I don't know what to do.
I haven't posted since before Christmas. I made the mistake of going to Florida to spend the holidays with my parents. Definitely a fucking huge mistake.
I tried to tell them about Me. About Erica. It didn't go well.
My mother... The less said, the better. My dad didn't take it well. He thinks that I'm crazy.
Even with them knowing that I plan on not going through with transition, they want nothing to do with me. I've talked about this with a couple of you privately; but at this point, what the hell.
So, I'm alone. No family. Very few friends, that I rarely see.
Three weeks ago, I started my new job. It's easy. It doesn't pay much. I can't afford the health insurance at work. $100/wk.
So all of this kinda hit me tonight as I was driving home. I felt sad. I felt sad enough that I wished I wouldn't wake up tomorrow.
To try and fight this, I turned on the radio. I don't often listen to the radio. Where I live in east central Indiana, it's Country, Top 40, Talk Radio or Classic Rock. I turned on Classic Rock.
The following three songs played:
The Who -- Behind Blue Eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Bob Seger -- Against the Wind
It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playlng low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the wind
And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searchin'
Searchin' for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind
Well those drifters days are past me now
I've got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out
Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older now but still running
Against the wind
Well I'm older now and still running
Against the wind
Supertramp -- Give a Little Bit
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
Give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
So give a little bit
Give a little bit of your time to me
See the man with the lonely eyes
Take his hand, you'll be surprised
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my love for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we're on our way back home
Going home
Don't you need to feel at home?
Oh yeah, we gotta sing
By the time that Roger Hodgson is singing about the man with the lonely eyes, I'm crying so hard I almost wreck. I pulled over to the side of the interstate and just bawled my eyes out. I sat in my seat, hunched as much into a ball as I can manage, holding on to my old leather bag as hard as possible, and cried. I don't know how long I was there just sobbing. I almost had a heart attack when the state trooper tapped on my window. He asked me if I was okay, and I just shook my head no. I told him I just needed a few minutes and I'd be on my way. He waited until I got back on the road, before continuing on.
So I'm home. I'm just so tired of hurting inside. No, I'm not going to do something stupid and kill myself. I'm too much the coward.
I just needed to share this. The only people I could think of that would listen are you all.
I'm sorry.
I've stayed away from the computer most of today. I called in sick to work. I do not have the emotional strength to deal with people today on the phone. I slept in. I work nights, but I just laid in the bed much longer than I normally would've. I spent the afternoon watching movies. Desert Hearts, A Perfect Ending and Kissing Jessica Stein.
All I've done is cry watching these movies about something I'll never have but so desperately want. I hope that made sense.
I'm crying as I type this. I just don't want to hurt inside anymore. I always feel like I have this hole inside me. This ache that never goes away.
I have read what each of you have posted here. I love you all. I don't know any of you. It doesn't matter.
Comments
Sharing the sadness
It does help.
Wish I was close enough to give you a real hug.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Don't be sorry
We all need someone to listen sometime. You've been having a hard go of it, you're hurting, and you just want the pain to go away. They say a burden shared is a burden eased. We're all here not only to read and post stories but to ease one another's burdens. Uf you need to let it all out do it. Crying is an emotional pressure valve and you need to relieve it sometimes. I know what it's like to have your family push me away when I needed them the most, many of us know what that's like and many of us work crappy dead end jobs if we can find work at all. But at the end of the day we can all come here and know there will be someone who understands and feels our pain.
We're here for you Erica. I wish I could give you the hug that you seem to need so badly in person,
*hugs*
Amethyst
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
I've been there.....
And not that long ago either. It helps to get it out - for me even just writing about it helps. Talking is better, texting works too, but if there is no one around I just write it out. A blog like you just did helps. Somehow, putting my thoughts in writing helps me to get it out - to externalizing the pain I guess, or maybe just to get it out and look at, to see it for what it is, and to realize that the hurt is not me and that I am not the pain.
But if you ever need someone to chat with, I'll volunteer. Unfortunately I'm a couple of states east of you (upstate NY), but I almost never sleep - well, not more than three or four hours anyway, and I am always available. You can always text me if you need to talk. I occasionally get to the Indianapolis area, or the Southbend area for work. The next time I am in the area I would love to sit down and talk. I can always use another good, close friend - and my penance in life is to help others wherever and however I can.
Let me know if you want my number and I'll get it to you by private message.
Hang in there - it will get better.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
It makes me sad to see comments like this
I hate it every time I see a comment like this because we are all so helpless. The truth is many of us are in the same place. We hide in the shadows and people ask us why then when we share our pain, the world doesn't understand or thinks somehow we could change if we just try hard enough.
I grew up in a rural area in a state next to you and can only imagine the response. I've spent half my life dropping hints to soften their words but they don't want to hear and I can't tell them the truth. When I go home, I listen quiet and take the barbs of their close minded words directed at the supposed immoral. What they don't know is the hurt they sling strikes closer to home than they realize. Then they wonder why I don't visit more.
You said you are a coward but you just did a very brave thing I could never do. I applaud you for that and hope you find solace in life's little victories as you struggle day to day. I don't know if it will get better for you any time soon and I won't give false platitudes because those are just words. I know it's hard, damned hard, to stay positive when it feels like the world is against you but I wish you well and hope you find the strength to make it work.
Let us be your family
For a while at least until yours come back.
Family is who we look to when we need help. We expect our parents to raise us, our grandparents to love us, and our brothers and sisters to always be there for us when the chips are down. They are our blood and we depend on that connection. When a family member doesn't live up to our expectations we feel abandoned. When a parent, grandparent or older brother or sister puts their needs in front of our own, we feel abandoned and alone. In such a case, we are likely to feel sad, alone and angry.
Be patient and let the initial shock pass. You are never alone. Here we are.
You're brave
I know I haven't yet mustered up the courage to tell my parents. I just kinda hide from them; make excuses to not visit.
But what you did took courage. And I want you to know it.
I don't know what I can do. I don't think there's any way I can help, and that makes me feel a bit powerless.
But I just wanted to add my voice to those already saying that we're here for you. Especially to listen and give you a shoulder to lean on when you need it.
xx
Amy
I was in the same place last year
I was in the same place last year.
Same result.
The difference being I did try to not see tomorrow.
Woke up 3 days later in the hospital.
No family; No friends; and a fortune in medical bills for that adventure.
I read: A LOT.
Takes me to another place.
I very much sympathize and understand your exact feelings.
Hang in there.
I wish that I could say that it will get better.
Hopefully, it will, at least occasionally, hurt a little less.
Try and hold on in there Erica.
My favourite saying is Shakespear's,'To thine own self be true and it shall follow as night unto day that thou cans't be false to others.'
The friends you find from this day forward are far more likely to be real friends because they will have met somebody much closer to the real you, that is Erica. They will know Erica and if they befriend her, they will not judge or condemn or abuse her. They will befriend you because you cannot be false to them. Many of us know of the hurt of parental rejection and, irrespective of the extent or degree of that rejection from disappointment to outright rejection and abandonment, it cuts deep; deeper than a dagger to the heart. Crying is vital to the healing process so do it, do it whenever the need arises for eventually the tears will mend the damage.
As Erin rightly says, we all feel for you but the singular cruelty of the internet is that we can feel each other's hurt through words but find it hard to help in the healing except through those same words. I also wish I could reach out and hug but distance is the cruel divider.
Hugs.
Beverly.
I have been exactly where you
I have been exactly where you are, at 17 years old I moved out of my parents home. When I told my parents my situation and my aim my mom got violent and tried to strangle me. I think she was just thinking she could shock me out of it.
My step-dad basically said I wasn't welcome in HIS home until I got a grip. I was working part-time and only got around £40 per week, my rent benefit was messed up so I ended with over £2000 debt after my one year tenancy.
Living on my own with no family or friends, practically no income, threats to my safety and trying to transition was the hardest thing I ever encountered. Sadly after a year trying to transition I caved in from the immense pressure.
It was the worse mistake I made but I had no real choice. Several years later after a failed marriage and untold amounts of stress I tried again.
I'd moved back with my parents and again my step-dad put his foot down. My mom had mellowed, she had started to understand towards the end of my first transition. I planned this time, my employer gave a series of talks to explain and as my mom worked there it helped her.
Still my dad said I couldn't transition under his roof. Eventually I moved out again and my step-dad eased up, mainly because of seeing Nadia on big brother.
Things improved but not much, eventually after years my parents came round. I'm my moms little butterfly and dads princess. We share a great relationship now.
I't took a long time filled with, pain, heartache, tears and worse. I've seen my darkest hour, hungry, sitting alone and friendless in a cold empty flat. I considered the worse but refused to surrender to it. I never thought my parents would come to terms with my transition, I'm lucky they did.
Don't give up hope, it won't always be this way. Sometimes, especially with those close to us it takes time for them to process the situation, even years. It took my parents and the rest of my family years to begin to comprehend just how living to their ideals was hurting me.
I'm not saying they will or won't come around just that it can happen. In the meantime do whatever you need to do to make you happy and comfortable. If they contact and ask questions, be honest but never push. You know the people of BC are behind you.
Big hugs
Lizzie :)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
Look at your life and FIND a ray of sunshine!!!
Erica,
We all have dark times, one does NOT compare with another, they are each unique. Survival DEPENDS on being able to get through the darkness. To do that you NEED to have something to hang on to. I created mine as my online name, when things look dark for me, I have a constant reminder than 'this too shall pass'. Your challenge is to find YOUR anchor of light, to have when you need it most. BTW - Friends, REAL friends, even if they are online, are INDISPENSABLE.
with love,
Hope
Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.
I should be in one of the wosrt times of my life
but I'm not. Two messed up SRS surgeries, unemployed, several of my kids say they love me but never want to see me. Yet I'm at peace because I'm moving forward and becoming who I need to be.
I spent 8 months thinking of just ending it, the worst just after coming out to myself, accepting I could die then as a man or become a woman. I was 55 years old, had lost my parents and siblings years before. 40 years wasted.
I will tell you what people told me, and found to be true. It gets better, much better. Hang in there, follow your dreams, and do what you have to do. Look up local support groups, no one truly understands except another transperson.
Find your peace, and try to be happy.
I wish i lived near you, hon
I would come over with the biggest huggle you've ever seen, with moisture-absorbent shoulders to cry on.
But all I can offer you is a virtual huggle, and this little reminder: No matter what the people who are related to you by blood say or do, you DO have a family.
And it's right here.
Us.
Hugs
Feel very free ....
.... to contact me.
I have a lot of experience in this area.
I bury myself in projects but that doesn't mean I cut myself off from everything.
You are already in one of the caring communities that will bring you some ease.
PMs here work.
Here is an offered shoulder
Julia
You Can't Lose
Erica, if you lost your parents over this, then you never had them in the first place. You can't lose what you never had.
Don't blame yourself. Some parents are so completely narcissistic all they care about is how they'll look to the neighbors. There's not an ounce of love in their hearts for anyone, unless it's buried under ten tons of social anxiety, denial, and selfishness. The only thing their children are to them are possessions, not people, not people to love, just possessions.
I'm a big fan of Dan Savage and his writings on dealing with the rejections and phobias of parents. The only weapon you have in the situation you're in is your presence in your parents' lives. He advises similarly situated people to let your parents know you will have nothing to do with them unless they can figure out how to treat you with respect. For those who are gay, he says to give your parents a year, during which you'll visit, etc., for holidays, whatever, but after a year if they haven't shaped up, cut them off. In your case, you'll have to judge if you want to give them any time at all. But, do tell them the score, even if you have to write them a letter. And be brave about this.
The "It Gets Better Project" is a wonderful thing for younger people, encouraging them with tales of success told first-hand by people who had a rotten time coming out. There is so much hope and promise in these stories, I found great inspiration even though they don't apply to me at all. As humans we are remarkably resilient. We build our own communities, find our own happiness. It may take a little time, but eventually.
Be positive, be hopeful and live for tomorrow!
Meanwhile, I think it was sweet that that state trooper didn't want you to be alone until he was sure you were okay. Most of us feel the same way.
More proof of Callahan's Law
"Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased -- Thus do we refute entropy."
Your blog was the perfect way of dealing with this pain. I hope that you find your pain lessened.
Hello Erica
We have never commented to each other but when I read this I had to comment.
I was where you are 16 years ago. I came out as trans, my wife kicked me out,
my kids wouldn't talk to me!! I was fired from my job. I was attacked and beaten
by 3 men, just because I was trans. I was lucky I lived!! But I had my community
to support me. We helped each other and cried on each others shoulders. They gave
me the courage to go on. And you know what it did get better. My wife and kids and
I reconciled. I got a good job (that took almost 3 years). I was able to have my
SRS(my companies health plan paid for it). Now I am living as my true self, i am retired
and starting a new career as an artist. My point is to take advantage of your support
community. The people here are great at that!! I will PM you my phone number If you want
to talk about things!! Hang in there we all are here for you!!
Hugs,
Pamela