I'm looking for feedback on my recently posted short story, No More Distance, No More Time.
As I write this blog post, the story has over 700 "reads", but only three comments. (Thank you Stanman, Janice, and Susan!)
Now of course I know that the number of reads and comments (and votes, when there used to be a vote button) do not necessarily reflect the quality of a story. I also understand that my story is not in what some have described as the "sweet spot" of BCTS. (That might be described as a young MtF protagonist, who passes well, and has many adventures on her way to successful transition.) I enjoy those stories too, but this most assuredly is not one of them!
I'm not looking for plaudits, or fishing for complements. I'm asking for honest constructive comments and critiques. For those of you who might want to take a few minutes, I'll pose a few questions here to kick off some discussion.
If you read just the opening few paragraphs or a bit more and didn't finish the story, why? Did the opening not grab your attention? Did it lead you to believe that the story would not be interesting to you, due to the subject or mood?
If you finished the story, did you like it or not? If not, why? Was it the mood, too dark, depressing, or (supply your own adjective here)? Was it poorly written?
Do you think that the Author's Note (by the Unnamed Author) added or detracted from the story? Do you believe that the Author's Note is a fictional device, or could it be a truthful description of how the story above it came to be written?
Do you think that one of the themes of the story was Magic (as stanman said in his comment)? Or do you think that what might be magic could also be the hallucinations of the Unnamed Author? Should "Magic" have been added to the themes in the header of the story?
Do I sound like an English Lit professor quizzing students on a reading assignment? I'll stop now, I promise!
Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Kris
Comments
There seems to be little correlation
between the number of reads, the number of comments and the theme of the story. Some themes are more popular than others; I generally like 'real life' stories but will sometimes be gripped by something that is SF, magic, fantasy or other. I tend am usually put off by school-age stories but, again, occasionally something in them attracts my attention.
Often the writing gives away the author's inexperience, although not in this case.
To me, it was an unusual plot, well written and edited and I enjoyed it immensely.
Don't just write what you think others would prefer to read; write as your muse leads you.
I, for one, am looking forward very much to more of your work.
Susie
Thank you so much for you kind words, Susie
Thank you so much for you kind words, Susie.
I will indeed go where my muse leads me. I've never been one for doing something just to be popular, writing or otherwise.
I'm always open to constructive comments that will help me improve as a writer. I'll still write what I feel like, only better, hopefully!
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
It worried me.
I read it not too long ago this morning, and felt that the Author was perhaps suicidal. I have been mulling over my own response to it since.
There are times when I fantasise about being struck by a wheel off a Jet Liner; the road caving in; being overtaken by a tidal wave at the beach. I have not decided if my own thoughts are rational enough to critique your story.
I read a lot of pain in that story, and I am so sorry.
Much Peace
Gwen
I'm sorry, Gwen
Dear Gwen,
I'm sorry that the story I posted worried you, though I have to be honest and say that I did consider putting some sort of warning on it, about "potentially disturbing content" or some such. I just never found the right words, and went ahead and posted.
I assure you that The Author (whoever that really is) has no thoughts of suicide. (Although some people consider running excessively long distances suicidal, I suppose!)
Pain is part of life; it's how we deal with it that distinguishes us.
Much Peace to you as well (and Mushy Peas to our English friends <grin>).
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
In answer
1. The story starts out like many others and perhaps that's what is the major problem for many readers. The standard story of a transgendered teen that hits none of many of the readers hot buttons will probably leave many feeling something is missing. No experiments with clothes and no descriptions that would support why she feels she's Kris, no interaction with anyone as a female (excepting the one instance) and only a hinted at resolution in the hereafter all will leave many readers wanting.
2. I doubt anyone who started to read it failed to finish. It wasn't long enough for the absence of the standard story lines to discourage the reader enough to stop. On the other hand the mood was more clinical than engaging. Chris/Kris was as removed from the reader as she was from society. There was little to draw us in to actually feel much about Kris as she showed little emotion in the story. And because of that . . .
2a. The story was neither depressing nor uplifting; more an obituary of a distant stranger that touched our heartstrings like a tentative player afraid to hit a wrong note.
3. Most author's notes (those purportedly writing someone else's story from discovered notes or journals) usually preface the story rather than follow it. It allows the reader to realize that they are being offered a glimpse, heretofore unseen, into someone's life and that the author felt that this glimpse was in some way important enough to relate to others.
Commentator
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Thank you very much, commentator
Thank you very much, commentator, for those cogent comments.
I tried to keep the story very short (it's only about 1800 words). In doing so I intentionally glossed over The Protagonist's years up to graduating High School and moving. In retrospect, that may have been a mistake. Perhaps I should have aimed for just a bit longer story and used the extra words to develop the character early, and give her some personality. (Maybe something lifted from a diary found in the box?)
I could also have said a bit more about "Chris" gleaned from careful interviews with people who met him in town. (Of course, that wouldn't work for Kris; no one got to know her.)
After posting, I did think about putting the Author's Note at the beginning. In fact, when I wrote my blog post, I intended to ask if it would have been better there. You read my mind!
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
The length isn't the problem
it's that the writing feels terse rather than emotive.
The single best graph in the story imparted more feeling in it's 60+ words than the rest of the story.
On her best runs, she was entirely in the place and moment. It was like there was no more distance, no more time, just here and now. The miles, if they existed, just melted away. The time, if there was such a thing, just slipped by like the wind against her skin. Just the lake, mountains, trails, and Kris.
and your own comment above gives a clue to what's needed:
Of course, that wouldn't work for Kris; no one got to know her.
Commentator
Visit my Caption Blog: Dawn's Girly Site
Visit my Amazon Page: D R Jehs
The bit at the end is a bit
The bit at the end is a bit of a dark turn, and may take some time to process.
I thought the author's note didn't add anything, and may have been a detraction. Others might like it.
On the plus side, the story did remind me, in mood, of Dave Wilcox's song "Eye of the Hurricane," which I quite like.
Thank you, Miranda
Thank you, Miranda.
I had thought to put the Author's Note at the beginning (and received a suggestion here as well). I think that would have worked better.
It was something of a dark turn, and yes, that "may take some time to process" by the reader is kind of what I was looking for. I picture a reader saying: "Wow, that was...", and being at a loss for words to complete the sentence.
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
Take this as you want. I am
Take this as you want. I am by no means an expert.
The story is told to us and not shown to us. You can tell the same ole story that everyone tells and it will still be successful if told in the right way. Take J.K. Rowling. All of the Harry Potter series is rehashing of several books, yet it's one of the greatest selling series of all time.
If I were telling this story I would have take the point of view of the runner as she was running a specific race. You could still do it third person or even first person. I would have had her going over those critical points in her life and comparing them to a point where she is running uphill or the great points, running downhill. There is symbolism there and you actually keep the reader's attention by having some action going on. Your structure seems good and I didn't see any spelling errors, but that's my worst failings so I'm not a good person to ask about that.
I hope this helped.
~Lili
Blog: http://lilithlangtree.tglibrary.com/
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/lilith_langtree
~Lili
Write the story that you most desperately want to read.
Thanks, Lili
Thanks, Lili.
Since Kris didn't enter any races after moving to Lake Tahoe (she didn't want to have to check the dreaded "M" or "F" check-boxes on an entry form), I could use your idea with her out on one of her long solo runs. She would have had to write something about it in a diary or narrative and leave it in the box where the Unidentified Author would find it, but that would work.
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}