Title page for The Book

Just getting used to the Sites Abilities & forming the structure my Story needs0 (Can't call the a plurality if I never write them).

Expect lots of edits, (especially one the structure of my concept for my first story), is told from my current perspective & knowledge.

A merging of two separate concepts,

My perception of humanity as an alien observer living secretly alongside them & the meaning of "Life, The Universe & Everything".
Of course because I'm a very smart alien, I know that the answer is 42, I'm searching for the right questions to prove that.

The other story is my autobiography about the "Wrongness" I always felt & it's grown in "Wrongness" every day of my life.
Then I had a Eureka moment, when I realised they were the same story & in my haste recorded my past perception of that story.

That is the story of how all of us are born different, totally helpless & totally ignorant of everything, but we are far from a blank slate.
A complex structure of that thing we call "Life", must be built from what already exists, we are all part of the "Universe" & as for knowing anything, we have barely crawled out of the womb as a species & we don't even know if knowledge is limited.

The night sky is our knowledge, a few threads of understanding in that ocean of what no human knows, or if we can ever dispel the darkness completely.

Then at the root of my individual perception lies the "Wrongness" deep inside me, making me feel as though I was never meant to be this way.
The Title came to me & my past perception was posted here that quickly, that I'd just written on another site, had been posted.

On going back the next day, I found it written, but not actually posted & suddenly my current perspective changed, just a little bit.
That is the theme of my autobiography "A Perception O Wrongness", told from the current perspective & reflecting on how that could change my perception of my scrambled memories & lifetime of emotional suppression, so bad it's only now that I am really feeling anything "Emotional" & apart from brief flashes of sadness & regret all can recognise out of that writhing wriggling knot of Wrongness & suppressed emotions I am now feeling & only the Wrongness is old & familiar, it's being emotional at all I'm now struggling with as I become half human.

I don't know if this is how I'm supposed to feel, is this what "half humans" have live with?
All my life has been Logic & science focused, always felt the wrongness, when I came to this site & learned another name for my wrongness.

My wrongness is Toxic masculinity, but don't worry, it's not catching & even if you could my wrongness made me push "humans" away & it's not the boys that were the real danger I could fool them into thinking I was one of them.

It was the girls whose bodies & clothes & anything that was feminine that I pushed away most, afraid they would see the wrongness inside me.
I was always a loner, but now I'm anti-social, the wrongness is literally crippling my body, the Doctor's called that ME once, now it has a new acronym, but means the same thing, they don't have a clue what is causing the exhaustion, it's not physical, but effects are obvious.

Since I understood the cause of the wrongness it's got worse.
Two years ago I signed onto the NHS waiting list to see the Gender Identity Service & start talking about removing the wrongness.

Monday 21^st July 2025
Got text to book appointment

Tuesday 22^nd July 2025 @ 11:00
Had that F2F online (my first video call, a PC expert, but my phones only used as a phone, I barely even use text) "Invite Appointment" for 30 minutes.
Discussed
Hormones, stop the "Wrongness" & get my "Rightness" correction sign me up for a very high dose.
Hair Removal, Only thing worse is shaving 3 times a day @ 15, because the "Wrongness" was wrecking my body & I lost that lottery.
Voice Training, Skeptical that my deep Bass voice can be "trained" feminine, but given those limitations, any improvement welcome.
Genital Surgery Excluded, I never wanted to be a "Woman", my logical brain knows it's impossible & just want the wrongness gone.

For me that means keeping it limp & MUCH smaller, I like a cute clitty.
The source of my wrongness is my testicles & I really want to KEEP them in their sad sack.
On a cute chain between my new assets, so when the real boys stare at my new boobs, I could see them wince in sympathy I reject.
As they slowly realise what their staring at.

Maybe if I was younger, I'd even get them to kiss my hairy balls to use my body as (forgot PG, do thoughts of sex in a story need a XXX tag? probably, but I can change it if needed & this was meant to be a placeholder.

Also discussed were the average times, of 1 to 2 months for 1^st Doctor's Appointment.
Tests & personalising my treatment, therapy & other things I can get on NHS mainly.
Then another 3 to 4 months for the 2^nd Doctor's Appointment.

That was the average, but due to a changeover fro "Trial" to official NHS status as the 5th UK Gender Identity Clinic/Service, the website was stuck on "Trial Ended", so only a few like me, found it & sent the begging eMail, I was told to sign up to a more distant GIC, that had a 6 year waiting list & in the six months I saw it posted never moved a month, then you had to be on the list & ring to find out.

The GIS I got lucky with was the "trail", that was at Jan 2021 (Trial start date) when I was referred in Oct 2023 & was moving monthly until
December 2024, the months of Feb & March 2023 were done, but April 2023 lasted 6 months (trail ending). until June 2025
Then it jumped to August for a "normal" month & still says Sept 2023 today, even though I'm now off the waiting list.

So I was mentally prepared for 2 months to a year, more waiting when that text arrived.

Now due to to sparsity of referrals just before the official GIS launch in Nov 2023, my schedule is even faster.
My 1^st Doctor's Appointment is on 14^nd Thursday August 2025 @ 13:45,
That's only 19 days away & having a set date is a real help, the uncertainty was worse & grew bigger as the "two years" shrank.

I didn't expect it to shatter the emotional & I can feel the barrier reforming, which is a good thing, need to slowly remove it.
I feel like I'm Uhuru N’Uru the Dark Elven Sissy, an Antisocial Socialist, living among a species I have never understood.
Now with the "Wrongness" still deep inside me, I feel like I'm becoming half human & realizing what they feel like, it's just "Weird".

Right now I'm looking at the "Rightness" hormones I need to fix the wrongness & all I can think of Is how the fuck can & live with that emotional roller coaster, that messes with the humans used to feeling at least "half human" in their wrongness.
I think I've got the wrongness beaten, though the bugger won't admit that yet.

Now I've got an added & unexpected problem, I always knew my skin was really white, (Name & colour from a band BLACK Uhuru).
I never realised the "Knife Ears" (Dragon Age Insult) were real until this moment (shame I can't get that on the NHS).
I feel like I've only started that new journey & I think I need more mental help than I ever realised.

I can deal with new knowledge, but I don't even know what I'm feeling except I'm "Emotional" (like the Vulcan mating ritual & the ears again).
For the first time in my life, I'm feeling everything my subconscious hid from me, even though it used them to control me by suppressing most of them.

Now I can't write anymore, this has triggered a flare up.
the wrongness is spiking & I'm fighting back, but it's so exhausting I'm barely hitting a key every second.
I'm tired of the wrongness getting worse every day & don't know how I can cope with this on top.

It was brief but getting longer & stronger in intensity

I need it to just stop getting worse, it's done far too much damage to ever reverse all of it.
Just for one day & like to feel as if I wasn't squatting in the wrong body.
I want a body I can live with & call it home, I can't keep living this way, it will kill me.
I don't take care of it, because of the wrongness.

All that "Gender Identity" stuff is just window dressing at my age, I'll never be more than a "bloke in a dress" to my flatmate & I don't really want to be that, my need for femininity is an expression of the "wrongness" buried deep within, not the cause, they are the effects.

I don't care if my appearance is still masculine, it's how I feel the wrongness & rightness hormones change me.
my goal is as feminine as possible, but I can't fake that, I hope I start to give a damn & will use all the tricks I can (once I learn how).
I can only express how I feel & that is "wrongness", so I express my toxic masculinity, by neglecting my body, I can't stop doing it.

Why would anyone choose to be transgender is beyond me.
I'm just glad the internet exists now, if I was 13 again , I'd do it the hard way If I had to.
Castration & girl pee, the traditional way humans have always feminized boys, but to slaves that were NOT Transgender.
The point I'm making is no law would stop me, but it's much better done with science & technology these days.

Ignorance was my main problem & was was literally called I "Child Prodigy", but my own subconscious fears retarded my emotional development.

On that "R-Word", I learned it meant restrict the natural flow, dams, irrigation, from science.
for years i thought the "R-word" was rape, because it's meaning was so ambiguous.

I do NOT take offence & especially when offence was the intent. they have lost if it's ignored, but…
If I can turn their insult into a compliment then I use it & my knowledge to turn it back on them questioning their "manhood" is a good approach.

I self Identify as a Sissy, but if meant as insult.
"Thanks for seeing through my masculine disguise & spotting the Sissy inside, but now your friends are thinking, didn't see that & looking at you sideways, wondering what that says about the real person hiding inside your masculine persona, than my obvious masculine appearance.

You'll Never be a woman
"No shit Sherlock, glad you've figured out what my problem is NOT & the impossible thing you have decided I must want.
I'm genetically male, but want that body as feminine as it can be, that is called being a Sissy, it can stay limp & I really want it much smaller.
Got any better suggestions to fix my problem?

Two months ago my perception changed, not used this yet.
About that "Never" part, I assume you mean "Get Pregnant", seeing as have a vagina no longer works, the goalposts moved.
The first "Womb Transplant Baby" has been born, so better get ready, the goalposts will need moving again.

So if my words offend you, it was not intended, get a dictionary definition & read the context it was used in.
I want us to communicate, you don't have to agree with my definition, but tell me how you define it, so we understand the differences.

Finally just so you know what to expect. this started as my version of…
TLDR (WTF does that mean, it does not compute)
WIP Placeholder