So I sent this letter off to my parents, not really expecting a reply.
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/18347/so-i-sent-letter-pa...
Well, I get up today, ready to go run errands and while I'm throwing a braid in and getting ready for a little bicycling odyssey my mom calls. I was unsure whether to answer. After a moment's hesitation I answered.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. She says "Well, we got your letter."
"And?"
"Look, the first thing I have to say is this. I love you and nothing will ever change that. I carried you around under my heart for nine months and part of you is still there. You'll always be my child, no matter what."
Folks, I broke down crying. We talked for about an hour after that. I don't think dad wanted to get on the phone, but I heard him in the background. I asked what he thought and she said "Well, he wanted a son. He doesn't know what to think. Neither do I, but we both love you."
So I got complete incomprehension from them(I expected that) mixed with, well, I can't call it acceptance, but nonrejection anyway. Anyway, mom said she probably would have named me Abigail, because she liked her story from the bible. I'm not sure what I think of the name, but at least she picked a strong woman to name me after.
So that, combined with the middle name my sister dropped when she got married.
Abigail Kathleen.
I really don't know. Any thoughts, folks?
P.S. I also found out my mom is a rabid Shaun White fan, she's been following him on wheels for years and was enthralled by him at the Olympics. Totally never woulda figured her for being a vert fan.
Comments
Cool!
Sounds great! I'm glad their reaction was better than you expected, maybe they'll come around further in the future. As for the name, sounds okay, though you could always flip it around if you want. Or you could always make something up like I did! ;)
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
I like the name Abby (or is it Abbey)
Regardless, you have to be happy to be called whatever name you decide upon :)
{{Hugs}}
Happy Birthday?
..."Look, the first thing I have to say is this. I love you and nothing will ever change that. I carried you around under my heart for nine months and part of you is still there. You'll always be my child, no matter what."
If my family said to me what your mom said to you? This is a most precious thing...I know there is a long way to go, but what a first step... Abby? Katie? You absolutely made my day! The best of it all..Abigail, Kathleen ...Theide? But "my child" is so sweet and will last long after you decide which name you'd like. I'm very happy for you.
Dio benedica la mia bella amici, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
I've never been so happy...
...to be so wrong!!!
You know what I commented after your last blog, and from how I interpreted it I really did think it was useless to expect ANY answer from them, let alone an "I love you". Their incomprehension is nothing compared to their willingness to communicate with you. With that, something resembling comprehension might come in time. I really need to hear stories like this, since I appear to have a slight problem with pessimism...
~~hugs, happy tears, Laika
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
I still don't know quite what to think.
I'm just completely wrong-footed there. I'm glad we both were wrong, but honestly, I don't think it really means much.
I say this because a part of our conversation was her telling me exactly why they won't talk to my sister. Turns out it's because I just quit their religion but never joined another, whereas she did, therefore they are supposed to consider her dead. Apostate is their word for it. As a result, they will likely never meet their now almost 12 year old grandson.
My parents are very strange people.
Research!
A few random suggestions:
* Try reading the meaning behind the names.
* Think of the contractions.
* If you're still unsure, borrow a baby name book and leaf through it.
* Think about people / celebrities (past and present) with names you're thinking of and the image they portray.
Remember that whatever you choose, it will be your name, one you'll want to be proud to hang onto for the rest of your life. Feel free to take as long as you need to choose it - if necessary draw up a shortlist, mull over the names on it, and plump for the one that seems to be the best match to "you".
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Etymology
Well, I looked it up, and its really ironic and funny.
Abigail (Hebrew: ×ֲבִיגַיִל / ×ֲבִיגָיִל, Modern Avigáyil Tiberian ʾĂḇîḡáyil / ʾĂḇîḡÄyil ; "her Father's joy" or "fountain of joy") is a female name occurring in Biblical narratives in the Books of Samuel and in the Books of Chronicles.
