I was going to meet a friend and go out on a girl's night out with her.
What neither of us realized ... her husband, while cordial to me, does not like me at all, and wants me to do nothing with his family. Needless to say tears are here to visit, and my emotions are all over the place. I did not know I was a disease, something that needed to be contained and eradicated, and he made certain I understood how he felt. All I told him after he finished his tirade was I am sorry, and that I would respect his wishes of staying away from his wife and family. The worse part, her text basically stated she was sorry but was not allowed to see me any more, and then he called using her phone and expressed his feelings.
I feel so stupid and worthless right now. I know, head up and shoulders back, but I will not fib ... it hurts. I will be damned before I quit, I just wish it was easier ... somehow. Why are people so mean?
Kendra
Comments
Scary
I'm thinking not so much of your friend's husbands attitude towards you (which is appalling but not necessarily surprising), but the fact that he can apparently get away with ordering his wife about, determining who she can and cannot meet. This is supposed to be the 21st century, it shouldn't be any of the husband's business who his wife chooses as friends.
OK, perhaps it's not a good idea to extrapolate, but it does make you wonder what other aspects of his family's life he feels the need to maintain absolute authority over.
Perhaps the option still remains for you to arrange to meet your friend at the venue, or (to avoid raising the husband's suspicions) arrange a night out with several friends, and ask one of them to invite the friend with the authoritarian husband.
--Ben
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Submissive Women
Actually "women" should not be capitalized in some cases, because many genetic women really are quite submissive and in many religions that submissiveness is written right into the belief system. Actually, some management consultants say we all have two personalities as expoused by "The Managerial Grid". Not being a GG, as much as I want to be, I do not truly know that feelings of having been conditioned by the um "evil conspiracy" to have "The Good Girl Syndrome".
In many cases one of these submissives will take a life time to finally have had enough and then stand up for themselves. The other day Cathy was actually laughing at me because I am this this gentle, submissive woman all the time but then something will hit my hot button and it will be um "Thermonuclear Warfare". Is it is an elegant illustration of us concealing our true selves? It is demeaning to have these micro fits of dominance, and then soon after being groveling for forgiveness soon after.
Yes, I am very concerned for this woman, but it is not the first time I have seen it.
Best.
Khadijah Gwen
The Problem is Not You
It is not easy being different. It is costly and, at time, down right cruel as you found out. Those of us who have made the decision to live as we see fit have all had moments that made us all feel small, worthless, and down right miserable. But we go on, 'cause the alternative is not at all attractive.
The husband of your friend went overboard in expressing his dislike for you. That is clear. What I find appalling about this sad story is the attitude of the wife. That she is so cowered by her husband that she willingly jettisons people who are her friends is nothing less than reprehensible. Fair weather friends are, as far as I am concerned, unworthy of the title 'friend.'
I expect I shall be shredded for my opinion. It won't be the first time or the last. Be that as it may, what you need to do Kendra is dry your eyes, close that sad chapter in your life and see what's written on the new page, one you and only you have a hand in writing.
Nancy
"You may be what you resolve to be."
T.J. Jackson
While what you say may be true regarding some friends,
...it would seem in this case, that the husband is attempting to control his relationship with his spouse, which may be a pattern in their relationship that goes beyond this sad behavior. She may not have the strength to stand up to him on behalf of Kendra, and while that is very sad, it doesn't surprise me at all. My first marriage ended as a result of many factors, but one of the main ones was that I was acting exactly like her husband. I felt threatened by my ex-wife's relationships and attempted to assert my "rights" as her husband. I was wrong, completely without excuse, and I suffered devastating consequences for my behavior.
I am truly sorry for Kendra... Dear heart, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And yes, it hurts too much to even believe you can endure it. I know this has been a very difficult year for you, and this only adds to your pain. My heart to yours, dear one.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
Sorry Nancy I MUST disagree
Kendra,
Every once in a while life dumps a pile of shit RIGHT on you. There is nothing to be done about it but shower yourself off and move on. There is the old saying; "If you love something set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours at all." As to your "friend", be polite and non-judgemental as you can be, she MAY have been under duress at the time. She may or may not see the light and realize that your friendship does nothing to dimminish her marriage. You have friends here in any case!! Lean on us until you are able to walk tall again.
Oh, Nancy, for the most part I agree with your post, but because I agree with MOST of your post, I therefor must disagree about being "shredded" , by me anyway.(Unless disagreeing with that part of your post constitutes "shredding"... Oh POOP now I'm confusing myself.)
with love,
Hope
with love,
Hope
Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.
We are on the same journey
I am so sorry for your pain. My heart goes out to you. This is a hard path and I always try to discourage those who lightly seek to take it. I try to warn them off lest they somehow think I am encouraging them to take it also. It is not that I do not believe in what I am, but I just want those who take it to be absolutely sure, because much of our life is filled with rejection and pain that leads to many tear filled nights.
On Mother's day last year, I was in a local Mall and a young woman walked up to me and said, "Salaam Alaykom" to me. I am Muslim, and easily identifiable as that, Hijab and all. Over time despite my reservations, we became close friends. We even had the talk about "if she was my friend because she thought I had money". STill, the friendship flourished and we did many things together.
She is a College Senior, and this term she has been absent from my life. She says she is really busy with school, but I also know that she has time for other activities because I see the evidence. My reasonable mind says that she has the right to do as she wishes, and why should she want to hang out with a 63 year old woman. The um Trannie part has never been an issue. She has since married a delightful Saudi guy and he absolutely accepts me, he says. His sect accepts the need for people like us to try to find our true lives.
Recently he is not answering my texts, and she is very distant. She has grown very critical of me since I am not fanatic about my beliefs, and American converts frequently just dive into the deep end of the pool. I hope that she will not do that, and that she will see that a simple non radical approach to life is better.
I have been searching myself to see if I am the fault, thinking it is "all about me". The dark thoughts flit through my head taunting me. I too hurt so much, but I am also thankful for the good times that we enjoyed together. After the tears I pray for strength to just get on with my life, knowing that others of my sisters have it as bad and many even worse. I try to keep busy doing the things that I enjoy but with out her and her husband.
I have seen T folk on the street who have completely withdrawn and won't even speak to their sisters, acting like we do not even exist, their pain covered over as much as posible in a layer of fantasy. Who can blame them; perhaps I shall be in that place someday.
I do hope that life is less painful for you in the future.
Ma Salaama
Khadijah Gwen
It is so sad
that he is acting that way.
I do have a Dear Abby question--or questions--for you, however. Are you attracted to women, and are you and your friend attracted to each other? This is important, as the husband may feel justifiably worried about your relationship to your friend. Whether or not you would ever do anything is really not the point. If he felt vibes between the two of you he may have reacted as he has done.
That being said, I worry about your girlfriend, as she seems to be reacting to her husband as if she is a child. "Not allowed to see you anymore?" Puhleeeese! yes, there is compromise in any marriage, but who you see or do not see is not a question for your spouse to decide unilaterally, unless you are a confirmed submissive. You discuss "problem" relationships and decide whether a spouse's concerns should override your own wishes, or whether you may need to do some reassurance work.
"I am not allowed to see you" is a total cop-out. Frankly, the only time a similar phrase was ever used with me was when I was in high school and the girl I was dating did not want to go steady with me. Rest assured, that as soon as she found "the one" she was after her parents relentlessly. I know this because we were lunchtime friends and I was allowed to sit with her and her new boyfriend. Kind of tells you what sort of personality I have to have put up with it. Wish I'd understood it then! Anyway, I got the last laugh at the Junior Achievement dinner (we met in J.A.) by bringing a Junior (she was a Freshman) who wore a low cut dress that showed off her very nice assets. I had to hold back my smirk when my ex-girlfriend nearly ruined her vision staring at those generous slopes at the table we shared.
But back to your situation. I really am sorry how it turned out. You should not feel bad about an idiot who takes his insecurities out on you, but I know that is not something easily done. I say the Serenity Prayer often over things I cannot change, and this looks like one of those. If your friend was willing to continue your friendship despite her husband, then she would have stated so in her email. And she would not do it behind his back. So it looks like that door is closed.
The whole thing is sad for her and her family, as well. She may think that she is making peace with her husband, but if she really sees nothing wrong with being friends with you--and her husband believes so strongly that you should be "contained and eradicated"--then their world views are so dichotomized that they may have no future together, other than one of strife and anger.
Take care, dear.
SuZie
SuZie
A follow up on your question
SuZie,
I am truly bisexual. I see people not male or female and am attracted to the individual, not the sex. With that stated, I have always seen this individual as a girl friend, nothing else. I do not believe I gave off my orientation and I do not believe she knows my orientation. I do know she is having issues with her husband, and that was the reason we were going on a girl's night out, to give her time away from her husband and unwind herself.
