Why is it that I can say the words in my head, over and over again. I know exactly what I'm feeling inside.
And then when it comes time to just say it, I completely choke to the point of racing behind a proverbial ten foot thick wall? It's almost like those feelings completely disappear for the brief few moments that that window of opportunity is there.
Tonight I had another heart to heart talk with my Mom. We were really almost bonding, sitting on her bed with the dog between us. We talked about the stress in her life, we talked about why I hate being stuck in this town, in this living situation.
We got on the subject of my hair, and I very, very nearly answered her truthfully when she asked what the deal is with my hair, why I refuse to cut it. She started talking about how she liked it when it was shoulder-length, "like Fabio".
I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth, and the Fabio crack, though she meant well, so did not help. I choked, I told her she wouldn't understand, and I walked away.
Every time we've gotten on this subject in the past, she's managed to guilt me into believing I'm wrong. Maybe that's it. I don't know. When I sit here alone in the dark, I know I'm right. I ache to find peace, but when I try to tell her, I just simply can't do it.
Comments
You're dealing with significant identity issues
...with very little support in face-to-face relationships. Almost every discussion to this point has been met with disapproval. Why would you feel strong enough to face rejection again, when the best you can hope for is indifference? But face it you must. That you told her she wouldn't understand is perhaps more than you would ever have said before, so there is hope, yes? We here ache with you, dear heart; our thoughts and prayers are with you. You're a hero to me and I thank you that you give me hope as well.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Yes, that's true. (Updated)
Honestly part of me wrestles with whether or not to ever talk to her about it. I question why it matters so much even, but it does matter. Unlike my dad, my Mom and I used to be really, really close until I hit my teen years, and we started arguing about my TG issues.
It's something that drove a wedge between us where, ironically, we were almost like a mother-daughter thing when I was a kid. I know that hurts her, but she's never wanted to try and meet me halfway either.
I don't know if it's because she's worried about what that means, but if it is, she doesn't realize the kind of emotional pain I put myself through to hide it, either. *sigh*
I just don't know anymore.
Edit:
The more I think about it, the more I realize she's afraid to let go, and I can understand that. Even before taking my being TS into account, she made the side-remark when I said I wanted to move to a bigger city that "Well then you have to worry about gettin' mugged"
She's content to live in this little community, and that's fine, for her. I'm not. I want something bigger. I've never lived anywhere but Bumfuzz Arkansas, population 4,000, plus 20,000 cattle. I don't know how to live anywhere else, but I *want* to, and she can't understand that.
I need ... I don't even know what I need. I need to find someone who's not only willing, but able to help me because she's got her own problems, and can't help me with mine. :-/
Well I took some small initiative
... and used the Lauras-playground.com therapist list to contact someone. She works in Little Rock, but she at least lists an interest in GLBT patients, which is a lot more than I've been able to find until now.
All I can do now is hold my breath and hope.
~Zoe
Big Initiative
I think that decision to find a sympathetic therapist is a big initiative and can go a long way to helping you express what you are feeling and make you happier in yourself. It was after my first session with my psych that I came out to my parents. That being said, be sure to pick when you do tell your mother carefully.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
!
Good! I hope she's good for you. And remember that if you don't 'click' with her, there are other therapists in the world that may help you.
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue
Strength
It has been a stressful time around the old homestead. I came out to my mother years ago - long before my father died. She said something then which she has often repeated since. "You are the child of my womb. How could I turn my back on you. I carried you under my heart for 9 months. I loved you then, and I would love you always.
On the other hand all of my family now knows I'm in transition. Some of them are quite angry with me over it (it's actually my youngest son)
Of all the people I could ever feel likely to accept you it is your mother. Of course only you can make that decision. Remind her first she carried you under her hear first though.... :)
Beth
Some of her arguments in the
Some of her arguments in the past have largely been based on ... misconceptions about us, who and "what" we are, and in the past I've resented her for it, but I'm beginning to understand now why she feels the way she does.
I think the one she used the last time we argued about it was the most telling, when she said "I gave birth to you, and I know what it says on your birth certificate."
I'm trying really hard to cut her some slack because I haven't been the most willing-to-compromise person in the world in the past, and in retrospect, I'm just as guilty as she is about stubborness. I'd like to hope that, if things work out with this therapist, that she might be able to help us work on that too.
My mom's family has serious problems. Her grandparents and their family basically completely cut her and her brothers and sisters out of their lives because of who her mother married, and now I hardly ever even see said brothers or sister (the other sister is in a mental institute - LONG story).
