For a while, I have been a reader of some of the stories and writers on this site. I have finally decided to begin writing, in blog form, my thoughts on the issues of TG, because I have a problem...
First, a bit about me: I have been struggling with M2F crossdressing for a while. I am not a transsexual, but simply a crossdresser. While I have an urge to dress in female clothes, I have no desire to become a woman. I am a male, and I love girls. However, the desire to dress as a female for a while has affected me for sometime now.
My use of some words may be confusing. "Affected", "Struggling", and "desire" are not generally used in the way I am using them in this blog post. You see, I want to be a "former" crossdresser. I don't want to be a crossdresser anymore, but the feelings and desires still linger. This probably sounds really strange, on a site like this. I have so many questions and feel so confused, I don't know what to do just yet. I hope that this blog gives me the ability to become myself, and to find out who I really am.
I am looking for discussion from people who have similar feelings, or completely different feelings. I am wanting to challenge ideas, and to see if I can change the views of everyone, LGBT and non. Don't think I hate on any general group, I don't. My best friends are straight, gay, or trans of some sort.
As I continue to write, I hope my blogging abilities, and the ability to express my feelings and thoughts to this world, will improve. I hope to bless people with my writing, and hope to reach out to everyone who is interested.
Thanks for your time reading this!
Comments
There's nothing wrong in seeking help
First, let me say that while I don't consider cross-gender expression in any way pathological nor requiring treatment, if the desire to do so is causing you distress, I would suggest you seek out the help of a therapist who is experienced in gender identity issues. The best therapists will not tell you what to do, but will help you discover what is right for you. Just be careful to find someone who has treated gender-distressed clients before, so they're not learning how to do it with you.
I don't really think this is something you can debate intellectually, either. Many decades of clinical experience make it clear that cross-gender feelings, for the most part, do not go away. Your only choice is in how you deal with them. However, I'm not a professional, and I think such statements will mean more coming from someone like that than from me. I have a lot of experience being me, but no experience being you. :-)
I spent 30 years wondering why I felt like I was supposed to be female, why I felt like it was incredibly wrong that I wasn't female. I thought there had to be a reason (I'm an engineer, and before that a scientist). I finally realized it was an emotional fact that wasn't a result of any conscious thought process on my part: I didn't get a choice about feeling that way.
I don't think it's at all unusual to struggle with these feelings; in fact, I think it's the rare person who doesn't. We all experience the conflict of our internal feelings with our desire to fit in with our friends, family, and society, and to fulfill their expectations of us. For those of us who are transgendered, that conflict can be very severe.
I can't say what the right thing is for you. I spent decades fighting my feelings, and after transitioning my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Like, at age seven or eight when I first thought about it. However, I know I'm not strong enough emotionally to have survived what I would have gone through had I transitioned in an earlier era than I did (ca. 1998), so I think things probably worked out about as well as they could have.
Finally, just as an aside (not a statement about you!), loving girls doesn't have anything to do with whether you're a man or a woman. I happen to like boys (which kind of surprised me), but many trans-women are lesbians or bi.
Best wishes and good luck to you. I'm sure there is a path you can find that will work for you.
A Different Approach
May I suggest rather than blogging, which can be done in any number of other places, you take advantage of the uniqueness of this web site and share your life, problems and tribulations through stories. It is a wonderfully creative means of working through some of your feelings and drawing upon the thoughts and opinions of others who do more than come to this site to read a good story. There are many good people here who do so much more when they comment or, in the case of those who help by editing or mentoring, guide new writers along.
Read some of the stories here, think about it and give it a whirl. You have nothing to lose by your loneliness.
Nancy
"You may be what you resolve to be."
T.J. Jackson
Nancy Is Correct
When writing a story the author is forced by tradition to put the characters in realistic situations and have them react in a way the readers will find logical. Because of that it's quite possible the author will experience self-dicovery along the way. For some that's cathartic, for others it is simply illuminating. Either way, the author (and possibly some readers) win.
Give it a whirl. Start with a first person account of a significant CD experience in your life. It's your choice whether or not you want to expand it beyond a factual account of what happened. Just think of it as you telling a group of people a story. If you would like technical help, send me a PM.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I understand, but...
Thank you all for your comments, and not killing me on my first go here. You are absolutely wonderful people, and I am glad that a new person like me can already attract people willing to talk and help me.
Let me restate and clarify a few things:
My comment about liking girls was simply to explain that I have no desire to be bi, or lesbian assuming I were to transition to female. Its just not for me.
I am writing here because I feel different from other Crossdressers, and felt that this was the safest place to write about it.
I also accept that everyone is different from me, and that, for example, Geekgirl's situation called for a different response than what I want to give to my situation. While I may want to question some things on this blog (I am definitely not above challenging norms in any demographic!), I am not out to say that anyone else's decision is incorrect. I am just exploring myself, and asking for comments and help.
Nancy: I chose this site specifically for blogging because of it's unique nature. Anywhere else and I felt like I would be judged on all sides. I have read many stories here already as well, I just only recently joined as a member. As for writing stories, to answer you and Angela, I unfortunately do not feel that I could write a realistic story explaining my feelings at this time. Commentary on myself, and critique of other stories over time is the only way that I feel I could accurately explain things at this time. If I were to write a story that explained my feelings, and how things have/should happen, I would fear I would gain the wrath of the mob due to my inability to write and to write realistic stories.
Blogging like this is currently the only way I know how to do this. It allows me to ask very specific questions, in question form instead of writing clever stories where my questions may be missed. It also allows me to express feelings without going in loops and round-about ways in stories.
I have not met or read about anyone that has felt like me... its a very odd way of living when you know that everyone you meet is on one extreme or another. In my case, though, I fear that I will not be loved by the group that accepts crossdressers, and will hate me for my desire to NOT crossdress, because I feel that its not me. Once I get in the swing of writing, I will explain that thought in more detail.
I hope I answered questions and responded to the important things in people's minds. Please respond if you feel I have missed something, I would hate to do that.
Exactly The Reason to Write
Dear girl, because your view on the issues you are dealing with are different is exactly the reason you should write. Gosh, if everyone wrote accroding to a prescribed script or established set of rules, this site would be soooo boring. As someone who takes great pride in being a heretic when it comes to conforming to the social norms of the TG community, I applaud anyone who has the chutzpah to join those of us here on the sometimes shaky limbs we crawl out onto every time we write stories that are different and unique.
I have no intention of doing anything more than encouraging you to try your hand at writing. As Angela has pointed out, there are many good and honest people here who will gladly help you along the way. The first step, however is one you must make. If it is taken as a blog entry, so be it. Just don't clip your own wings.
As the old commercial used to say, "Try it. You'll like it."
Nancy Cole
"You may be what you resolve to be."
T.J. Jackson
Thanks
Thank you for your support, Nancy. I will definitely consider that.
Just a comment: while Jess is not my real name (I dont use real names in my screen names for anything), it is a gender neutral name. I chose it specifically for that reason, as I am on the middle ground. If my gender is to be named, I prefer male at this time.
Jess
[email protected] I understand your reticence at writing stories. If blogging suits your needs, then by all means, blog away! I too, just joined the site recently. Their are some truly incredible people here. Their advice and support are something that i've been searching for for a very long time. I feel that I've finally found a home and a family. I'm sure that you'll be welcomed here, no matter what your specific issues might be.
Hugs,
Jonelle
[email protected]
I look forward to hearing more
from you. I have often considered my gender confusion a struggle, and so I think I will be able to relate.