I did not realize this topic would be so "live" and it has really helped me deal with this loss. I do wonder why this is happening, but at the same time I realize that I can only affect myself.
Thanks to everyone who is there for me. I do appreciate all your comments.
Kendra
Sounds like you answered
your original question. He is being so mean because he realized that you might actually help his wife with her marriage issues. That threatened him immensely. She has now allowed his fears to control her life. That is a very bad thing and I hope she will have someone to confide in. I don't know if his controlling ways have turned physical at this time, but I'd bet they will do so in the future.
SuZie
SuZie
I Am Surprised That Your Friend Would Allow That
I am surprised that your friend would allow her husband to dictate who she can be friends with. If I was married, I would tell my husband to go take a flying leap if he EVER tried to tell me who I could associate with. I would have stood up to him and fired back instead of apologizing. You did nothing wrong! I despise men like that. She sounds like she is involved in an abusive and controlling marriage. I hope that she decides to renew your friendship and some point and gets to a point where she tells him that he will no longer have that power over her.
Not knowing anything more
Not knowing anything more about your friend or her husband, when I read this to my wife, her first reaction was
a) if I pulled that on her, we would be heading to divorce court, BUT
b) your friend may also be uncomfortable and have chosen to hide behind her husband.
Whether this is the husband being a domineering jackass, or the wife asking him to be the bad guy, it hurts like hell for you, and I am so sorry that you have had to deal with bigoted small minded people.
:(
Many hugs...
Kristy
I am so sorry...
...that this has happened to you. ._. It's the sort of statement, and the sort of behavior I've always had a hard time understanding, and it hurts every time.
*hugs!*
-Liz
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
IMO you are not
likely to be the one with the problem. (Unless you have a highly communicable disease, that is transmitted by close proximity... You don't have lice, do you?)
The problem is that this woman allows her husband to have control over her. There are several reasons why she may allow this. There are cultures and religions that are very male oriented. My daughter's roommate, her freshman year, was not "allowed" to be in a room (bedroom) with a male that had not been introduced to her by her father. (Apparently, classrooms were an allowed exception.) As a result, she complained when my daughter's boyfriend (almost fiancee now) came to visit, and dorm staff supported her. I wasn't even allowed to visit my daughter's dorm room while the girl was there (I'd not come out yet). Today, my daughter would have made a bigger stink about it (she's grown up some). At the time, she didn't want to make waves and her roommate was able to "control" the room to that extent.
Personally, I don't believe your friend is in a healthy relationship. Hopefully the husband's not also physically abusive, but this mental abuse is bad enough. (Yes, I know some societies/groups don't consider it abuse. But, as to how I was brought up, I see it that way.)
As to you staying away from her. You are also allowing this man to control YOU as well. If your friend follows his rules, and doesn't talk to you any more, that's one thing. However, unless she wants you to, I don't see why you have to either follow his rule, or stay away from her.
I hope that some day this man has an experience where someone that he's shown his bigotry against does something for him, without which he would be in very bad position and/or possibly die. Whether he'd learn that his narrow mindedness was unwarranted and he feel remorse or not, I dunno. Some can learn.
Best wishes to you,
Annette
Kendra, don't worry about
Kendra, don't worry about that @sshole. He's probably a very insecure little man who needs to dominate women in order to validate himself. And he's probably got a small penis too! ;)
I'll bet money that the reason he went on a rant at you was simply so you'd drop all contact with your friend... because he's trying to isolate her! It's a tactic that those @ssholes use. Drive off all the friends so she's got no-one to help her.
Anyhow, you're a better person than that little man. Don't let him get you down.
Hugs
Brute
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue
a reason and a season
I know exactly how you feel. However; I had a friend who reminded me that people come into our lives for a reason or a season. It is apparent your friends reason and season are over.
But then she was most likely an acquaintance, there for you to learn a lesson.
I have a mantra of "Those that mind don't matter, Those that matter don't mind."
I was abandonned when I came out, family so-called friends and co-workers. I was sure my world was done and I had nothing to live for.
In a matter of months I met new people who were accepting of me for who I was and that soon grew into more people and then I volunteered for a national organization. I now hold three responsible positions with the organization and am not pushed away.
So remember people come into our lives for a reason or a season.
This woman's life must be miserable with a domineering husband and she doesn't even know it. Most likely her father was the same way so to her its normal to be submissive after alll she watched her mom submit also.
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.