia too. I don't like being around crowds of people especially when it is noisy. I don't like noisy environments either. Put the two together and I can't take it for long.
We had a good-bye party for my boss a couple of months back. It was at the local pub and I guess about 50 people showed up. After one hour I was ready to climb the walls. I couldn't take it any longer and left. I stood outside for a few minutes breathing in the smoggy air trying to calm down. My nerves were still a bit shot the next day.
So I hope it makes you feel any better posting, knowing there is someone else out there a bit like you.
Arwen
Tell it sister !
As any T person knows, we tend to get shunned a lot, either by our families or by old friends. One person told me that it is because we are so damed self focused. I make a great effort to focus on others so, hopefully, that is not a problem. Still, it is extremely easy for me to wind up alone.
I attend church on Sunday, and Bible study wednesday night. I have therapy on Tuesdays. And if I do not try very hard, to get out with someone, I wind up alone. Who knows, maybe I will get to see my Daughter this week, if she shows.
The IRS is very pissed off at me for not paying 2006's taxes. I don't have any money to do so. I agreed to pay $65 a month on it and they agreed, but yesterday I got a letter almost doubling it. I'm gonna see them Monday. Who knows, maybe they will just throw me in prison until it is paid. I'd have lots of company there.
I don't want to be alone, but if the crowd gets too thick then I am afraid of that.
I think we are all in there pitchin for ya.
Many Blessings
Gwen Brown
Your younger sister's phone call was plain cruel
To call you up to remind you that you were NOT welcome for Thanksgiving dinner? What kind of a bitch is she?
Does she send out "Get Sick" cards or cards that say, "Have rotten Christmas?" No wonder you are stressed and feeling lousy. I would have shown up if I was told not to come, just to tell her precious family what I thought of her *kind* anti-invitation. Mind you having a big friend along with you would have been a smart move. People who act like she does are the same people who *gave* the legitimacy to Raychel's rapists.
Hang in there, girl. Things will get better and maybe your sister's kids will disown her when they grow up, as she clearly has not.
Sorry to get so down on your sister but that phone call sounds sick to me, unless it was to warn you because some of the really nasty memebers of your extended family would be there. But I didn't get that impresion and why invite the creeps in the first place unless you side with them?
Oh, you don't have seasonal depression do you? We are in the two shortest months of the year and if you live in the north this is also the cloudy season. I have a coworker who has problems with it and bright lights and medication help but she does strugle with it.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
*hugging you tight*
I really wish I could actually be there to hug you and letcha know I'm there for ya. I know how hard it can be dealing with phobias. I've got a couple of my own. Just hang in there, 'kay?
*giving you warm, snuggly huggs*
Heather Rose Brown :)
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx