This year for Christmas, my kids are going with the ex to her parents' place in Vail. They left this morning. My parents and my sister can't afford to fly here this year, and I can't afford to even take the time off, let alone travel. I don't have any close relatives within a thousand miles. I don't even have any pets at the moment, a highly unusual circumstance for me. So, for the first time in my entire life, I will be spending Christmas completely alone, at least in the sense of not having any family around.
I didn't think it would bother me; I've always thought of myself as being pretty self-sufficient, not overly dependent on the company or attention of other people, and I'll be working anyway. I guess I hadn't really let myself think about the implications. But this morning, dropping the kids off at the ex's, as I was getting ready to leave it started to hit me, and I had all I could do to hold it together until I was back safely in my car and driving home... alone. Then I almost had to pull over because I was having trouble seeing through the tears welling up. I got myself home--it's only about half a mile--and then just let it all out.
I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself, at least for now; after all, I've got a phone, and I've got friends who will be in town. Compared to some, I know I have blessings aplenty. Still, I expect I'll be needing a lot of chocolate to get through the next week. A lot of very dark Belgian chocolate.
Comments
we are here
BC/TS is family and as much as we can be we are with you.
Love,
Paula
Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
The Coda
Chapterhouse: Dune
Paula
Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
The Coda
Chapterhouse: Dune
Count your blessings
... there are plenty of us who would kill to have as much as you do. You do not have to be alone, thank God, and we all made the choice with our eyes wide open and we all know it means risking ALL. I know I have been guilty of the PLOMs ( poor little ol' me's - it's borrowed from AA folks ) but transitioning is serious business as you know.
That said, I am sorry that what brings you so much meaning is denied you. It is painful. I hope you resolve it in your heart. On the other hand, if you seem to be at loose ends here, may I suggest you can use the time you would otherwise have to spend with your children to do some writing. It can be therapeutic I heard :).
Kim
I'm sorry...
...and we are here...I can't imagine the pain of being apart from your loved ones at Christmas...or any other time. My prayers and thoughts are with you, dear one. Write if you wish...I'll write back quickly...
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
hey gang!
Hows about a Christmas Eve chat? Since I havent got a Ouiji board to get in touch with my family, I'll probably be looking in here around 7 pm PST. Hope to see anyone without RL options for the holiday. Just an idea...
~~~hugs, Laika
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
I know exactly how you feel.
Until I came out 5 years ago, this Dec 23, I was a Christmas Freak, Had lots of Family around, went nuts with lights, sang the Messiah or listened to it at a church or somewhere. That first Christmas alone, and the next three were absolutely like being inside a black hole. I am sure that many of us have experienced the firing squad at the hands of the sanctimonious.
By a miracle from God, this year, I had to turn one invitation down in order to go to the home of other friends. I have actually found a sect of my religion that actually celebrates the birth of Jesus, and once again, I'll say, I love my life!
I don't know if you are religious or not, but there are lots of Church Groups that have Christmas dinners. You may need to do your research so that you can find a church that doesn't classlessly button hole you. At one church where I helped prepare and serve, the meal was absolutely excellent and they made it a point NOT to push Jesus at that time.
I am just throwing out ideas, hoping that something will help make you feel better.
Ma Salaama
Khadijah Gwen
If you feel like just chatting
I'll be pretty much alone, as well. I'm on Skype 24/7 and my username is delayra.edeyn
It's part of the price we pay
'Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.' - Newton.
Seriously, you wanted to be yourself - you are, deal with it. Only then will you realise how far you've travelled.
Angharad
Angharad
I guess I've been fortunate
I live alone and have done so for about 7 years, I have never been blessed with children, and I don't share my life with a pet. I'm far from lonely, however, and know that I have many friends, both locally and around the world.
I can't ever see anyone wanting to share their life with me (as Angharad says; it's part of the price I paid), but stranger things have happened. All I know is that I can share friendship with as few or as many people as I wish, and I count myself blessed in this regard.
