I stole this from the edited version of my last blog post and put it here with additional stuffs.
I've stayed away from the computer most of today. I called in sick to work. I do not have the emotional strength to deal with people today on the phone. I slept in. I work nights, but I just laid in the bed much longer than I normally would've. I spent the afternoon watching movies. Desert Hearts, A Perfect Ending and Kissing Jessica Stein.
All I've done is cry watching these movies about something I'll never have but so desperately want. I hope that made sense.
I'm crying as I type this. I just don't want to hurt inside anymore. I always feel like I have this hole inside me. This ache that never goes away. Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? Alone while sitting at the table with your friends? I feel like that all the time these days.
I haven't written a thousand words in the last month. I always have something else I can do on the computer.
I mentioned that I'm not planning on Transitioning. I was asked about that in a personal message. Okay. So... I'm 46 years old. I'll turn 47 this year. I'm just under six feet tall, and I weigh over three hundred pounds. And the thought of me transitioning at my age and weight, make me think of Burt Lancaster's brilliant line from Field of Dreams, "It was like coming this close to your dreams... Then have them brush past you like a stranger in a crowd." I have thyroid issues, heart problems and am diabetic. None of that helps.
There's no way that the thing I see in the mirror can be the girl I am in my heart. And that just kills me. When I look at myself, really look at myself, I hate me. I hate me, because it's not Me. I really don't know if that makes any sense at all. It does in my head.
To all of you that replied to my last blog post: I have read what each of you posted in reply to my last post. I love you all. I don't know any of you, and it doesn't matter.
Thank you all so so much.
Comments
Making peace with yourself
It's hard to do, making peace with yourself. The hardest thing is to forgive yourself for not being the person you want to be.
You can make a start by forgiving the people you love for not recognizing your honest desires, hopes and dreams. That's hard too.
Another thing to do is to get past thinking there's nothing you can do. There are things, things that will help. Find out what they are by doing just what you are doing here, talking to other people about this. Get some professional help, perhaps. Find a local support group.
Consider the possibilities, not the impossibilities.I guarantee that there are possibilities that you have not yet thought of.
If being you was easy, everyone would want to do it. When being strong is too much to do, just be.
All advice is easier in the telling than in the hearing. You're doing the right thing by reaching out to someone.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Hi Erica again
I felt like you do at one point in my life. I didn't transition until I was 51 years old.
I am diabetic (insulin dependent), I weighed about 240 lbs and am 5'11". Not the most feminine
of bodies. But it got to the point did I want to live. I am sure if I didn't transition I
would have committed suicide. Here is a poem I wrote soon after transitioning:
Different
I am different!
Why? Because I choose to be who I am not what society dictates!
Men think I have chosen to become a second class citizen.
Women applaud my courage in understanding my trueself!
What is this difference?
I have admitted to myself that I am female not male as the doctors declared when I was born.
They chose based on some external visual objects.
I chose because in my heart I have always known!
I tried their way and it led to despair and darkness!
THEN I CHOSE LIFE!
You may never be a beautiful woman but you can be happy with yourself. That is so much more
important!! So who are you living your life for, you or those others? Be yourself and feel
a great weight lift off of your soul!! Again I am here and will talk with you if you want!!
Hugs,
Pamela
I under stand all too well..
I am 57 years old. I used to be 270 pounds. I have diabetes, it was out of control as was my hypertension, and I was treating neither hoping I would die. It took over a year ( 1 1/2?) but I'm down to 165. My diabetes is under control without meds and the hypertension is gone. Like you, I had had no hope of transitioning,and it was killing me. But you know what? I was wrong. The hope of transitioning motivated me to loose the weight like nothing else. When I hit 185 I gave myself permission to start HRT. I am a work in progress, aren't we all? But after a full year I live as I was meant to. I'm going through some hard times right now, but emotionally I am infinitely better off than I was. It got better.
Most of my friends started transitioning in their mid to late 40's.
The first thing you need to do is find a gender therapist. It is a fairly specialized field, a regular councilor is not a good idea. When I found mine it was almost 2 years ago. We worked on the suicidal urges then moved on from there. I credit her for saving my life. She tells many clients they don't have to transition, and points out viable alternatives. If you ever do decide to make a go of it a GT is a must have, since it is their letters that open other doors. GTs also know the other resources out there.
If you are interested I have documented my path here on my blog. It has the good, the bad, my darkest days, pretty much everything. A very long read.
*hug*
I've got a gender therapist. I just don't have any health insurance and can't afford to pay his hourly rate. :(
I haven't been able to see bim since October.
I hate the thought of surgery. But I've been thinking of getting bariatric surgery, once I get coverage again. Maybe if I was thin, I wouldn't hate myself so much.
~And so it goes...
It makes a difference
I'm 5'11" myself, and I currently sit at about 280 lbs, and that's after spending the last couple of years fighting to get down from a personal record high of 310.
Losing the weight does help, on so many levels.
Melanie E.
I'm 53......
And I am also 5'11" - I am currently sitting at about 180 and working to get down to at least 165, which is where I was in college, if not lower if I can.
As Melanie can attest to, I go through periodic bouts of depression - as do we all I suppose. There are a lot of reasons behind them, not the the least of which revolve around my past - my time in the military and the things that I saw and took part in. Those are my demons and I am resigned to dealing with them as best I can and spending the rest of my life helping others so that I might help myself. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but if I can be a better person by helping others I don't see that as being selfish.
