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I wonder how many other t-girls go through this much self-doubt, or if it ever truly stops?
Okay, bear with me here because I have a lot going through my mind right now, and I need to try and make sense of it the best way I know how - by writing. I don't know how much of this I'll be able to get into text, or how little, and if you get lost along the way, just raise your hand and an usher will be along shortly.
Playful cynicism aside, I'm in a really weird spot mentally right now. I've come so far in such a short time. As some may know, I reached a 'final straw' moment with my Dad yesterday. Cut the hair or move out. I think he expected me to take his option. He doesn't understand what my hair means to me, and for years, because of his heart condition (Four heart attacks, two strokes. Five heart attacks if you count the one he had in the middle of open heart surgery the last time) I've held off on trying to explain it to him.
Like I said, this is complicated.
It gets better. When I was 17, my childhood friend, whom I modeled Crystal in Becoming Robin after, commited suicide. No note, no cry for help, she just put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. I was so unbelievably raw for so long after that. I SWORE I would never do that to those I loved. The sad part is, I did it anyway. I committed social suicide by withdrawing from the world because of my depression, and my body consciousness.
But I swore I would never kill myself. Sometimes, I wonder if that's all that's kept me from it all these years. I've said before that I'm not suicidal, and I'm not. I just get contemplative about the what if's sometimes.
I think I want to transition. I prayed to God every single night, wished on every star I could find, that I would magically wake up one morning and be a girl, and then everything would be okay. It's what I dream of, and it's all I want. I don't have a spouse or children to hold me back, but at the same time, I see the suffering of my sisters, forced to endure far, far more pain than I have. I catch myself questioning, that because I don't share the same depth of self-hatred that they do, or did, you know?
For me, a lot of my problems DO stem from my vision problems. In High School it constantly felt like people were only nice to me because they thought I might break and shatter if they weren't. I had problems with bullies, but then I also had white knights, and black knights, who would rush to my defense, some of them genuinely because I was nice to them, and I didn't judge them. Of course, at this point the whole "Might be a girl" thing wasn't so much of an issue because at most, I thought I was just a crossdresser. I liked girls, therefore it couldn't possibly be anything "more" than that.
Granted, that mentality came from years of heated screaming matches with my mother over it. "Boys don't wear dresses." *sigh* What if I'm not a boy?
This is all just so damn complicated. Am I a woman? I sure as all hell am not a man. I WANT to be a woman. Does that make me a woman? I don't want to have the bottom surgery (yet). Does that make me less of a woman?
I just ... I don't know.
All I know is I'm hurting, and raw, and really confused right now. I've reached out to three friends here at TopShelf in private, in addition to writing this. I've borne my naked soul to them there, and now here, with this blog.
I'm writing this publically as I reach out to them privately because I want to share my struggle. If just one person can say "Hey, she's going through the same thing I am." and they seek help instead of suffering as I have, then my pain'll be worth it.
Signing off for now. Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow.
~A very lost and confused Zoe
Comments
There is no schedule
nor is there a particular stop on the gender express ( or local :) )
There are people in my support group who waited until their 70s to transition as they waited for their family to grow up and their spouses to die. Sad, in a way, but that is their choice. If you do not feel compelled to do the bottom, join all the F->Ms who have not had the bottom done.
Your perspective can change in time. Just have a firm understanding with yourself as to what kinda goals you absolutely have no doubt for and then set yourself up to possibly go further if you want to. You are putting the horse before the cart at this point as you have yet to even reach the point where such a decision wrt bottom surgery is even necessary. That too is part of sound decision making. You are trying to plan out the entire thing when you really should be planning it in stages and being prepared to stop when it goes beyond what you feel is what you want but at the same time reserving the right AND GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION to move forward if desired or to stop for all time.
Kim
Going to try and get some sleep, but
I just wanted to say first, that you raise a really good point, and one I kind of had to slap myself when I read it.
I am getting way, way ahead of myself. I need to take this one step at a time, and remind myself that this isn't a marathon.
*hugs* Thanks Kim. I so needed that :-)
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Step by step
It's interesting. I have found that I progress through life, and take one step after the other, that the view from each one looks different. I find that I am contemplating situations now that I would not have dreamed of a few years ago. I am not the same person who started this whole process many years ago.
Truly, we must learn to walk before we can run, and each step taken reveals yet more interesting things emerging from the cocoon.
Penny
(Sorry about the mangled metaphor.)
Local resources?
When I was starting out dealing with my gender problem the Internet was helpful, because I was too frightened to talk face-to-face about what I was feeling with anyone. But the nice folks online helped me find a therapist, and I started individual and group sessions. Talking to my therapist and to others in the group helped immensely.
A good first step might be to look for local resources. Is there a center for LGBT people anywhere near you? If so, they could help you find people to talk to, to help you figure out where you want to go.
I read about people back in the 60’s and 70’s doing everything on their own. I’m in awe of them, and I’m very glad I had people to help me. I highly recommend finding people nearby to help, if you can. Personal contact really helps.
Reality
You are who you are, and you are the only person that knows what that is. Do not feel that life consists of pigeon-holes into which people are sorted, nor that you need to fit into a particular role or slot. Just remember a few things: talk to people, take advice, accept support, but never, ever start out and do something irrevocable until you have examined it from all angles and had time to be sure it is right for you, AND YOU ALONE.
Jump, after due reflection and picking your landing. Don't be pushed.
And oh, the dreams and prayers and "please, in the morning, can't I just be...."
Time IS on your side
I so wish that had been able to consider the things you do when I was your age. I look back and see the way I felt then, and wish that something like BCTS had been around then. Now it almost seems silly to even think about making the transition.
Don't do what I did, Zoe. Carefully consider your options. Take your time, and be comfortable with what you choose, just remember, it's what YOU choose. Other people, even siblings, will live their lives, their way. You have to be comfortable and honest with yourself.
I wish only the best for you, whatever or however you choose. Reading the comments here shows me that a lot of people care. Put me in that column, too!
Wren
Doubt
My opinion such as it is, Doubt is absolutely the worse part of this gender thang. In the beginning it makes you doubt your parents and other care givers who all tell you this is the way things have to be, but you somehow know it's not. Then there's the entire who or what am I question. Am I a boy or a girl? Why do I like feminine things? And it goes on and on. Except for those here who are Intersexed, most gurls here have to a greater or lesser degree feminized male brains. Like it or not while some will be comfortable with transitioning all the way, some will not. Science is a long way from even really studying this, but I suspect there's a lot of 'favors' of that which differ in the details of exactly what triggered this in the fetal stage of development.
We are kinda at the mercy of our culture which insists we have to be all one way or another. However, I know that I for one am in the middle, not one or the other. I have no hatred for my genitals, but can't stand my physical appearance. I've always known something wasn't right, but have no clue how to really fix it. I still don't, but hopefully I'm moving in a more positive direction.
I've been following your blog and it's brought tears to me. I too wear my hair long despite my receding hair line and that damn bald spot. It and the few other feminine things I wear ease an invisible unexplainable pain/hurt. I can't point to it or touch it, but somehow being/letting myself be feminine if only in little ways helps. As we all know, few pleasures are as great as pain relieved.
My poor advice, is to go as far as you feel you need to. Kimmie is right. There is no timetable or list set in stone that you have to follow. Do what your heart tells you, but take your time at each step to see if this is really what you want before moving on. I've read about other cultures having a third or more gender for those like us who are stuck in the middle. It's too bad ours are Yes/No, Male/Female, 00/01, and whatever other narrow mindset you can name.
As for the hair, I tell people here in the part of the South I'm in who has seemed to have gone back to the universal short haircuts for guys of the 50's, that I have so little left I want to enjoy it before it's all gone.
Be well, be happy
Hugs!
Grover
As Cyclist said
it is pretty much reality based. That being said, I will add my own advice to the mix.