I don't want to end up doing that to her. I think you're right though. I do need to remind her, when I do tell her, that I'm still her child. My mind keeps returning to Heather Rose Brown's "Shoes" sequel stories. As it progresses, the main character (and my apologies to Ms. Brown, but I suddenly can't for the life of me remember his name >_>) realizes that he hasn't lost a little brother; he's just realizing that he always had a little sister.
I dunno. The rest of my family is so disfunctional that I can live without their approval. I used to consider myself the white sheep of the family :-) But my mom is important to me. Much as we clash, much as I've talked about how much she upsets me, at the end of the day, I love her. She's always done what she thinks is best for me, even if she's wrong, and I absolutely am incapable of faulting her for that.
I think that's why I want her to accept me, to accept that this is what I want.
Anyway, thank you both for your encouragement. It means so much to me, and I hope that in time, if I ever come to a point in my life where I can look back on this and smile, knowing the worst is over, that I can pay it forward too.
Love,
~Zoe
Shoes...
Unfortunately, the one time I risked trying to explain any of this to my parents, I tried to use Heather's Shoes metaphor, only to be angrily rebuffed with, "Why would I ever do something so unnatural?" and threats of being thrown out on the streets.
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
I never really...
I never really had any luck with the "shoes" metaphor for most folks.
On the other hand, the handedness analogy (left, right, ambidextrous) has been VERY effective, specially with left handed individuals and even more so, with people that have been forced to use the "wrong" hand at some point in their life. (Folks with casts on their very dominant arm get frustrated VERY QUICKLY trying to write with their off hand.)
And - I've found that most folks at least know someone that's VERY left handed or right handed - in that their other hand's mostly decorative, or does little things. And some folks are closer to being ambidextrous - in that they can use their less dominant hand to greater degrees until you get to the point where a small number can use either hand for either job.
CAN people learn to "work" using the non-dominant hand? Not all, or not very well, in some cases. Others, it's easy.
And, most folks understand that handedness has nothing to do with male/female.
When I then have explained that a transsexual is very strongly one gender - even if their plumbing is different - many are able to "get" it. (No. Not all. But then, how long ago was it where EVERYONE in school was FORCED to learn to write RIGHT handed?)
Anne
It's Hard
I'm trying really hard to cut her some slack because I haven't been the most willing-to-compromise person in the world in the past, and in retrospect, I'm just as guilty as she is about stubborness. I'd like to hope that, if things work out with this therapist, that she might be able to help us work on that too.
My mom's family has serious problems. Her grandparents and their family basically completely cut her and her brothers and sisters out of their lives because of who her mother married, and now I hardly ever even see said brothers or sister (the other sister is in a mental institute - LONG story).
Listen to yourself. You're a product, somewhat, of the environment you grew up in - that's the nurture part. You are what you were born with , a female, -- that's the nature part.
Nature and nurture aren't mutually exclusive.
As a parent I made the decision early on never to strike my children. I was raised under Cotton Mather Rules -- spare the rod - spoil the child. At times I asked myself if I didn't love my children enough to give them the discipline they needed -- through corporal punishment. These internal discussions were at two and three in the morning.
Your mother wants you to be wonderful. There are a whole lot of people that think wonderful comes with a very limited set of guidelines. You need to love her for wanting you to be wonderful, even though her set of guidelines might be horribly flawed. Parenting is very much about the effort, because by the time you see the results it's long past any ability to change what you did.
You're inflexible because of the chemicals in your body and your parents' teachings. Inflexibility is a wonderful trait if you control it so that it is positive determination.
Your mother will do whatever she has to -- to raise you correctly. That is admirable, until she makes it a negative by stepping on your needs. Twice I told two different children that their behavior had become so odious that I no longer wanted them in my house. That was tough, but it worked, Thank God. They both agreed to modification and we moved on together. Perhaps your disclosure should be along the lines of "Mom. We need to find a way to be comfortable with each other. Tell me what it is about me you would like me to change so that we can continue to love one another without so much in the way of hard feelings." Starting from there might lead you to a discussion of why you want long hair, etc. Decide after your discussion what you're willing to change, not before. Listen to her needs. She has a duty to "guilt" you, don't dislike her for that. Make sensible compromise.
In the back of your mind you need to put yourself in her position to ultimately allow her to put herself in your position. Relationships are built on love, which has its strict rules. Her "love" for you demands that she help you become the kind of person who will succeed. That probably means, to her, that you need to conform to society's norms. She's obviously wrong in some ways, but she is coming from a good spot in her heart.