Friendship has to be kept warm; it can take a long time to develop, but very little neglect to allow it to die.
May you find true friendship this Christmas and always.
Susie
Thank you all!
I can never really feel alone with all of you, just a blog post away, to help me back to my feet when I stumble. It's why this site feels like a second home, a second family.
It's not that I feel rejected by family; I've come to terms with my ex's self-centeredness and her father's rigid black-and-white view of the world, and most everyone else seems to accept me for who I am without too much difficulty. And it's not as if this will be every Christmas; the temporary agreement we just filed, which will likely become permanent when the divorce is finalized, has us alternating years, so next year the kids will be with me. I had them for Thanksgiving this year, and will have them for New Year's Eve (that whole week in fact), and she'll have them for those holidays next year.
In fact, other than my ex's poisoning all her relatives against me making it impractical for me to even consider joining them this year, I don't even see my loneliness as being at all related to my being transsexual. Finally taking the reins and doing something about that has been, I think, the best decision I ever made. I've made far more friends than I've lost, and have been getting out and being more social than I have since college, and without the hollowness and edge of quiet desperation those activities had then. Even the divorce is turning out to be an improvement for all concerned.
It's just that I suddenly realized that I was going to be alone for Christmas this year, for the first time in my life, and it kind of took me unawares and hit me hard for a while.
I can't convey how much I appreciate your expressions of support, whether it be in the form of a sympathetic "aww poor baby," a bracing reminder to "suck it up, Buttercup, you know you ain't got it so bad," a suggestion of "here's how I deal with it, you might give it a try," or a "hey, me too, let's hang out and dispel our loneliness together." It brings a tear to my eye for entirely different reasons.
Speaking of hanging out--Laika, I'll be calling my daughter at 7 pm PST Christmas eve, to do my traditional annual reading of A Visit from St. Nicholas over the phone as she's tucked into bed (it'll be 9 pm in Colorado), but I'll pop in afterward and see who's here. I've never done the chatroom thing before; should be fun. ;) And Edeyn, I'm not on Skype--yet--but I'll sign up just to chat with you. :) Not sure exactly when--I'll be working long hours all week--but Christmas day if not sooner, if that's OK for you.
Alone
I've been in circumstances where I would have been considered "alone". I was in the U.S. Navy for four years. One Christmas in Greece on "special duty", so I wasn't even with my shipmates. I had a modest hotel room,the BBC, a warm bath and a nice bottle of Greek brandy (7 star). I walked around Athens, a little, and managed to find comfort within myself and my surroundings.
Another was on a remote island, that I won't identify. I didn't have a lot of close friends since people were transferring in and out, but I'll never forget plopping and sorting that bag of mail on the O.Club's pool table and handing it out to everyone. We broadcast the Christmas Mass by the Catholic chaplain and then did "The Messiah" all night on the radio station.
The next day saw a very big entertainer arrived and did a USO show.
You're never completely "alone" unless you choose to be. There are other people, as has been mentioned in other posts, but there is also inner strength that you can find and maybe it's a good time to seek it. Enjoy a day when you can do exactly as you please. Plan ahead so you can have a nice meal...to your own liking. Listen to the music you'd like to hear. Find a Christmas service that may be satisfying.
By far the easiest thing to do is "cry in your beer", as it used to be said. If you want to be sad, then, so be it. I had a professor who once said the true approach to "worrying" was to set aside time to do it each day and do it as a ritual.
Obviously, that's absurd. So is obsessing on being alone.
Call friends, Invite them for wine and cheese. See if a shelter needs help in serving a meal. Put on one "Messiah" after another and compare interpretations.....
Missing family is natural but, at one time or another, everyone finds themselves separated from loved ones at special times just due to circumstance.
We all know "stuff happens" and then it goes away !
Find it in yourself to be content and satisfied that life is a journey and any single day is just another step on that journey.
Have peace and enjoy the holiday