Pitch for Breakthough contest

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Hey everyone!
I'm going to enter Amazon's Breakthrough Writer contest with my Heroes of Justice novel. http://www.amazon.com/b?node=332264011 The entry date begins on Jan. 25 2010, but one of the requirements is a 250 to 300 word pitch. This is important since that is what is going to weed out the majority of the contestants. The problem is I haven't a clue about writing something like that. What follows is my first attempt and I would be forever grateful for any assistance.
Hugs!
Grover

Heroes of Justice
by
Grover Young

This story begins with Greg, a role-playing gamer, receiving a phone call from his friend Mike who’s starting a new game. Heroes of Justice is a pen and paper Superhero RPG that also uses a program to ‘enrich’ the experience with graphics and other support.

When Greg and his friends meet that Saturday to game, they are all pulled into the game universe becoming their characters. Three of them become what you expect from a macho superhero; a strongman, a speedster, and furry were-wolf. However, Greg and the others weren’t playing male characters! We find that this three were exploring their feminine sides.

Dealing with their new abilities as well finding themselves neck deep in trouble they find themselves going from one trouble to another. Getting everyone back together, they all struggle with trying to rediscover their friendship because they all so different in appearance and the special difficulties having these superpowers present.

Taking a chance, they contact the local Superhero team, the Warders, even though our intrepid group has already gotten into some trouble with the law. With the situation in their city deteriorating, the Warders take a chance and provide with help contacting with an retired hero, Major Victory.

Under his tutelage, they begin to overcome the challenges they now face in this new world. However the bad guys that were the reason for them to be drawn here hasn’t been idle. Lord Corruption has lived up to his name spreading darkness throughout the city of New Riverside.

Caught in an enormous chess game of good and evil can the friendship of our heroes overcome their own prejudices and intolerance?

Comments

All I can offer isn''t much, such as it is, but here goes....

Andrea Lena's picture

...whoooohooo....Yay Grover....Yaaaahhhhhyyyy....whoohoooo! Medicatedly Yours, 'drea


She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Sounds good

However, I would suggest avoiding the term 'chess game' because it's something of a cliché. I'm sensitive to clichés right now because my daily paper of choice, the Guardian, letters page has been running some light-hearted punning contributions on the subject for the past few weeks.

I agree with other comments, too.

Robi

Suggested Edit, first pass

erin's picture

Greg, a gamer, receives a phone call from his friend Mike about starting a new game. Heroes of Justice is a pen and paper Superhero role-playing game that uses a program to ‘enrich’ the experience with graphics and other support.

Greg meets his friends and they are all pulled into the game universe. Three of them become a strongman, a speedster, and a werewolf. But Greg and the other (how many) aren’t playing male characters, they end up exploring their feminine sides.

The group goes from one trouble to another, while dealing with their new abilities and bodies. They have to rebuild their friendships in their new forms in order to survive.

A local superhero team in the game universe, the warders, helps the intrepid new team. After a run-in with the law, Major Victory becomes mentor for the group. (Mention the villains). The situation in New Riverside continues to deteriorate as the big villain, Lord Corruption leads his minions in spreading darkness and danger throughout New Riverside.

Can Greg and his friends live up to the challenges and overcome their own prejudices and intolerance to become true Heroes of Justice?

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Probably nothing, but...

I think a line could be in the beginning, something like that:

However, a line in an agreement proves to be more than a witty joke when...

I am referring to the line that was on the site, that asked whether they agreed to fight for the good etc.
Then again, what do I know?

Faraway


On rights of free advertisement:
Big Closet Top Shelf

Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!

Faraway


On rights of free advertisement:
Big Closet Top Shelf

Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!

Hi Grover.

I took a look at your "pitch", edited it, and sent it back to you via skype

I wish you the very best of luck in the contest.

Hugs and love,
Catherine Linda Michel

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg