I had to spew this somewhere, and this seemed the most likely place to do so.
I am totally freaked out. After 7 years since my transition (as far as transition has an ending), i got introduced to a girl at work today. I introduced myself with my old name. The only reason I can think of is that her name sounds similar as my old one.
I'm really confused and freaked out about it. I've not done this a single time ever since i started my transition 10 years ago. Why now? And will it happen again? No, there are no regrets about my transition.
Anyone here experienced something similar?
Comments
I once signed
my old name on a letter or cheque a few years after transitioning. You're human, mistakes get made - learn from it, I did.
Angharad
Human? who told you i was
Human? who told you i was human? lies i tell you!
uhmm.. thanks. only think i'm afraid of is that by being more consious of it the next time, my old name will actually be more prone to be said, just cause i'm thinking of it.
Thanks for the encouragement though :)
Amber
When I am very distracted
and in a hurry I occasionally start to go to the wrong bathrooms at work. Then, like a cat, I look around to see who saw me. So far no one has. So it didn't happen, it is a figment of your imagination.
I know it doesn't contribute
I know it doesn't contribute anything, but that comment reminded me of an old Simpson's quote
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove ANYTHING" (from bart)
xx
Amy
let me ask you a question
Why does it matter so much?
You are you no matter what name you use. True most people probably wont believe your your old name anymore but still does it really matter?
I mean it could be worse.
Why it matters so much?
Why it matters so much? because I don't understand it. There's been times in the last 6 years I actively had to think about what my name was before all this. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere i blurt it out to someone i never met before. I know I'm not stealth, nor do i care a lot about that. I am me.
But this was so out of the blue that it confused the heck out of me. I've come down out of the "freak" i was having before, and now it's not much of an issue. But still.. what the heck?
And yes, it could be worse... it could be raining. ;)
Verrrrry Interesting!
I think there is something about that woman that made you want to relate to her in a way that your old name would be more useful, so out it popped!
Attraction is a powerful thing. It's subliminal. It's overt. It's sneaky. It's overwhelming. It makes fools of us all.
The thought that would go through my head...
...is "Do I, on some fundamental level, still think of myself as (male name)?" I'd wonder if it somehow meant that I identified, at least subconsciously, as male, which would mean my transition is based on a mistaken belief. The belief that I have a female mind. And if my fundamental premise is wrong, do I have any right to continue transition?
Am I correct in assuming, Amber-Willow, that you were thinking those thoughts as well?
I haven't mistakenly used my male name since early in transition, but I have found that even after fifteen years, I still haven't quite become accustomed to being called "ma'am" or "miss." Whether it's because I don't think of myself as a "ma'am", or feel I don't deserve to be called "ma'am", I really couldn't say at this point.
My counselor explained it to me this way: I spent the first 37 years of my life as a man, and I've only been Rachel less than half that long. My male past is, unfortunately, a part of me, and it's not something I can simply jettison and pretend was never there.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
I admit, that too was part of
I admit, that too was part of it.
That added to the confusion i felt at the moment.
After the contemplation though, I am very glad to say, I have not made the wrong "choice". I feel better now then I ever did before. The mask is gone and there is only me left now. No, as much as I'd love to say, that me is not 100% woman. But it's way more then 50 procent, color me somewhere along the 75 percent and you'll be pretty close.
No regrets, no wrong choices.. but enough masculine tendencies (and leftovers) that a mistake like caught me off guard.
30 years plus versus 7?
So you had a name that you carried for god knows how many years versus having a name for seven years that more accurately reflects who you really are.
It's just a name, a personalised label if you like, but something you grew used to over a long period of time. It doesn't define your gender or self, its just a useful reference point.
Two quick thoughts
1. Ask anyone who's served what their regimental number is and they will recall it with absolute clarity pretty much instantly. No matter how long ago, or for how short they served. It gets ingrained into you.
2. Look at the name Frances/Francis. Same pronunciation, almost identical spelling. Gender tags are what Society assigned to them, not the individual.
Persephone
Persephone
Non sum qualis eram
Freaked out?
Um so my birth name was Gwinn, so when I transitioned, I changed it to Gwen. No big deal right? So then I became Muslim and changed to Khadijah, for almost 7 years. Even when I returned to Christianity, I still liked Khadijah and planned to keep it.
Americans are pretty stupid and really pressured me to resume my old name, Gwen.
G
Sorry no.
I hate my birthname i hated it before and i still hate it after 15 years
Dayna
I don't hate mine...
I just never really strongly identified with it. I identify with my nickname, part of why I kept it as my new middle. Oddly I also still identify pretty strongly with my old internet moniker of "SlicerSV" which was originally based on a very male character... Though in some ways there's more me in him than I'm even now completely ready to let out freely. And even though I've USED the name on some games, I DON'T really identify as his brother, Viniece... Who in basically EVERY way represents the construct I'd built inside my mind to hide within.
Curiously I do identify pretty strongly with their sister, Yulanaia, even though I've REALLY only used that name in games, and actually kinda invented her on the spot FOR my first ever MMO, and first time EVER presenting as female to anyone at all, even if it was only in an MMO and most people knew it was a "guy" behind the character.
Honestly if it wouldn't've stood out waaaaaay too much I'd've quite strongly considered taking that name... legally...
And wow... Now I think about it, the whole Searth series really was kind of an allegory to my own internal strife... That... Puts a new perspective on that... Something I did without having the tinsiest idea I was doing it, too. Also explains why that story was at times so easy to write and at times so painstakingly hard to extract the tiniest bit of.
That realization actually ought to help the rewrites...
Abigail Drew.
Names
I've only been Janet for about three years so far, and I have yet to accidentally introduce myself as my old name, but. . . every once in a while I catch myself looking when someone yells my old first name. . .
Now, I HAVE accidentally started to sign a check with my old name or absently start to add the sufix. . . Still illegible whichever name I use, but the suffix is pretty obvious.
I once introduced myself as
I once introduced myself as High Lord Landing Thalamus Tiberius Nomanus the First of the Great and Majestic Empire of Telleke'aluhaw'relutootoo may he reign for a thousand years, amen.
I was soooo embarrassed, I just don't know where that came from! :P
What did you eat?
What ever it was really made you flatulent!
:)
G