You know what? i've come to the realization that this really is a caring and wonderful place !
I've been reading some of these stories for years and never posted a thing but with what I've been going though recently with my mother and family this place makes more and more sense to me.
**some history**
I bought a house in 1992, a double- old and rundown i struggled to fix it and my life together for a few years and wasn't having much success with the life part of it. My mother and father who had never owned a house- because he didn't make that much as a bus driver - she wanted to move into the lower of my double. so that she could have a HOUSE that would not depend on some landlord for things (my father died in the company parking lot in the spring of '88) I agreed that I could use a rock to stand on and she moved in. my five brothers and sisters were not to keen on the idea, but mom poo-pooed their reasons and moved in anyway.
well now that she has Dementia and is losing the memories of them they want her committed - which she always told me would be the death of her and she wanted to be able to die in her own bed. I've been struggling the last few months with her and my siblings and the lack of computing contracts that come my way, but I've made things as comfortable for her as I can.
And I've gotten more encouragement here on BCTS than I have from my own brothers and sisters!
this has really torn me up and forced me to evaluate some of the priorities in my life.
I want to thank you all for putting up with me and offering solace to a hopeless male who could never do anything as 'radical' as think that I may be another person inside.
THANK YOU ALL for allowing me a place to feel like me !
Danielle_O
Comments
sorry for rambling on
I apologize for rambling like that - it's just been one of those months.
I really needed to vent and this seemed to be a good place to do so.
Danielle_O
"Life is pain, anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something."
Danielle_O
"Life is pain, Princess ~ anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something."
Danielle you occupy the high moral ground here.
You have cared for your mother all these years. That is something that is selfless, and sacrificial.
I was not close with my parents at all, cheered when my stepfather died. I do not think I cried more than 10 minutes when both my dad and mum died, and now I have lived to regret it; wishing that we were closer together.
The world needs more like you.
Much peace
Khadijah
Hey kid,
go for it. It is not as good as a shoulder to cry on, but even typing it in to get it out helps. I had to move into an old double years ago to care for my rents. I watched my mother go into a coma in her bed before I carried her to a hospital to watch her die a few hours later. I watched my father live crippled up with no speech capability after a stroke of 9.9 on a scale of 10 according to the docs. He hung on for many years until an fection set in that caused him to lose one of his legs. Of course, it was the leg he used to get around with. He wound up in a home after the hospital and died just a couple of weeks later. So its no fun at all. And my three brothers seldom, if ever showed up. If you can, make some of the family come over and help so you can get away at least for a few hours. It helps.
Stick with Mom
RAMI
It may be hard, but try and keep mom home as long as it is possible. But also remember, that you need to be able to be strong enough to survive her and lead your own life after she goes to a better place.
As for you siblings, tell them they need to be committed. Yes, they need to be committed to her care and committed to help you care for her. I guess they have not stepped up to the plate to help before. Ask them if they intend to do so if she is sent to an institution.
My best wishes that all works out well
RAMI
RAMI
I Know What You Are Going Through
I know what you are going through. I took care of my grandparents the last 8 years of their lives. My grandfather had Alzheimers and it was really hard to deal with. We took care of him at home until about two weeks in the hospital, before he passed a week after coming home. He wanted to be home when he passed and he was in the end. My uncles were in denial of what was going on for a long time. One really didn't grasp exactly what we were dealing with until one day, he came in just as we had to step in to keep him from hurting my grandmother. I found that some of our relatives were making assumptions about what was going on with my grandmother until I had to set them straight on a few things. It was tough, but I did it because I loved her. They had no clue, because they didn't live with her every day. She was leaving the stove turned on and forgetting to take pans off the stove. She caught my microwave on fire because she put a potato in for too long. She fractured vertebrae in her back trying to lift a bag of birdseed while I was at work. I admire that you care enough to care for her as long as you can.
Hugs,
Jen
taking care of mom
I am looking after my mom now, although she is still capable of taking care of herself. I am glad you feel welcome here, so do I.
"Treat everyone you meet as though they had a sign on them that said "Fragile, under construction"
dorothycolleen
UPDATE
My Bothers and Sisters gathered at my house to talk about what to do about mom and how they should handle it.
The night started out well enough with my brothers and sisters shocked at how Mom had deteriorated in the last 4 months. They were apologetic at first about how I have been caring for Mom and the things that I go through on a daily basis. We had a discussion about what would be the best course of action and if getting a visiting nurse to come by and spend some time with mom and care for her during the day when I'm at work as well as some therapy that she receives now two days a week. It was all very civil and calm.
