There's an aspect to post-op life that not too many people talk about... depression.
It seems to be counter-intuitive. How could one possibly be depressed after reaching their highest (and usually) most difficult goal? Yet, it happens. Not to all, but to many.
I am still trying to figure it out. I knew beforehand that the possibility existed, but I thought that my foreknowledge would somehow stave off the demons. Silly me.
Another insidious part of this was that it really snuck up on me. I didn't realize that I was in trouble until I was pretty deep into it. It was almost three months in before I realized I needed help and another six weeks for the meds to really start working (though I am still not really sure on that point.) And all this time I was under professional care. (This is to point out that even when one is aware and taking precautionary steps, things can still go awry.)
In my case I think that there are two reasons. One is the sense of a lack of direction, where to go from here. Another is mourning the cost of the journey.
The direction is starting to become clear. It isn't anything that I though it would be from before, but it's a direction and the possibilities are pretty cool.
The acuity of the cost is a drag on this, though. I become haunted by fears that any new effort I make will be lost. Fear kills the appetite for moving forward.
I write this for three reasons. The obvious is that it is in its own way therapeutic. Whenever I talk or write about this, I seem to make more progress.
The most important reason is to raise awareness of this issue. It is a dark side of transitioning and SRS that few hear about, though most post-op brothers and sisters I have talked to are keenly aware of it.
The third is to encourage authors to explore this more. Yes, it is a dark and painful issue. But, it can bring reality to stories and help others better understand more of the challenges some of us face.
The only story I recall reading recently (and this is a while ago) that broached this (and only with a minor character) is "For a Girl" by O2bxx.
And I particularly like happy endings.
Thanks for reading...
We now rejoin Real Life(tm), which is already in progress...
Comments
Thank you
I've watched this sort of depression at close range and it can be devastating. Jeanne, my partner, struggled with it for years. It's real because it is life.
Best wishes and take care of your self.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
A special hug
...for you, Erin.
I have unfortunately seen this from both sides, now; from the side of being depressed and from the side of trying to support someone dear who is depressed.
It's really tough when you end up on both sides of the equation at the same time. There are really times that it is true that... "the world is too much with us..."
So thanks, Erin, from the depths of my soul. And my wishes that better times are ahead.
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil Blonde Proofreaders
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
Life, the Universe, and Everything
Janet,
I really want to give you something insightful and meaningful in the way of an answer. That, however, may be beyond me.
I don’t think that being aware that something might happen can really mitigate the effects. Even if you are well prepared by a good psychologist or psychiatrist, the depression is still quite likely to happen. Perhaps that’s part of the reason we don’t talk about it: we thought we were prepared, “It won’t happen to ME.†Well, it did. We are, after all, human. And who likes to admit, “I failed, it got the better of me.â€
I suspect many of us don’t talk about it for roughly the same reasons combat vets don’t like to talk about their experiences in battle to those who haven’t been there. If you don’t have the experience, how can you understand? What I went through can’t be easily put into words, and when I try, the words don’t mean anything. So why should I waste my time trying to describe something to somebody who won’t, can’t understand what I’m saying?
John has covered some of the other reasons why it happens, and I won’t bother to reword them. But we are, or should be a goal-oriented people. Never mind the worth of that goal, we seem to need something to strive for. Mine has always been to outlive the doctors who told me I wouldn’t. Petty, I suppose, but there it is. If you are lost or adrift right now, just decide to make another day, make it to the next JulieO story, something. Eventually, you’ll be amazed at the time that has passed.
I don’t particularly think that society is fine, but I’m not too sure about myself either. Be that as it may, I prefer my particular brand of irrationality. To paraphrase a favorite author of mine: You don’t have to be anything, be yourself. You are enough. Be the best you that you can be.
I won’t promise you warm, sunny days every day, I’d be blowing smoke up your skirt, and worse, you know it. But there are lots of people who never come as far as we have, so I guess we’ve got to take the bad days and weeks with the good. And along the way there are some happy endings.
Take care of yourself, I’ve still got more stories cooking, and I need you to taste them for me and tell me if I need to season them or not. And good luck with the play.
With love,
Karen J.
PS: I was right, it's not.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
It would have never dawned on me....
But it makes sense. On the other hand, it's all a growth experience. There is also that famous bromide: "what doesn't kill makes one stronger."
I'm not sure that is necessarily true. There are degrees of life and death. I know because I lived a life of mere survival for years before I decided it was time to live, whether it was worth it, nor not. Just be blatantly honest, I still don't feel it *is* worth it... for me. But I have people depending on me that are darned important to me. I go on for them. And there is still that microscopically sized hope left that some day, some how, I'll clean up this mess I call a life and I'll actually look forward to things.
Until then I'll find ways to fill the time and look for the little gems that other people have found and use to enrich their lives. Maybe I might even learn something!
Thanks for your viewpoint and I wish you the best.
DD Weldons
Post op depression
Tracey,
Congratulations on getting this far, you've done well. The depression does happen to many of us and whatever the reason - it can be variable - just remember, you will come through this.
Depression is a way of dealing with an emotional trauma, it lifts eventually, when you are ready. Keep talking and writing and importantly, keep exercising physically, that helps too.
Good luck, but keep believing you will come through and you will.
Angharad.
Angharad