Today is an anniversary of a sort for me.
This day, one year ago, my wife discovered the remainder of my crossdressing clothing 'stash'. I was on a work trip to San Francisco, and was in a meeting when she called me on my cellphone to ask "Did I have anything to tell her?"
Being confused at the context, I remained silent. She continued to say that she had found a bag hidden away in my home office closet that had female clothes, and high heel shoes in it. Not being in a place where by I could discuss further, I told her I'd call her back at the end of the meeting I was currently in.
Naturally, my heart was beating, and my mind in turmoil. But i came to the decision to be honest and own up to my crossdressing. It was not a happy conversation.
Was it the best decision? I think so, even though it has put a huge strain on our relationship. I still have to sleep downstairs most nights as she leapt to the 'normal' conclusion that most people do, that I am deviant, and probably gay, and she struggles with that. No matter how much I try to tell her that I'm not gay (after all, most crossdressers are actually straight) and that crossdressing is just a expression of my softer side, she says that she can not trust me.
That said, we are still married, and I try harder to be a better husband. She has kept her promise not to 'out' me, although I suspect she has spoken to her Mom about it...how many girls can keep a secret from their Mom?
The fact is, I have not dressed up for over two years, and had almost purged my stash when she found it. If she had not found the stash when she did, it would have been gone the following week when there was another charity clothing pickup.
Fate it seems, wanted her to know....
Comments
Okay, I'll answer this one,
As I have personal experience of this. In my case, it was not so much the fact that I dressed, it was more the fact that I kept it from my good lady wife that caused the bulk of the issues, it came down to trust in the strength of the relationship, or lack thereof. Even if you discard or were intending to discard the 'evidence', as it were, she will be thinking only that you did this without discussing it with her and will feel that you have broken trust. This, in my case, was more of an issue than all the 'are you gay', 'do you want to be a girl' and 'what will the neighbours think' all rolled into one.
There is hope, but not knowing your situation or your personalities well, the only advice I can hope to offer is that you two have to talk this through, 100% honestly and without recrimination.
Wishing you all the best - Jay
Mine is the right to be wrong: My blog => http://jaym.angelblogs.co.uk/
That which does not kill me only serves to delay the inevitable. My blog => http://jaynemorose.wordpress.com/ <= note new address
thanks
I'm trying to talk, and work through it
My wife is still in the broken trust stage, and occasionally will fire off a recrimination in private.
You are most welcome.
It is not easy to resolve, or even to open negotiations, so I understand your plight all too well, these things take time, patience and a lot of reassurance, but there is hope. Last weekend, my wife once again accompanied me to the transgender discussion group I attend and for the first time, I think she quite enjoyed herself, compared to previous visits, whereby she just sat stony faced. Compare this to nine months ago, when she found out and was in howling banshee / destroyer of property mode, I would say that things are going really well. The thing is, I have not given up being me but I take care to invite her to accompany me to anything I am going to, that way she can see that there is nothing wrong. But I suppose every one is different, but I just thought that by sharing this little snippet, maybe you can see hope where now you see none.
Wishing you all the very best - Jay
Come release the inner twaddle: My blog => http://jaym.angelblogs.co.uk/
That which does not kill me only serves to delay the inevitable. My blog => http://jaynemorose.wordpress.com/ <= note new address
If it has been a year
I'll guess you pointed out the fact that you are the same person you were before? The clothes are just that..clothes of a different form, but not another woman per se. Unless it is purely a matter of trust and not the dressing that bothers her....
Regardless I hope you work it out somehow...maybe a counselor?
All my best!!
{{Hugs}}
trust
I think she is over analyzing the 'why' I dressed, and not believing me when I tell her that the dressing is therapeutic, a stress reliever.
She 'imagines' that the dressing was for something else, hence the 'gay' discussion.
Anniversary of sorts.
I was married for 15 years and had four beautiful daughters with my wife. She knew about my dressing before we married and her first mistake was thinking that she could change me into the man she thought I could be.
Like you Jay, I purged etc. over the years but could not purge the system so to speak. We had several acrimonious conversations over that time, a separation of six weeks and even marriage counselling. We even had counsellors who tried to make me into the man they thought I was.
The relationship between us was one where I thought that I was always walking on egg shells. It was the trust thing as mentioned by J.M. My wife treated the female me as though she was another woman and had a serious time placing her trust in me. This trust never really returned even after she had an affair with my best male friend whom she has subsequently married.
A relationship such as marriage is built on trust and without it will fail. If one partner has lost that trust or cannot fully trust the other, then times will be tough. It doesn't matter whether or not you might have a faith-based foundation to your marriage. If the trust gets damaged it is very hard to repair especially for those of us who eventually go on to transition and surgery.
My ex-wife and I are on great terms and are better friends now than when we were married.
Jay, when I examine the classic presentation of cross-dressers, whether or not there is an element of TG involved, the desire to dress will sooner or later rise up and consume much of your real time thinking. It will take great effort on your part to not break out and dress for any reason.
Natal females are very tough on the trust issue whether or not they consciously think about it. That is just the way they are. The sooner that natal males understand this and figure this into their thinking, they will always be on the back foot in the relationship.
I wish you well in the ongoing relationship with your wife and hope that complete trust can return. It will take a significant move on your wife's part for this to happen, and it will take some time. Do not ever try and push the timetable along in repairing this trust. Your wife feels that she has been agrieved and she is the only one who can determine when she feels that she can trust you as much as you feel that you might deserve.
Robyn B
Sydney
Robyn B
Sydney
Re: Anniversary of sorts...
Hi Robyn,
A few points of note. Firstly, I have never purged. Also, my good lady wife has no issues with me dressing, it is out in public she has issues with, she prefers me to tone things down somewhat and as I am somewhat of a tall one, she is dead right about me standing out anyway, but I still go out dressed in public, often with her. I have not stopped being me, I just involve Mrs. Jay in things now, which means I get fashion advice thrown in!
You are quite correct about them feeling they are in competition with our female persona though, when we go out with me as Jayne, she dresses up to the nines, something which she did not really do since we were dating. This has also been remarked upon by other trans friends too, whose SO's seem to do the same. Also, she has started wearing dresses, something she has never done. I think that our SO's re-embrace their feminine side as a result maybe?
With Mrs. Jay, the trust has returned I think, due to us spending a lot of time talking and me being fully open and honest about things. Heck, she even came with me to my first laser consultation. She seems to have accepted that things are not going to change. She does not want to consider any sort of counselling but things improved greatly when she talked things through with a couple of her friends and also when she realised that there were others in the same position as her.
Too much detail? Who knows? Anyhow, apologies for the long big post. Take care and be happy - Jay.
Release the inner twaddle: My blog => http://jaym.angelblogs.co.uk/
That which does not kill me only serves to delay the inevitable. My blog => http://jaynemorose.wordpress.com/ <= note new address