Let me start by saying, I'm sorry I worried everyone. I really and truly mean that. I'm going through a lot of crap right now in the real world, but I promise it's been worth it, even if I'm more uncertain now about myself than I've ever been.

I can't promise that any of this will make any sense at all to anyone else; it sure as hell doesn't make any sense in my head right now. It's been a lot of jumbled, raw emotions.

I'd rather not get into the 'why' exactly as to how all this started, but I had a medical situation that caused a great deal of stress. This triggered, for lack of a better word, a downward spiral that I'm still recovering from.

The bottom line though, is that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I've known about it for years, but I never realized just how bad it is. I also didn't know that severe stress can trigger an episode. That's pretty much what happened to me two months ago. Severe stress from the medical issue plus other things culminated in a perfect maelstrom of WTFery, and it started to feel like fate itself was screwing with me, and I just kind of withdrew for awhile.

It was supposed to just be a momentary retreat, a chance to gather my thoughts and try to deal with everything, but it's turned into two months of intense self-examination because there are a lot of hard questions that I need to answer about myself and my gender status, and how it relates to my OCD.

It still feels like I have a long road ahead. I don't feel confident calling myself female anymore. I still don't feel comfortable calling myself 'male' either - at least far from 'typical male' at any rate. :-)

But I knew I couldn't keep putting off this message, letting everyone know, in my own words, that I'm okay and what exactly is going on.

I really appreciate Piper passing a message along for me though. I'm just sorry I didn't have the personal strength to do it myself. Like I said, there's a lot going on emotionally right now, and I'm only just beginning to make sense of any of it. I know I'll be a stronger, better person for it when I come out on the other side.

I just want everyone to know though, that I'm okay. I'm in no danger physically or emotionally. I just need time.

For what it's worth, Piper did pass along your comments and messages to me, and it moves me to tears every single time I think about it.

I never set out to be anything but just another face in the crowd on this site. I never expected I'd come to have such support, such an outpouring of respect and love that you've shown me, and in truth that's probably the only thing giving me the strength to post this now, instead of putting it off any longer.

I don't know when I'll get back to writing again. I can tell you that whatever happens, I won't stop writing Robin or Sarah's stories. They just may take awhile to get finished. :-)

Love,
"Zoe"