Like you Erica, I have trouble seeing the real me when I look in the mirror. But it is getting easier Hon. Every day that I move forward, every act of contrition that I make, every person that I can help, gets me closer to seeing the real me.
Yes, I cry every time I think of the time I have wasted. Of the 45 plus years of my life in which I denied who I am and built up a facade, a fake persona, to hide the real me. When I think of the person that I should be, of the life I should have lived, I die a little bit more every time. Yes, I am desperately afraid at times that I have spent so much time stuffing the real Dallas down into the darkness that I have killed her, that I have consigned her and my life to the rubbish heap of despair.
But every time I talk to my little sister, every time I share a thought or a day with my new friends here, every time I find a way to make someone else's life just a little bit brighter, I see her reflection a little clearer in the mirror. Every tear I shed helps to wash away the pain and hurt that lives inside me.
So go ahead and cry Erica. Let it out Honey - trust me, bottling it up inside just eats away at you. It will eat you up until there is nothing left worth living for, and like me, you'll wake up and find yourself staring at the abyss hoping for a reason to not take that final leap. I found my reason. I found a myriad of reasons. I found my love for my sons, and I found the love of my friends - my true family.
We are here and we are listening Sweetheart. Don't ever, ever doubt that.
If you need me, call. I will be there as fast I can. I promise.
Your life is too precious to waste. Live and be the person that only you can be. Don't you dare deprive me of knowing you and calling you friend.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Weight and image
The literature on trans folk is very clear on a couple of issues. Coming out or accepting that you are who you REALLY are is something that happens to a lot of 'men' (in particular) after a life spent in denial. There are two other common aspects besides the peak age of around fifty, and those are the 'flight into hypermasculinity' and massive neglect of the body they have to wear.
It is self-harming, in essence, and it also derives largely from the attitude "I never wanted this body, so why should I bother looking after it?"
I am in a support and campaigning group for trans people, which takes me all over the UK, and I meet transwomen of all shapes and sizes. One is a professional model. One is a dumpy fat 'man in a dress' with bad beard shadow due to having to stretch her budget for electrolysis. They are all simply moving towards who they should be, or are already there. Read my short-short 'Moving On' to see what it means.
And good luck and a hug.
Wendy is right.
It's a good idea to take Wendy's advice, Consider yourself a work in progress.
This gives you a sense of purpose and some ambition. I hate to appear to harp on about this but losing weight is an essential element of that 'work in progress'.
Apparently the latest findings point not to fats or sugars but to a COMBINATION of these two elements. This combination is to be found almost entirely in processed foods like confectionary and ready meals etc. Sadly the only way to avoid this is to prepare your own food from natural ingredients like meat, vegetables, natural cereals and natural sugars like honey.
Preparing your own food keeps you busy and that burns energy, shopping for that food also keeps you busy especially if you cycle (SLOWLY at First) to the supermarkets. This brings me to the second most important element, namely exercise. Cycling is superb cardio-vascular exercise and for older people (I'm 67) it avoids damage to joints that jogging can precipitate. It also avoids the same damage that overweight people would suffer.
The hardest part to getting on your bike is the cost of your bike and finding safe routes to and from essential locations like the shopping mall etc. Cycling also helps to produce endorphins that contribute towards the reduction of depressive illnesses. I found it very therapeutic and I didn't start until I was 63.
Sadly I don't know your personal circumstances so I don't know how far you live from the shops and medical facilities etc. So if you live in the centre of Kansas or something, some of this advice might not help but it is given in good faith and with the best intentions.
The most important thing however is to RESOLVE to start this work in progress.
Hope you succeed, love and hugs, Beverly.
Be brave and true to yourself.
XXX
My exercise...
was walking. I built up from short distances to 10 miles several times a week very slowly, about 8 months. When I first started I would get tunnel vision from sugar crashes, so I kept a small bottle of peanuts on my person just in case. IMO peanuts are better than glucose tablets. They release sugar slowly into your system and are full of nutrients. Just don't make the mistake I made early on after diagnoses. I ate a whole can and was shocked to see my glucose over 330! Doh!
Not everyone can do this, it eats up a terrific amount of time (3 hours for me). Did I mention motivation?
Right now I am stuck in bed because of a couple of failed surgeries. The lack of exercise is what really bugs me at the moment.
Strange if you still feel alone
after all this good advice from friends.
All this is free consultancy from real experts and chance of more friendships just by communicating.
Why not set yourself a few goals and with all the free internet advice these days for medical conditions you might even find ways to get control.
You did the tough bit in Florida so next steps can't be so difficult as that was can they?
We would all like to see you succeed so don't set the bar too high at first and save that for later.
hugs
Jules
Focus on a solution NOT the problem
Erica,
You have been down, that is nothing new, we have ALL been there. We have all cried about our problems, BUT, crying doesn't SOLVE anything. Erin is right, there are always more possibilities out there than any of us can imagine. I repeat my earlier advice, FIND YOUR POSITIVE ANCHOR! Then start looking for new ways to get your life on the road you want.
You have friends and a support network, here, if not in real life. We can offer comfort and advice, but ONLY YOU can turn your life around. BTW, sloughing off work is the WRONG direction if you are trying to build up a war-chest for future changes...
with love,
Hope
Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.
I'm 47 years old too, hon.
and far too close to 200 lbs for comfort. And yet, I'm transitioning, and pass reasonably well (or so I've been told)