You're wrong to blame your location. Bigotry is just as rampant in big cities as it is in rural areas. There are millions of people in the world who would think they've died and gone to heaven if they had the advantages you have. I understand rural because I grew up on a farm in Dakota, but I've also lived in the big city, (Chicago and Minneapolis). Do you realize how many people in the world think Minneapolis is a small town and how many think it's huge. That's all about attitude. First you need to get YOUR attitude in order. Deal with what is possible and let the impossible to change stuff rest.
They're are lots of "come out, come out, whoever you are" people on this site. Only you can decide who you are. Always be yourself, but don't let the people of Big Closet tell you who that is any more than the people of your hometown.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
"they" say flying is alot like falling...
except for the sudden stop at the bottom.
We all fear the bottom that we KNOW is coming! Few of us can throw ourselves at the ground and miss.
When I told my first person (the 2nd time first time I was 7) as an adult... it felt like I had ripped open my rib cage and exposed all my ugly bits.
I literally ached for hours after. But having done it I never regretted standing up to that fear and
inspite of the psychological 10' wall.
I'm sure most of use would prefer to raise a set of semaphore flags and spell it out from within our fox holes. However somethings must be done in no man's land.
You have to prepare yourself for the worst, allow for the best and just fucking jump already!!!
Nobody.
ps. perhaps you'll miss!
Jump
Remember what I said before?Jump, pick your time and landing, don't be pushed!
You have to decide
No doubt I'm a fool for posting this, but here goes. Almost 20 years ago I was semi outed to my family. I made a decision not to back away, so on Christmas day as ever I went home, for dinner and pressies and general get togethers. I got the pressie, still had it 'till a year or so ago when I gave it away to a charity. I spoke to my mother that morning, she wouldn't look at me and I left soon after. Didn't get lunch or the get together. Haven't had one since. False starts and missed chances but I'm still here and I'm me. Don't have a family anymore, few friends... but I'm me.
Is your world different? Maybe, but you have to look at it and you have to live it. Jump..easy to say maybe, but not simple. Look at your world and look deep into yourself and see where things lay. Then jump if you must. Just don't expect the big mushy cushion on landing. It might not be fully inflated. Or maybe they left the pump in the van.
Kristina
Looke at your strength
Your strength might not be into talking to persons directly, but you are a very good writer. Why not try to write what you want to tell your mother, and have her read it while you're with her.
Then by seeing how it's work do a letter for your father for him to read.
tmf
I am no expert on this but it seems to me IMHO ...
your mom's greatest fear is being left alone. You strongly implied this in mentioning the *cold shoulder* her family has given yours due to who she married.
It could blow up in your face or it could work out well ... tell her of your feelings and your TG but first and afterwards tell her, show her that you love and respect her and will not abandon her unless SHE tells you to go. She needs to know it is not her fault, it is no one's fault, It is biology and chance that has made you what you are, for good bad and in-between. Let her know biologic sex and sexuality are not necessarily the same ... um maybe not THAT ... at least at first. Talking sexuality with parents is sooooo embarrassing. -- grin --
I suspect she fears your TG is you deliberately turning your back on her. She needs assurance this is not so and that you love her and that your needs are yours and not some reflection on any failings by her. If anything point out it is her courage, her tolerance, her decency that gives you the strength to come *out* to her. Also assure her you will be discreet and try not to put her at risk from the anti LGBT types, if that is a fear of hers. Only you know what her worries likely are. If you two can talk things out perhaps the truth will set you both free.
You said you do have a possible LGBT therapist. If you trust them, see what they suggest.
In the end you must do what is best for you. I wish you well. This is not an easy path you must follow. I hope your mom chooses to walk it with you.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Some will never "Get It".
I am alientated from three grown children, and a wife of 40 years. This year would have been 46.
They don't get it. I am the villan. "I" left them in spite of the fact that they threw me out. Such is radical Christian shunning. It hurts more than I can express. I was thrown out on Dec 23, 2004.
A few years ago, I had to decide if my morality was stronger than theirs, and had to come to a decision about suicide. I can't do it because it would harm them and others in the circle of friends outside my family. For the first couple years after I was thrown out, I was extremely suicidal, and lately I realize that it was not because they loved me, but because I was so dependent upon them.
I wish that someone from the family would accept me and begin to understand. There has been no sign of that. I have given up.
I wish that I could be less blunt, but the truth of the matter is that if you fully disclose, you could likely be shunned, and it may never go away. It is a selfish thing that we do, but for some of us, it is do it or die. Timidly, I am beginning to believe that being myself, is more important than their acceptance.
