There seems to be some "controversy" and concern regarding "Fade to Black," especially the concern for the author. In reality we who are transgendered are more prone to violence, including that which is self inflicted. If you're even thinking about ending it all please make a pledge that you won't. I thank G-d every time I remember those who have made that pledge to me. The violence against us is bad enough without adding to it.
shalimar
Note: I was with Holly Hart when we spoke to the author. She is less than ten miles away from us and told us it was a very old story.
Comments
I'm glad she's okay
she's a keeper
Dorothycolleen
Good point
It is a very effective pledge when made under the right circumstances.
Just Say No....To suicide
She did scare many of us.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
<sigh>
The problem is the pledge doesn't stop the pain.
I have family, in the form of my brothers kids, whom I raised. They are what is keeping me here, nothing else. If they died tomorrow I wouldn't have any reason to continue, but I don't want to inflict that pain on them.
I was happy once, but as I get older my siblings and parents have gone it has gotten increasingly harder. I am now the old man (damnit!).
For what it is worth this is my safe zone, one of the few places I can be who I am. It is where I talk honestly, though I can't be too personal because of personal obligations. My world would not accept who I am.
So I am stuck between. It is funny, on gender tests I tend to rate as androgynous. To the people on the outside I am a man. I will say I resemble Bob Arnold in many ways, both in appearance and hobbies. But I've missed the boat, like a lot of folks here, and now I endure day to day. There are good parts, but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about dying.
If I'm lucky my time will run out naturally before my kids pass on.
Sadly true...
...a pledge usually only works when the person is accountable to another. What happens too frequently, especially with 'folks like us,' is that the very people we might normally turn to for support are more a part of the 'problem' than the solution. When rejection or tacit disapproval meet a cry for help, the results are often disastrous.
Add to the lack of external support, the inner self who has no objective way of measuring success; feeling wrong all the time, alone and scared without any support can make things much worse. My sister failed three times in taking her life. I was so close to killing myself in college that it would have taken only an unkind word at the wrong time.
Even now, it has been a struggle the past few years avoiding even thinking about it. Sometimes the pain is so great that I cry hard enough to break blood vessels in my face. And I'm one of the fortunate ones with a strong support system here and a loving wife and son. What is it like for a 14 year old boy who's teased everyday for his odd looks, or the 16 year old whose mother and father don't accept 'her,' or the boy on the inside who can't get her family to understand that she's a 'he?' As you said, the pain doesn't go away with a pledge. Virtual hugs are great, but face to face nods and understanding tears work so much better.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
I know the feeling
The concern for my daughters has been a very big motivator and anchor against very real (and almost audible) instructions for getting rid of the pain I have been (and to a certain extent still am) going through at the hands of my ex-wife. I know that I have a responsability towards my daughters -- moral, legal and spiritual -- to guide and help them towards being responsible and productive citizens in our society. And I also know that their mothers is teaching them how to lie, steal and deceive.
I constantly remind myself that suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem.
All this does not lessen the pain I feel. And I am sure it is the same for you and many others here in this community also.
Having someone to whom you are accountable can be a big help. It might be a close friend or it might be a therapist. However it is important to share the pain with somebody who is willing to hear you out. Maybe you will need to find this person outside of your community/town/city, though distance makes it more difficult to have regular chats, not to mention the logistics and economics of traveling involved.
Jessica