These past few months have been interesting to say the least. After everything that has happened to me this summer I have finally started to be more honest with myself. But to tell you the truth, being honest with myself only adds to my pain. I acknowledge the fact that I am transgendered. I want to be a woman. I had thought that I might just end up as a crossdresser, but recently I discovered that the clothes don’t really matter to me all that much. To me, it’s not about the clothes. I want the body and that is the hardest thing for me to bear. I am morbidly obese. I wear the weight well compared to some people who are overweight, but I feel every single pound that I weigh every day. I deal with back pain, knee pain and I’m still dealing with neck pain from my car accident. Over all, the pain is getting worse. All this adds to my depression. When I get depressed, I eat. When I eat, I eat too much and then I feel guilty and that adds to my depression. It’s a cycle that I can’t break out of. I’m trying to change my life in other ways. I finally got a car again. My last car died last winter and no one would give me financing with out a huge down payment up front. I’ll have the car paid off by spring. After that I can focus on getting an apartment. I miss having my own place. I’m trying to get a better job at the hospital that I work at, but it’s hard for a guy in healthcare to get a better job if you’re not a nurse or have some kind of degree or technical experience, even if the job you’re going for is a position that does not require a degree or experience. It takes a huge amount of effort to achieve even my smallest of goals and when I look at how far I have to go I get really depressed. I feel that I have fallen into a deep hole and I don’t have the strength to get myself out. It takes a huge amount of effort just to get up the motivation to do things around the house.
All of this makes me feel like nothing more than a fat lazy slob and I know that’s what I look like to others. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Don’t worry. I would never kill myself. I have a deep fear of death. I have seen death many times at work and I have also seen many botched suicide attempts. Some of which led to a horrible quality of life for the patient. I could never do that to myself.
Well, I think it’s time to call an end to this pity party.
Good bye
Jessica Marie.
Comments
Empathy
Jessica Marie,
All I can say is that I feel your pain. I know exactly how you feel, emotionally at least. The physical stuff never mattered to me. Pain wise, death to me always seemed so seductive, so freeing. I always saw a total lack of pain something I never felt in life and thought and still think at times now, how wonderful that would be. I would never promote suicidality, I am just trying to explain my feelings.
I never finished a formal education or training of any kind either dear. Don't let that make you think you can not get ahead. Screw that negative thinking and get your head on straight. You CAN do anything you want. Just show them how good you are and they will give you a position. I've done it many times when I didn't let myself fall into the trap of depression. Of course I lost that same position when I allowed myself to become depressed and had to start all over again in another job. I did get rather good at it though. One of the benefits of being transgendered I guess, being able to learn to adapt quickly to any situation.
So quit feeling sorry for yourself, get off your butt, and get the job you know you want. Don't let anyone or anything else tell you that you are not good enough. YOU are.
If you want someone to talk to [email protected] is my messenger and you are welcome to yell at me.
Nothing in Life is Free; if the cost is not monetary it will be physical, emotional, or spiritual.
Rachel Anne
Nothing in Life is Free; if the cost is not monetary it will be physical, emotional, or spiritual.
Rachel Anne
Back to school
I'm sixty years old, three times the age of half my fellow students in music class. It's very uplifting to see these kids and know that I can be learning the same stuff they are. Some of them are more talented than I am, some are smarter. But we're studying the same things and I will get the same grade they get, an earned one.
It might not work for everyone but learning something new always helps with my bouts of depression.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
You know, that kind of thing
You know, that kind of thing is something that more than a few people deal with. A suggestion on the job front. Find a class for a rehab aide, that would give you a leg up on finding a better position. And it isn't that difficult to get in most places. Here's hoping that things continue to improve for you, and start doing so faster. I do know how frustrating it can be to take such little seeming steps to get where you wish to go. Been there myself. Just keep doing what your are and things will get better simply from your determination. It worked for me.
join the club
Hi there. I too am morbidly obese.
I have been living my RLT for 5 years now. Other than on the phone... few people have called me 'sir' to my face. I too was in a car accident and suffered for years from neck pain. That pain is behind me now thanks to a dr who recommended severe stretching... one day one of my muscles just felt like it was being torn away from something. A few days later a bruise developed on the shoulder blade region of my back and I've been painfree from that day forward. however the obese thing I live with every day.
Strange thing is. I weighed 398lbs when I told everyone and informed my doctor of my suicidal thoughts and urges. Over the next 9 months I lost 165lbs. I've since gained it all back... but perhaps that won't happen to you.
Add into that diabetes that is not responding to insulin and you have my hell.
...through all that... I still live as a woman. I'm me and while I'm overly sad about my lot in life. I no longer feel like I can't recover like I did before my voluntary eviction from "the closet".
Dayna.
ps. Telemarketing is what got me back into the work force as a woman. I was on welfare and desperately clining to the sinking ship that represents. I got a call one day from a telemarketer who happened to be the owner of a local vacuum cleaner store. When I said I was unemployed and couldn't afford his pitch... he offered me a job... It took a couple more of those deadend jobs for me to save enough for the transition (name change, etc) but I walked into the office and said... I'm transsexual and I intend to transition after christmas. Can I work here? They said if you survive til christmas... sure we're okay with the transition... our customers can't see you anyways.
This is a Breakthrough
Dear Jess,
The lady I live with (a psychotherapist) says you can only have empathy if you've lived through the same situation. I've never had a weight problem and so what I suggest here may be totally off the wall -- but I sure am sympathetic. What occurs to me is that by realizing the truth of your situation, i.e., that being a woman is the only thing that will make you really happy, you've turned a corner. Might it be that until now you've been using eating as an escape? Now you can put your energy into actualizing that reality; with that as a goal, and a worthy one, perhaps you can find the motivation to throw out the bon-bons and lay off the starches. Each dress size you shed brings you closer to being able to achieve lots of other satisfactions. At least, I surely hope so. Hugs, Daphne
Daphne
Jessica Marie, There Is Hope
I have been trying to lose my excess weight for years, but I added instead. Well, I finally had gastric bypass done that helped some, but I had to have a hernia repaired from the surgery. That surgery helped me drop down again. And the recent surgery on my lower left leg to get rid of the infection has the benefit of dropping me even more. Now I do not use sugar or scarf down potato chips [crisps for our U.K. readers]. I can tell that even with me NOT walking as I like to do that I'm losing weight because I can see it in my body.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine