I haven't written anything for a while, I've been dead busy with a new job, transitioning and having a great life. As the title of this blog suggests, I should have known it was all too good to be as perfect and wonderful as it seemed.

A little over a week ago, Hubby went to his new cardiologist and had an echocardiogram. As it turns out, its a good thing that he flatly refused to take the stress test the doctor wanted him to take, it would have killed him. 14 years after his heart attack, they have finally discovered that he has apparently had a hole in his heart the whole way along, has had since birth. As much as he has been in and out of hospitals, I'm frankly astounded(And more than a little pissed off) that this was never discovered before.

Anyhow, it has been getting worse(larger). The doctor told him he was amazed he was still alive(They keep saying that about both of us...:). So all that means that he has to have surgery ASAP. They are gonna try some sort of patch job first(I'll find out more later, don't know specifics yet) but if that doesn't work, its full on open heart surgery and he has about a 50/50 shot. I don't have a bad feeling about it, so I don't think its time for him to take the dirt nap.

Now the real truth is that I can tell myself all these comforting things all I want to and it doesn't make a damn. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm absolutely terrified. I'm determined not to let him know that though. I've had a couple of major crying jags, but I was able to hide in the bathroom and keep it(mostly)quiet. I have to be strong for him now, it might help his chances. We've been here before, his heart attack in '97 was the hardest thing I've ever been through. My Valentine's gift and birthday gift rolled into one that year was a live husband. All I want is that same gift again.

Anyway, I'm going into this thing with the attitude that its good we found this thing and it can be fixed. I'd rather have a chance than wake up with a dead husband some morning. All the positive outlook in the world doesn't change the odds though. If the worst happens, I expect I'm gonna need some serious help, I just can't picture being able to function at all. Its likely I'll wind up living with my sister until I'm functional again.

I'm lucky that she is supportive of me and has made it very clear that she wants me to present as myself. Even if the worst happens, I will not be alone by a long shot. Its just that I can't imagine living without him. I don't want to.

I'll leave this alone for now, but I wanted to say something. I'm not asking for sympathy or even support, just letting folks know what's going on with me.

Thanks for reading.

Abigail Brower