I started this blog as a response to commentator's Blog, in response to a bit in Bobbie C's blog. Just as commentator felt her response belonged in its own blog, so did I. I was struck by commentator's comment that GCS isn't a 'cure-all'. This matches some of my thoughts as well. But, before I will talk about them, I think I need to provide some background so you can see where I'm coming from.

I was "this" close to full time transition in early '87 (and, things were MUCH harder back then), but circumstances conspired to make me decide (yes, I decided this. It wasn't FORCED on me) to not transition. My wife had been through a very stressful year (the final year of her PhD studies including writing and defending her dissertation), we lived about 200 miles apart, as we had for most of the first five and a half years of our marriage, with me stationed in one state, and she in graduate school in another.

The separation was not what we wanted, but it DID allow me to discover I wasn't crazy, and come to understand who I really was rather than hide it all. I was diagnosed as TS. I was then referred to a second therapist to confirm the diagnosis. And, I started meeting the medical committee that would handle my medical care after I transitioned. Back then, in Virginia - at least with that group, you had to go through two years of RLT before they would prescribe HRT... Then, it was a few years before they would consider GCS. It was a SLOW process I was looking forward to. But, I felt it was something I needed to do.

Another point, and one that hurt me but I accepted it. Back then, I'd have had to divorce my wife in order to start HRT. The rules they were working under considered marriage to be an indicator that one couldn't truly be TS after all... :-( So, with MUCH soul searching, I decided to tell the wife, who I loved dearly, what was up... I put it off until AFTER her defense, so as to not jeapordize her degree. My shrink also made sure I was aware that even if I did come out shortly after she finished (& I was out of the service) there was a more than even chance she'd not recall it six months later, unless I pushed REALLY HARD.

After she finished & I got out of the service - we were living together for the first time - full time - since the first summer after we were married. It was wonderful, but I was still torn. I did come out to her and she was very compassionate and understanding. But, a week later, she'd completely forgotten the event (or so it seemed). It wasn't the only thing that was forgotten, just the most important. This didn't impact regular living, just events that were stressful got "pushed" out of memory. As I was expecting this, I resolved to put things off a few months, and come out again.

To make a short story long, before I came out again, she was pregnant with our first child. As my transition would mean a divorce - no matter our preferences - I resolved to try to forget that I was a woman and be the best daddy I could be. I didn't get rid of any of Annette's clothing/wig. That just went into a box labeled "stuff" and was put with other boxes.

Our first daughter was born, and I was there to help (Not as common back in '88 as it is today), and it was wonderful! Okay, I may not have been a typical "daddy", but I loved being a parent (and, yes, I wish I could have born her even with all that was involved. And, yes, I volunteered - repeatedly, to carry "the next one". My wife refused to let me try. *sighs*). We moved a few times, until she got her first tenure-track teaching position... And, we decided to try to give our first daughter a sibling. Three misscarriages later, they finally tested and found my wife's problem, and provided a "fix". (She has a genetic clotting factor...) We did eventually get our second daughter, though my wife had to spend a month of bed-rest to make sure we didn't lose her too. So, now we have two wonderful daughters!

Over the years, I went through periodic bouts where I'd drag "Annette" out of her box, But, only when my wife was out of state at conferences or such. And then I'd shove her back in and out of my thoughts. (sorta). I "believed" that I was hiding all of this from everyone. About a decade ago, I did my biggest purge. I finally shredded my dream log - from my therapy back in the '80s. I shredded the photos of me as "Annette". I donated the clothing. I donated the Rx Glasses - yes, over the years, Annette had glasses too - she had to be able to see, didn't she? I added the wig to my daughter's "dress-up" stuff. I was going to "give up" my dreams. (It was HARD!!!) I also decided to put on some weight - develop that male "gut" so I couldn't manage to look like I woman even if I wanted to. (Yeah, this was stupid, too.)

Over the years, I gradually developed High Blood Pressure. It was only partially responsive to medication. Turns out there were two main factors involved - only one of them directly treated by medication (hyperthyroidism - treating that allowed reduction of my BP meds by half!). The rest was stress. I came to the conclusion I'd have to tell my wife that I was TS. It was (& is) painful to keep pretending to be a guy. I HATE all living of a lie. I worked to find a time when my wife's stress would be lower than normal (being a college professor has a wee bit of stress associated with it). I came out to one cousin first, and her total acceptance gave me the courage to come out to my wife a week later (Oct. '08). She didn't initially understand, but her love for me seemed unconditional.

The anti-thyroid meds did let me drop the BP meds, but they also changed my metabolism such that I put on 45 lbs in three months! Why I didn't notice, I don't know. Denial, probably. I managed to adjust my diet and increase my exercising THEN to stop the weight gain. Wish my docs had thought to warn me I might gain weight if my thyroid were slowed down. It's obvious in retrospect, but...

I'd also done a thing I shouldn't have I started "self medicating" HRT (go ahead, tell me how stupid I was). But, I was getting a LOT of blood work very regularly (I was under the care of an endocrinologist, hematologist, nephrologist & my GP - all ordering blood work) so I know my basic numbers were being watched, and okay. I also had done a LOT of research on HRT protocols and such. Yes, stupid. I know. To make matters worse, I hadn't told my wife I'd done this. I did finally tell her in early March of '09. I couldn't let things go on the way they were. I knew I needed to be correctly monitored and such. So, I told my wife, and I also told her I needed a Shrink... That got her attention. (The first did as well - and we'd had chats off and on, but nothing much was happening.)

I found a shrink (okay, a friend found a reference to a shrink) who turned out to be a psychiatrist (post op). She's been treating me since! (LUCKY me!) But, my wife also decided SHE needed to talk to someone. Initially she asked to see mine, but my doc felt it would be a conflict of interest. She didn't believe that my wife would want to stick with me, but she did provide a referral. My wife saw her shrink weekly for about three months, and worked through most of her issues (like, how can she love a woman, when not a lesbian in general, etc.)

Over the months after I came out, my wife and I had many discussions. She actually remembered my original coming out - vaguely. And, seems I'd not hidden who I was as well as I though. No, she never found anything, but the way I acted and such made much more sense. She also finally understood how I could have gone through phases where I was more open and phases where I was unemotional and remote.... (Yeah, it correlated with my swings from letting Annette out of her box - to my purge periods.) In any event, I do NOT have permission (from her) to ever try to box myself up again. And we'll work through whatever comes, if it means moving, so be it. Etc... (She's a Wonderful Woman, if I've not said before.)

I've since come out to her family (parents - brother & his family; niece's fiancee...) my parents and my brother. I was unconditionally accepted by my wife's family (and discovered that some of them knew far more about what it means to be transgendered than I'd any reason to expect. My mother-in-law interviewed one of Christine Jorgensen's surgeons - back in the '50s for her newspaper; my brother-in-law did a rotation with one of the surgeons that had worked in the Hopkins clinic.) My parents were accepting, though my mom suggested I 'keep it in the house' and such - but, considering where she lives that's not surprising. It will be HARD to visit them (rurual Mississippi) after I transition. My brother? I came out to him via mail - as we live over 1,000 miles away. He didn't respond to messages for two weeks after I came out, but he's responding again. And, he doesn't talk about it. I feared he might out me to the world by posting on my alter ego's Facebook page (yes, he's generally a bigot) but he didn't do that! (Yes, you can hear my big sigh of relief from wherever you are in the world.)

My older daughter (22 now) has been a BIG supporter, in some ways more than my wife. But then, she's not sleeping with me!!! Her boy friend also accepts me (for her maybe, but he's not even blinked seeing me in a blouse/skirt outfit). My younger daughter (13 now) is MOSTLY okay... Though a few months ago she had a cow (as it appears to have finally sunk in that her "daddy" might well be going out in public in a skirt... The necessary bra I've been wearing didn't seem to clue her in. But then, she's a teen.) and has been seeing a shrink since. She's dealing with it fine now. But, there's like to be issues again as the transition moves forward. *sighs* Unless she's amazingly lucky and it's a total non-event for her friends.

I've said before, and I'll say again, I'm blessed by a wonderful wife & family!

Where will things go? I'm transitioning. I've managed to take off 30 pounds in the past year, and have a long way to go, but I'm going there. (Anyone who's tried to lose weight knows how much fun this is.) I'm trying to lose it gradually, as that's supposed to be healthier, and more conducive to keeping it off. I get 5 pounds off, and then hold it a month or so, then an other five - or so it seems recently. I've been tempted to look for a "short cut". But have resisted, so far.

I had to go on site at a customer (after working from home for two months) in early March... Talk about hard. By the end of the week, I wanted to throw away my guy clothing. I was in tears. I'm better now, I don't like it (I feel like I'm lieing to everyone around me) but, I've reconciled myself to it. I think it was going back to looking male professional - after spending three months as an androgynous person that hit me. The sports bra isn't as comfortable for all day wear.

But, looking to the future... Will I transition? I believe so. And, I believe it will eventually be full time. Will I have surgery? That's a harder question to answer. If it makes it harder to remain married, I'll try to avoid it. Do I want it? Tomorrow, please? :-) But, it's expensive, and we have expenses to deal with (older daughter wants a 5th year for her bachelors degree, then Med School to follow. She's also likely to get married in the next few years... All of that's expensive too.) It also impacts the marriage. If I'm legally a female (changing BC following GCS...) can we remain married? The laws are mixed - and very dependent on which state you're in. It's also something that directly impacts my wife as well.

Going slow now (toward transition) HAS advantages. I can (and am) work on my voice. I can lose weight. I can re-learn how to apply makeup. I can get used to being me. And, I'll be able to work with the LGBT advocates at work to manage my transition there - once I'm ready for that step.

In the short term, I'll be coming out to some friends over the next few months, which adds it's own level of stress. If any blow up in my face, I'll be out to a lot more in an un-controlled way, but I can hope. :-)

I honestly believe I have to transition. Living as a part time guy actually hurts me. When I first came out to my wife, I didn't know whether I needed to transition at all. I thought I might be able to stop short. But, to be honest, it feels like a genie out of the bottle kinda thing. What I've done makes me want far more. The "setback" back in January - when my youngest finally "got it" and then my going to the office, as a guy, again a while later really told me some things. I knew, before, that I would love to be a pretty lady that everyone accepted. I admitted that. But, I've come to realize that being Ann part time just isn't enough. Oh, I can "live" but I'll have to "lock" part of myself down and that's not going to happen. So, Yes, I believe I will transition. Will that be "enough"? I honestly don't know. There IS a difference between "Want" and "Need". I know what I want. I'd do the surgery today, if want were all that's important. But, I think I've said why it's a harder question than that. Only time and experience will tell.

For those of you that got this far - thank you for your patience. Sorry I have nothing better to reward you with, but thank you for reading.

Ann