Of course, these may be the ramblings of a deluded sap on vicodin, but, hey, it has worked for me :P
Final word of advice? Be yourself. You are the only person you have to look out for.
Hugs and peace,
Diana
Hello? Is anyone out there???
I wont say i went through the same issues because i think we all share things in common and we have 'things' nobody else has.
I do however have moments where the question "wtf am i doing?" comes rushing up at me.
I think everyone has them... Some have way more than me. Mine usually come when i blow money on something that isnt related to SRS or electrolysis or... Well there are lots of triggers.
They all come down to the question "am i happier now?". The answer is always "YES!"
I then dismiss the doubts and get back to wishing for stuff i can never have...
Nobody
I guess it's just easier to do nothing
It seems like it's just easier to do nothing, to stay hidden and give in to fear, to let doubt take control and keep me in my little cage.
I think... I want to transition. The thought occured to me last night before posting this, that if I were living on campus at the U of A, or even off-campus at a little apartment, that I could transition while in school.
I talked to someone about it because I wasn't sure if it might be something I should consider or not, and she agreed that I should do it if that's what I wanted.
It is what I want, but at the same time, the realization that I was seriously considering this hit me so hard that I very nearly purged. Instead, I went into extreme writer mode. I put everything out, in PMs and in this blog, trying to make sense of my doubts, my fears. It's the same argument I've made in the past when I came close to thinking about transition. It's probably the same argument I'll have with myself the next time if I don't take this step.
That's one reason I want to transition. I want to find peace, and I want to know if living, either part or full time, will bring me that peace, that not having this cloud constantly hanging over me.
To paraphrase Heather Rose Brown, my Shoes are on the wrong feet.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone that's poured out their support. If I lived in a less backwards area of the world I wonder if things might be different. I've never lived on my own so I have that on top of everything. It's exciting, enticing, and frightening at once.
~Zoe
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My situation was a bit
My situation was a bit different than yours. I always knew I was a girl, but once I realized my body wasn't female, and everyone else thought I was male, I suppressed that knowledge. I slowly built up walls around my true self and put on a mask to try and be what everyone thought I was. But that little girl didn't want to stay in! She kept climbing over the wall and, when I built bigger, stronger walls, started tearing them down.
In time she was tearing them down as fast as I could build them. I existed in a weird in-between state where, if I thought about it at all, I knew exactly what I was. But I still refused to think about it and concentrated on that damn wall. Eventually I did something really stupid that messed me up for a while. After that I stopped denying who I am to myself, but thought there was nothing I could do about it.
A few years later I finally did some research and found out how wrong I was. At that point there was no decision to make regarding whether I would transition; only how. But that experience taught me something very important: Don't deny who you are!
It sounds like you know who you are and are simply afraid of the consequences. Perfectly understandable, that, I was terrified! But I had to go forward, so I psyched myself up to be ready to lose everything, and everyone. Thankfully, I lost nothing, but I felt I needed to be prepared so it didn't break me if it happened.
If you believe this cycle will continue without at least giving this a try, then that's probably a good idea. You don't have to go any farther than you're comfortable with. If that ends up being just a bit of cross dressing on occasion, or all the way, or somewhere in between is up to you. Do whatever feels right for you, regardless of what other people say.
That's probably enough (or too much!) rambling from me, so I'll just say good luck and keep your chin up! :)
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
Don't deny who you are!
That is probably the most important thing I can take away from this because that's precisely what I've done my whole life. I've lived in denial of what I want, found excuses, contradicted myself; in short, I built up walls. Zoe owns a big fracking wrecking ball though. She didn't just tear them down, she blew them to smitherines. Sometimes she doesn't even wait for me to finish before she starts it up and gets-to-smashing.
I'm just tired of fighting it. I want to be at peace, and I let myself fall into the trap of believing it has to be all or nothing. I did that once before, when I didn't have friends to back me, to tell me I'm being silly. That was in 2003, when I purged completely.
I cut my hair, I threw away nearly everything I owned. All I have left are a couple of very out of date dresses and a few pairs of shoes to this day. I never really tried to rebuild what I'd thrown away because it just seemed like there was no point. Now though, there is a definite point, and I can't deny it anymore.
I can't just 'survive' anymore. I need to live. :-)
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i am a lot like you
I struggle with doubts in terms of what I am, who I am, and where I need to go. Part of me wishes desperately I did something about this when I was in my 20's, but then I wouldn't have my daughter now if I had. As others said, you should try and find local support if you can, and since you are not sure about how long you can live at home, you need to at least look into what other options you might have, including calling any local agencies that might be helpful. As for surgery, there certainly isn't any rush, nor should there be. Good luck, and as the number of comments here show, you have a lot of cheerleaders pulling for you. If you need anything or just need to vent, don't hesitate to PM me.
Starting to realize
For what it's worth, I'm starting to realize what you've all been telling me. Time really is on my side here. Even if I were to transition while in college, I still need to finish my Associate's degree (I need two credits to complete it), and then I can move on to my Bachelor's.
So after I finish my Associate's, that's still a good two to two and a half years, give or take. That's a lot of time to get myself to a better place, both emotionally and physically.
That's also a lot of time to do more writing, maybe try and get myself published.
I know what I want now, though. I know my goal is, eventually, full transition. This morning, when I woke up, I had this horrible ache. My chest felt tight, but it wasn't my heart. Not physically anyway. I moped around the house all morning trying to shake this horrible feeling, this intense burning wrong feeling.
Finally out of desperation I decided to, to borrow a phrase from Ms. Linda Piontak and her mother, "wear my heels". I took some simple steps to remind myself of my femininity, and I instantly, immediately felt better.
I didn't feel sexually aroused, and I didn't feel aesthetically more attractive.
I simply felt right.
The next time I sink into this flurry of insanity, I'm going to go back through my blog posts, and I'm going to read this. I'm going to read all the comments and support you've all given me, and I'm going to read this, my own comment, and I'm going to remind myself that I am female.
Sometimes I feel like a scared little girl, sometimes a woman, but I am who I am, and I need to stop forcing myself to forget that.
I love you all,
~Zoe
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Zoe, Good Luck
You are a great writer. You must be very smart in some way or other. You are young and presumably not supermasculine looking yet. My advise is to get on T blockers and preserve your body as it is now. This will give you more time to figure things out. Depending on how sure you are that you are at least fem to some extent, you could also go on low dose estrogen. With a low enough dose, you could probably hide the effects for a year. You could also stop whenever you get worried that your body is changing too much.
You do have plenty of time, but you probably do not wish to get more guy looking. Appearing more fem will help you so much in your life if you decide to transition. Not passing sucks incredibly. The younger you are, the more hormones will transform your body. Being passable could be a matter of life or death.
There is a drawback to going on estrogen. I really don't know if this occurs with T blockers or not. Being on estrogen will warp your mind. You will feel much more like a womyn; you will want to feminize yourself much more than otherwise. You probably will feel the urge to go on the highest dose of estrogen your endo thinks is safe and get on Promethium(sp), human progesterone, too (don't take artificial progestins). I think the standards of care say you should be in therapy for three months before going on estrogen to be sure you know what you are doing. I think you can get on blockers more easily.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Tell me about it!
Zoe I'm right there with you only I want to be a woman I know I am a woman but I can't be the woman that I know I am. So I know what your going through I in a way have tried to kill my self simply throuth blunt force trauma to the fromtal loab of my brain by repeadly baning my head aginst the desk in my room. I did seek porfeshional help to little avale can't aford $122 per visit with my schrink who could care less about my gender issues his main concern is depreshion & my ADD I have to see some one else for my gender issues. Go figure. So Zoe don't think you are alone with your wish I do the same thing hun so I DO KNOW what you are going through.
Love Samantha Renee Heart
Love Samantha Renee Heart