The wife of the wicked Nabal, who became a wife of David after Nabal's death.[9] She had attempted to stop David from taking revenge against Nabal for his ingratitude towards David, warning him that vengeance was sinful and God would take care of the issue. Her accuracy in understanding God's will suggests that she was a true follower of God. She was the mother of one of David's sons, who is named in the Book of Chronicles as Daniel,[10] in the masoretic text of the Books of Samuel as Chileab,[1] and in the Septuagint text of the Books of Samuel as Daluyah.
Kathleen \k(a)-th-
leen\ is pronounced kath-LEEN. It is of Irish origin. Variant of Katherine (Greek) "pure".
Brower Surname Origin
(Origin Dutch) From Browwer, a brewer.
Married last name.
So it works out to: "Her father's(or Fountain of) joy, Pure Brewer" in Hebrew, Gaelic and Dutch.
Funky
Very Pretty Name
I think it is a very pretty name. I think that it was great that your mother called and even told you what she would have named you. I sometimes wonder what my mother would have named me at birth and think of how my life might have been different? I wonder how many babies I would have, who I would be married to and the kind of career I would have. I am proud of you for moving forward and becoming who you were always meant to be.
Look, don't be proud of me.
I cowered and hid for a very long time and by so doing, wasted potential and hurt others by my self-absorption. I'm nothing to be proud of.
Maybe one day, I will be.
Theide, Sometimes It's About Timing
Sometimes it's about timing and circumstances. I spent a lot of years trying to be what others expected me to be. It finally came to a head at age 33 and I finally began my transition. I am 39 now and I have been happier in the past 6 years than I was in previous 33. You were just trying to be what your hubby expected and wanted you to be and you tried so hard out of love. Many times we put the happiness of others before our own out of love. That is something to admire. It is not a sign of cowardice. Many things happen in their own time. I wish I could have transitioned in my teens, but I had the responsibility of taking care of both my grandparents until they died. They were deeply religious people and we lived in an area where being open about being transgender was just not a very good idea. I know you think I shouldn't say I'm proud of you, but I am because you are not unlike a lot of us who started transition later in life. Don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us have been where you are now. Taking this step shows that you understand that life is too short not to be happy with yourself. I came to the brink of suicide before I got the help I needed and transitioned. I know it took courage to come right out and declare your trueself. Just remember that you are not going to be alone in your journey. You have friends here that are behind you one hundred percent.
Hug,
Jen
Hmmm, a bit of a mouth full
I do not know what your last name so I cannot go further then saying it is a quite a mouthful to say.
That said, Abby is quite awesome on NCIS. I go by Kim or Kimmie because the full name is a bit much. Frances would make a good middle name also FWIW.
I am so glad for your happiness, makes me feel like a coward.
Kim
Believe it or not...
My mother's middle name is either Frances or Francis. Totally not. I am not gonna be called Frankie!.
I do kinda like Abby though.
Don't feel that way, please. I'm a coward too, this was a spur of the moment decision. My sis offered to print and mail it for me, I said yes. I really didn't expect her to do it right then and get it out in the afternoon's mail. But I had a moment of totally uncharacteristic bravado and told her to do it.
This whole thing is really the fallout from one impetuous decision. Sometimes I jump off of cliffs without looking to see of there is water at the bottom...
Well, okay
Guess it is time for 'The Best Babies Names' book(s).
Alternatives could be:
Clarice
Denise
Lauren
Well, you get the idea.
Cheers!
Kim
I got a similar...
reaction from my mom... Major league surprise. Okay, not as nice as what I got from my in-laws (total acceptance) but, hey... It's far more than I had any reason to hope for. I quite understand your reaction.
That said, I didn't get what my parents would have named a daughter. *sighs* It'd have been interesting. Maybe one of these days I'll get the courage to ask.
I like Kathleen. I agree Abigail's a strong name. I've never met one IRL either, so you'd not run into many. (Some NCIS fans, on the other hand, might think you got the name there...)
Best luck/wishes to you.
Annette
Parenting
My mother was a wonderful woman.
My mother believed that sparing the rod spoiled the child.
I didn 't.
I have four children. The oldest is now 35. I hit my children so few times I can tell you when it was, why I did it, and how it felt. Three times. . .and then never out of anger.
