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I've Been Thinking Again...
I had a nice, hot shower earlier tonight. I’m trying out a new deep conditioner that takes five minutes to set, in addition to my usual washing routine, so I had a lot of time to stand there in the steam and let my mind wander.
I thought about the story I just published, about the main character Trent/Trina, and the difference between he and Robin, and I realized something startling. In a way, Trina and Robin are perfect reflections of what I’ve been struggling with.
There are times when I feel like Robin, where I just KNOW without question, I’m female and I’m cheerful, a nice person to be around, I don’t argue with my folks and all is right with the world. And then there are times when I start to slide, where I start to feel like Trina. I feel like I’m being delusional, just lying to myself, that I could never transition, that it’s silly to even think I should try. I could never be accepted, etc.
This usually comes alongside a bout with depression, too. I’m not a nice person to be around, I can’t stop snapping at people for no reason.
Right now, I’m very firmly in the ‘Robin’ region. I dread the inevitable backslide, and I think that’s why I always say things like ‘RLT is going to be my defining factor.’ I feel like experiencing the real life test, being able to immerse myself and not hear those masculine labels anymore, that I’ll finally come to terms with who I am.
I know it’s not a magic pill, but it’s damn close. I spent a week this summer with some very wonderful, very supportive friends. I didn’t change the way I dressed or acted. The only thing different was that they saw me as, and spoke to me as though I were female, even when they thought I wasn’t listening :-)
Overhearing ‘She said’ from the next room never lost its charm. I still get butterflies thinking about it. By the end of that week, I had more questions than I had answers, but it stopped being about whether I want to transition, but about when I can make the RLT work for me without ruining my life in the process.
Anyway, I just wanted to share what I think has been a minor breakthrough for me, before I go track down another corn dog. I know they’re not healthy, but I start a new diet on Monday anyway :-P
Comments
Shower Time is Me Time, or I've Been Thinking Again
Zoe, I think that this is a major breakthrough for you.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Unhealthy corn dogs?
Why is it predators always go after the sick or injured? Just once, the should try for the heralthy ones :P
Personal plug here: I love my morningstar foods! Chix patties are great and their corn dogs are pretty good too, if pricier
So let's compare:
Morningstar farms corn dogs
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 corn dog (71.0 g)
Amount Per Serving
Calories 150 Calories from Fat 36
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 4.0g 6%
Saturated Fat 0.5g 2%
Polyunsaturated Fat 2.5g
Monounsaturated Fat 1.0g
Sodium 500mg 21%
Total Carbohydrates 22.0g 7%
Dietary Fiber 3.0g 12%
Sugars 4.0g
Protein 7.0g
State fair classic corn dogs
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 piece (76.0 g)
Amount Per Serving
Calories 210 Calories from Fat 90
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 10.0g 15%
Saturated Fat 3.0g 15%
Cholesterol 15mg 5%
Sodium 670mg 28%
Total Carbohydrates 25.0g 8%
Dietary Fiber 2.0g 8%
Sugars 6.0g
Protein 6.0g
So, it is 210 cal (90 from fat) versus 150 cal (36 from fat). Er, back later, going to fix something to eat, this has made me somewhat hungry...
Hugs
Diana
Gahhh! Forgot something
Zoe,
Yes, this a dilemma that has plagued many T people, thus the purge cycles. it takes a great psych person to differentiate between TV and TS. There is a problem here though, while the TS can be somewhat accepted, the TV is invariably not. Why? I wish I knew, since they are both facets of the TG gem. Conflicting messages: Be yourself! or Be a man! Well, society, which is it?
Each person has their own path and their own destiny and no one else should push you there. Guide you? Perhaps a little, but probably the best way is through sharing their own experiences and let you decide, and to use more than one person's experiences. Hey, you get second opinions from doctors, right? Why base a major life decision on one person's experiences?
The blue pill will make you forget all about your feminine side and live like a man. The red pill will give you a female body and life, but will kill you within a month. Which do you choose? (still trying to figure out how to incorporate that into a story)
Hugs
Diana
I'd take the red pill ;-)
Without a second thought. I'd rather "live" a month and truly live than to survive to be a hundred and remain miserable.