So I was encouraged, that however didn't last very long and I was subjected to some rather nasty comments and taunts about what my life style is like (believe me when I tell you I don't have anything to be ashamed of about the way I live or whom I choose to associate with, I have lead a clean and sober lifestyle. with no flaunting of what I do in the sanctuary of my home.) then after some shouting and heated discussion they felt "obligated" to tell my Mother that she shouldn't live with me any longer because God would damn me and anyone else who lived in this household. to say the least I was taken back at this blatant disregard for not only my feelings but that they would actually come to Town and do this in MY HOUSE!
I was really angry now and perhaps I went too far but I had to lash out. I tried to be calm and assertive in my own house but I cried and yelled and said some not very nice things. By then the volume had risen to a level that my mother in the next room had taken notice, she got up and come into the dining room and told everyone to SHUT UP. I asked her what SHE wanted to do and OMG she didn't hold anything back... that she never lacked for care while living with me and that she wanted to stay with me and stay in her 'home' until she died. ( I really have to thank some higher being for making her lucid at this moment and understanding what this all meant.)
She also told my brothers and sisters as well as their wives and husbands that if she could understand and still loved me for all my faults and foibles and they could not... then she didn't want to see them anymore anyway, and she thought that she had raised her children to be more understanding and tolerant than that!
I was flabbergasted that those words had come out of my mother's mouth (she really is a nice person who doesn't say bad things about anyone) She knew alot of things about me that she never let on and she still wanted to live with me and die here in her 'home'. She said that she didn't understand what the big deal was ...so I dressed at times and had odd friends, that didn't take away from the fact that I was there for her and none of them had even taken the time to call her. She also told me that I was a very loving person no matter how I dressed or acted. (and I thought that I had hidden it so well...I guess that you can't fool your own mother can you?)
Let me tell you I was so shocked when this happened that I couldn't think of anything to say,...at all.
So My brothers and sisters and others were so pissed and angry that I had poisoned her mind with my deviate habits, they left shouting and angry the whole time.
I meanwhile was still still sitting there with my mouth hanging open shocked at this turn of events. she came over and sat with me and we both cried for a long time.
Then this morning it started again calls and emails telling me what a bad person I was and how if they had their way, I would be thrown in jail for what I have done to their mother. I had no response to any of this vitriol, and decided to go and talk to an attorney friend to see what kind of trouble I actually was in.(she is going to check on some things and call me on Monday. I got home kind of late in the afternoon and just collapsed in bed to sleep for a little bit.
I just can't believe that they could be like that. MY Brothers and Sisters had treated me like something that you step on ...something to be cut out like cancer or just discarded because I was 'broken' in their words.
I just cannot put into words how bad I feel right now, like a whipped puppy who has lost everything. the one ray of sunshine is that my Mom stood up to them and defended me! and she loves me, so I guess that not everything is as bad as I thought it was.
I just don't know what to do for the next two days because they are still in town, whether they stay to torment me and make my already miserable life worse or if they are going to go home before they launch some new attack. I just don't know. And everything about me is now out in the open and that scares me.
Danielle_O
"Life is pain, anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something."
Danielle_O
"Life is pain, Princess ~ anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something."
Cripes!
What an eventful evening! I don't know what the law on such matters is where you live, but over here (UK) I think that if they made a complaint, social services would probably investigate... and based on what your description of what happened between you, your mum, and your siblings I'd imagine they'd drop the case pretty darn quick, dismissing the complaints as groundless. Both you and your mum are compos mentis, and they'd see at a glance she was well cared for - so with no grounds for concern, that wouldn't leave a lot of legal avenues open... unless they had significantly more money than sense - and even then they probably wouldn't get anywhere... and if they hassled the police enough would stand an outside chance of getting slapped on the wrist for "wasting police time".
As I said, that reflects my sketchy understanding of UK processes - I'd imagine they probably wouldn't be a million miles different where you are. Still, consulting with a legal professional to see if they have more than a hopes chance in hell of splitting you is probably a wise move.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
I feel for you
And I feel for your mother is well. It must be very painful for her, to see that everyone is fighting because they don't want to accept you. I just can't understand from where they could have picked up their preconceptions and prejudices - it couldn't possibly have been her.
Please, hug your Mom for me and for yourself.
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Stick to your guns
You, and your mother, are in the right, no matter what the family and laws where you live might say.
Just make sure your attorney is sympathetic, and it should go your way.
I'll pray for you, dear;
my little signoff quote fits here better than many places, i believe.
Holly
It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have.
David Weber – In Fury Born
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Holly