But . . . there were times I really felt like a complete failure as a parent because I hadn't loved them enough to hit them. Dumb. . .huh? When the world blows up, as it inevitably does. . .you question yourself.
That's how hard it is to be a parent.
When I read your letter to them I almost said something, but decided against it, because your letter was very angry and I figured I didn't know enough to be judgmental. I still don't, but it doesn't surprise me at all how they've reacted.
By most standards my childen have turned out quote wonderful. I'm not taking any bows because I believe it's more about NOT screwing them up than it is about shaping them into something terrific.
You seem to be a nice person with a strong ethic, which is also why I didn't say anything about your letter. I figured you had a right. But consider -- it would appear your parents didn't screw you up, so they can't be all that bad.
My views on most organized religion are dim. All I'll suggest is that you try to understand how badly your mom and dad want to be good parents -- for your sake. Most parents aren't trying to win any prizes, they're just trying to help their children as much as possible. Show them that they did a good job raising you and the results might please everyone.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
A Brief History...
I believe my parents did what they thought was right. I still think they want to be good people. The problem is that they are so horribly deluded and in my book, more or less not sane.
When told by the church elders that my 12 year old sister was to blame for being raped, they blamed her. When told that we were misbehaving because they weren't beating us enough, they beat us more(lots more). Beatings went from a few a week, six or 12 hits on bare ass with switch or belt, to beyond severe. My sister once counted 400 hits on me before she lost count because she was upstairs crying, listening to it. They took turns wearing out switches on me. My offense: I played with the kids up the road. That wasn't allowed because they weren't of the same religion.
My father once knocked me completely across the tractor bay with a backhand to the face because I wouldn't go into the chicken pen. I was scared, there was a big turkey in there who would attack! After that, I learned to take a stick in and knock the crap out out of MacGruder(The turkey) so I could feed and water the chickens and gather the eggs.
That was how it was when I was 8 and 9. It got worse after that. I quit their religion when I was 14, when I was 15, they threw me out and turned me in as a runaway, so I spent 2 years living under an assumed name and wandering the US, riding with truckers. They tricked me into coming home when I was 17 and the pattern of abuse resumed.
Lucky thing for me, I was ready for love, and I found him.
My sister didn't truly escape until she was 21. She moved out at 19 and they enticed her back. We both had to learn to be adults as adults, on our own, and back then my sis and I weren't close, not like now.
They screwed both of our lives over by denying us things that had been offered by our grandfather, such as a full ride for both of us to any school we could get into. Their religion forbids sending the kids away to college because they'll be out in the world and might learn something!
Do I think they did some good things for me? Yeah, I do. Thanks to my father, I have many skills, most unsuitable for civilians. Thanks to both of them, I am used to privation and have a very high pain tolerance.
So you can be angry at my tone if you wish, but I can assure you that I have some very good reasons and more than a few scars to back my opinion up.
I didn't write this bit to garner sympathy, rather to point out the fairly extreme difference between your behavior as a parent and theirs.
As I said at the start, I really think they wanted to be good parents. I think in some way, they still think they are. I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that's stupid of me.
Abby
What Religion Are They?
What religion are they? I know some Jehovah's Witnesses like that. My great aunt and uncle got mixed up with them and they drove their own daughter to suicide. My second cousin Jan married a man who beat her from the first moment they were married. She had three kids and finally decided that she had to get away from him for their sakes. The Jehovah's Witness elders told her that if she divorced him then she was a good as dead to them. Being desperate to cling to her misguided faith, she asked them how she could come back. They told her that the only way was if she was dead. She went out to a barn and hanged herself. Her parents never shed a tear and never thought to blame her no good husband for what happened. They took her daughters and raised them in the same church and never once questioned how wrong their their elders were in what they did to their own daughter. It is so sad and so infuriating that parents will sit there and allow people of authority such as preachers, say things about their children and convince themselves the children are somehow to blame for what some disgusting piece of garbage does to them. It is sickening!
Nailed it!
You got the right religion in one guess. Many others are just as bad though.