That's the big dilemna, I think. If there was a red pill, or a magic elixir, or even a definitive, guaranteed medical procedure, I'd take it without a second thought.
It's the uncertanties that scare the hell outta me :-)
That's also what's kind of frustrating. One of the psychs I talked to basically said that her role was only to evaluate if I was mentally competant to make the decision to transition. Not whether or not I'm really TS or whether she could help me cope with the stress. She sounded like she just wanted to do an evaluation and write the letter, which is, ironically, not what I'm looking for in a therapist. I want to go into it without doubt that it's the right decision, not 'whether I'm mentally competant to make that decision'. Maybe I'm asking too much?
The jury's still out on the other one, as I haven't gotten to a point where I can reliably visit her even once a month.
And I actually never looked at the nutrition facts. Even eating a couple of those things (they're very filling for me usually), that's amazingly low cal. And here I thought I'd be giving up all my sinful pleasures (Well, okay, if you eat ten then it's as unhealthy as anything else, but like I said, one's pretty filling. Two lasts me quite awhile)
Questions for which there is no "right" answer
Zoe,
Taking the issues one at a time:
Well, to tell the truth, it is different for everybody. Do I still have doubts about my transitioning? Definitely! But I look back and realize that if I were to die today, I would be happy with my life. I try to be kind to others (thanks to Erin's philosophy!) and try to realize why others are hateful or angry towards me. I have realized that a lot of it is due to the fact I had the courage to face my demons (and survive) and they might be jealous of my strength. Conceited? No, I have just reconciled myself with their paradigms and try to live within them. It is because they are afraid to grow and to learn that they are the way they are. Also, not knowing their history, I cannot gainsay their beliefs and choices in life.
As I said above, there will always be doubt. It is how we handle that doubt (and fear) that shows our true strength. When we face our doubts and fears and overcome them, we build on that strength and develop courage to withstand the storms of life. Ang said it best a few chapters ago with Cathy's story to Mima and Livvie about storms. It may sound cliche, but it is our ability to turn the bad to our advantage and make it good that builds our strengths.
Are you asking too much? No, the therapist needs to be more than some lofty gatekeeper, but someone to help guide you when you lose your way or lose sight of your goals, too. Someone who can remind you of what you came to them for and to help you understand the mountain in your way and help you get the right equipment (mindset) to overcome the mountain.
Just be careful, and if you think she is leading you down the wrong path, ask questions. You are like a child on the journey to adolescence; don't be afraid to ask "Why?" It is how we learn the difference in everything. Don't touch the stove, we were told. "Why?" You might get burned, like when you were out camping with Daddy and me last summer. "Oh" (stove = fire = burned).
We all learn in life, but to too may people, they stop learning after school. It is the difference between "What" and "What if."
Sorry to be so long winded (I think this was longer than my last story), but I hope this has helped.
Hugs
Diana
*giggle* Are you kidding?
Just ask Jonelle. I am the Queen of rambling. Sweetness is a talent. Rambling is a lifestyle ^_^
Teasing aside, this actually does help a lot. I've had to do a lot of hard thinking this week. I've talked with newer friends, comparing their experiences and thoughts with those I've talked with before about this sort of thing.
It's the little things that start to add up to one big picture. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a man. I don't think I ever have. I even had the audacity, for a very short period of time, to try and get away with thinking of myself as "male lesbian" :-P That just offended the one or two people I jokingly mentioned it to (No one here though. This was years ago)
I'm terrified of falling. I absolutely go into survival cling-to-the-nearest-human-being mode if I'm too high, and I can barely stand on a ladder/walk down a flight of stairs without a death grip on the railing.
The fears I've been dealing with for well on ten years now, of transition, of what that entails, including the discrimination (both job and social) is an order of magnitude worse than my fear of falling. :-)
Knowing others have been successful helps a lot, but I still wish there were more people like us where I live, that I could turn to for support.