I also strongly support what John says.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
I guess at the end of the
I guess at the end of the day, it's just something I need to do when I'm ready, and no sooner. I like how someone in a PM put it, that acceptance became "nice to have" for her.
I had a moment last night where I wished I was anyone else, that I didn't have to hurt anymore, and I realized that was probably the closest to thinking about suicide that I've been. That's a scary thought, realizing you'd rather be someone else, or simply no longer exist in order to not have to face things any longer.
I finally think I understand what my friend was going through, and I think I can finally forgive her and let her go, so at least there's some positive to have come from this experience.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed and holding my breath, waiting for an e-mail right now. That's all I can do.
As an aside I like the left-handed right-handed analogy. I'm left-handed, and my teachers actually did try to force me to use my right hand. My mom freaked out and told them to stop it immediately :-) I'll have to use that eventually.
Handedness
I used that analogy extensively in one of my stories, and it works for me. The way I described Laura's handedness is how I am myself, a mix of left, right and ambidextrous. It helps me to explaint to others how wide a range of people there are in the world, and if I can start THAT ball rolling, the rest is easier.
You have a lot of good advice here, but more importantly a lot of support, and most importantly the clear message that you are neither unique nor alone.
I've Got to Hand It to You
You're very close with the handedness analogy. The Latin word for left-handed is sinestra. Many people over the years thought being left-handed indicated a sinister character flaw. It's very strange where we draw our lines.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
You're So Handy
with those great quirky titles. :-D You make a great point too. I was just thinking about that this morning since I have an uncle who, if I recall right, is actually further on the left-handedness spectrum than I am.
To further this most interesting and brilliantly appropriate analogy I sort of became semi-ambidextrous as a necessity for music (because playing a trumpet left-handed was awkward and uncomfortable as heck). I had to learn to adapt and overcome being a 'lefty', but only in that specific situation. I still write left-handed, and am completely incapable of writing with my right hand despite trying to learn in the past.
I'm starting to love this example. A lot of analogies tend to start to break down when you really poke at them, but this one just gets stronger :-D
Off hand....
And there is the orignal analogy, the question "when did you know you were a girl? When did you know you were right/left handed"
That is why I have difficulty with stories where people "decide" to be female, or are forced to be so. While there is a spectrum of gender, the orthodox and the southpaws amongst us sit squarely in a place that we have never chosen. Brain function for lefties is different; at college I was always barred from earning money on sleep research because of my handedness. Brain functions for those of us who are 'trans' are similarly different.
Explaining the elephant in the room is always difficult. A good analogy is priceless. You go on and be yourself; but do it in a way that suits you, and nobody else. I remember spoons for kids designed to force them into the Right path, I remember lessons where kids had to be rght, I still see lecture theatre chairs where you can only take notes as a righty. Sod the lot of them. But do it on your terms, and when you feel it is safe and right.
And then there is the exception that *proves the rule*
My mom was ambidextrous but was born right-handed. She was something of a tomboy as a kid. She was the youngest of three kids, she was ten and five years younger than her sisters so maybe that explains it?
In any case she fell off a tricycle and broke her arm/wrist just as she was learning to draw and write. Thus she had no choice but to use her left-hand and that skill carried over into her adult life.
As to your dilemma, only you know when it is the right time to *talk* to your mom. Perhaps it will be a pleasant surprise. Maybe it will be awkward but ultimately good for both of you. Or she could react like our Muslim ladies' family and break all contact with you.
What matters most is your health and welfare, then that of you mom's and so on down the line. If you are unhappy with your life what good is it to pretend for others? Clearly having any relationships involve some compromise on each side but you cannot be what you are not.
Do play it safe, IE prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Are there family, friends you trust in case things *go south*? Do you have an emergency nest egg or a solid job to support yourself on if needed? Are there emergency social services or charitable agencies that you can fall back on?
And remember where there is life there is hope. An old platitude I admit but one with much truth in it. So none of this suicide crap, got Missy? I'm not so old I can't take you over my knee and give you a good spanking!
-- grin --
Do seek out the advice of your therapist if you trust them, on what are good and bad ways to go about telling you mom. This is an important step for you, weigh the thoughts of friends, the advice of professionals but in the end it is up to you. I wish you and your mom well. I'm crossing my fingers.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Casting the net wide :-)
Casting the net wide in some general ramblings here :-)
For me "coming out" has always been a chicken or the egg situation. Do I come out and find myself in a better mental state, or do I hold it in and work on a better physical state first? The trouble is, I could never choose, and fell into a terrible place no human being should ever let themselves get into.
That's no excuse by any means, but a statement of fact that I was wrong not to choose one or the other. I suffered for choosing not to choose.
I think I've always known that, on a binary spectrum of yes|no male|female black|white, I am most assertively female. I just didn't want to admit it, which caused me even more problems because things started to get tangled. Once things get tangled, it's like any knotted mess. The harder I pulled, the worse it got.
I believed the lies I told myself. The irony is my Mom once accused me of living in a fantasy world, and she was absolutely right. The problem? The fantasy was that I convinced myself I was male :-P The only time I was ever truly happy from about 14 was when I was spending time with friends with whom crap like gender, or disability, didn't matter at all, otherwise I pretty much stayed depressed, and I could never understand why.
Compounding the issue, lying to myself meant lying to others, so I could never properly articulate what I was feeling, to try and explain it on the rare occasion I did talk to someone. I talked to some transwomen who, like Saless, always knew. All I could ever say in response was "I always wondered."
I never had a total "Why am I being treated like a boy when I'm a girl?" moment, but I've had countless years of "Why can't I be a girl?" moments. I don't know if that's the same thing, if being raised in an environment where I was either constantly encouraged to do 'boy' things or passive-aggressively discouraged not to do girly things matters.
I remember feeling intensely guilty about wanting to do those girly things with my female cousin and her friends, and I can remember on several occasions my mother actively barring us spending any time together because she believed said cousin was a bad influence on me. The irony of that was said cousin thought she had to act like a boy to be my friend, which I didn't realize until years later. We were an odd pair :-P
Anyway, I'm sure I had a point to this muddled somewhere in that massive mess. Is it possible for conditioning to go so deep that one can deny themselves completely? I don't know. I think that's the case. Or I could just be completely crazy. I'm not a behavioral specialist by any means.
Andrea's encouragement after writing the sidequal to "One Heart to Another" leaves me thinking about becoming a therapist though, if I ever get my own head straight. :-)
The short version: I think I've always known. I've naturally never been rough-and-tumble even without taking my vision problems into account. I cried at the drop of a hat, and would rather have been inside playing Barbie with my cousin or the neighborhood girls than wrestling or whatever.
Similarly, writing, and doing things left-handed just felt more natural. I'm semi-ambidextrous now out of musical necessity, and can use either hand for menial tasks as it's required, but for intricate tasks, I invariably gravitate to the left.
(And sometimes I wonder if I'd be a better guitarist after ten years, if my teacher had bothered to teach me to play left-handed instead of right :-P)
This I understand
I don;t knowwhat to say Zoe other than you feel like you will be rejected by your mom & entire family. I know all to whell when "things I did" My mom would ssk me right straight to the point "Do you want to be a woman?!" then this follows that statement "If so the you can just get out of this house because I don't have to put up with it & I won't god didn't make you Like that! God made you a man & by god statr acting acting like it!" So I know what your going through you are scared I know I am because I hve no money in order to move out & no job so I kind of understand what your going through hun. PM me here if you want to talk. I don't know how much I can be of help to ypu but maybe just someone who knows what your going through will help.
I love you Zoe I'm sorry thing are so hard for you right now hun One day things have to turn around for you/us One day but unforchantly not today :(.
Love Samantha Renee Heart
Love Samantha Renee Heart
Would the "Handed" analogy work on the sexuality spectrum?
Just a quick thought. Would the "handedness" analogy work in terms of the spectrum of human sexuality as well? As the saying goes, we can't help who we're attracted to :-)
A wonderful little scene popped into my head while I was in the shower after going for another walk (More pictures! About to see how they look in full-screen after I post this :-D). I won't spoil the scene because, if you guys think this analogy works here too, I feel it could really be a turning point for both Robin and Nikki, kind of an "Ah hah" moment.
It makes sense to me, but then, I happen to have the double-whammy, so my view is somewhat tinted ;-)
Some years ago...
A gay male writer named Syela Shradeshm did a SF story based on handedness as gender. Only same gender (handedness) relationships were legal so when a righty and a lefty fell in love, they had to conceal their relationship. This was posted on an early version of BigCloset but was later removed along with Syela's other story about the gender of robots.
Sorry I don't have the text of either story available, they were brilliant.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
That is beautiful! It's a
That is beautiful! It's a shame they're not still around, but I'll try and do them justice in the scene I have in mind. ^_^ It's going to be, in the context of the story at least, a very emotionally moving moment. :-D