This came up at counseling yesterday:
There was a time when I was little, probably 8 years old. One of my responsibilities was to go to the grocery store. In New York there is a grocer every other corner so not odd at all. As happens with a lot of little children I got tempted and did something wrong. I tried to steal a pack of gum. I got caught.
I was a sensitive kid. I would fall to tears at any harsh reprimand and I really did aim to please. So what happened in consequence might affect me more than it did others.
The lady at the store called my mother to tell her that I tried to steal.
I was already home when my mother took the call. My biological father was sitting in the kitchen (you got to realize that if you added up all the seconds I spent with dear old sperm donor it wouldn't equal 24 hours).
My mother was furious. How dare I? She grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me across the kitchen floor. She turned on the stove. In new york you hear the stoves light. Click, click, click, swoosh as the gas ignites.
I look at my mom, just pure anger.
I look at my biological father, indifference.
My mom pulls my hand closer and closer to the flame. Close enough for me to feel the heat, but not so close as to burn me.
"Your lucky your father is here, next time you pull that shit you won't be so lucky."
I look over to my biological father. He just shrugged, kind of like saying "What do you expect me to do."
And that was my life. No one willing to take a stand for me.
---
I think what bothers me most was a) My biological dad was there b) he didn't act or react.
I feel so ugly and worthless now. I hate the way I feel and part of me even hates myself. When am I going to deal with this bullshit and pack it away for good.
Comments
holds you tight
the only thing that might help is knowing that its in the past, and now you have an awesome guy who loves you, as well as successfully begun a transition. Holds you tight for as long as you need it.
His inaction sent a very strong signal...
...I know what it feels like to both receive abuse AND neglect in the same moment, though in my case it was the opposite as far as my parents in that. I've never felt worthy or confident, and I literally avoid looking in the mirror for all the self-loathing.
But we both... many of us, in fact, face the same situation. The nature of the problem we endure comes with an absolute guarantee that we have no guarantees regarding memories other than that dreaded feeling like you have in the night; you know you're going to get sick, but no amount of wishing will get it over with and no amount of praying will keep it away.
I hate the way I feel nearly every day, but I know I'm more than what and who hurt me, and I know you know that as well. We just need a reminder from time to time that we were created, and for a purpose that goes beyond anything we might endure. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
P.S. I am so excited about the stories of yours that are being newly featured here. Thank you for saying in such personal words how I feel. You give voice to my hopes.
Love, Andrea Lena
Your parents created your past...
But you create your future! And from what I can see you're doing a good job of it. Look forward, Katie, not back. Easier said than done, I know: But you're a wonderful and special person who deserves more love than you were given...
God bless you,
Ole
We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!
Gender rights are the new civil rights!
When?
That's up to you. The crap that happened to me as a child is still there, but I've absolved myself of guilt. I'm not the one that did the unspeakable. You aren't either. Yeah, you did something wrong, but what happened to you is something you had no control over.
Had I done what you did I would have gotten a couple of good swats from my father. (This was back in the day when a good spanking (not brutality) was the defacto standard punishment for a misbehaving child.) Your "parents" went far beyond the acceptable standards. That was their fault, not yours. Remember that. Abusers always try to blame the victim for the abuses. If you let them throw that on you you are continuing the cycle.
You have to forgive yourself.
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
You can't change the past
but you can change how you feel about it. Your counsellor should be able to help you work through that and to move on.
Remember, we can't be responsible for what other people do only our own reaction and response.
Angharad
ut's proper place
We are putting things in their proper place. I hadn't thought about this for years and it just cropped up.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
Comfert and Caring
As much as this pains me to say finding this out is a very good thing for you. The question for this is what can you do with it to free your self of the emotional emotional entanglement form this occurrence.
1] Forgive your self for being as kid who made a mistake like any other of 200 + billion kids who went before you.
2] Accept that your parents were jerks and wrong to punish you like this. The caveat is they were treated the same way and may have receaved the same punishment. It never makes it correct to do this for the reasons you are no unearthing with your personal Archeology. It takes real guts to face this because it is your inner child doing it. You need to envision your inner adult to reach out to this child and comfort them giving them protection now. Tell your inner child that you will be there for them when ever they need you, then try to dissolve the grip this incident has on you, by seeing you are now in control and no one can do this again.
Echheart Tolle has a phrase of "I do not have much use of the past." It took me years of doing my own digging around to discover how true this statement is. Do not bury it understand that your child is now protected by you. You has there back and will stop others from doing this again. Then as you slowly gather strength cut each of the entanglements letting the emotional blood drain out of them keeping the memory only as a preventive of it happening again but letting go of the fear, shame , guilt Etc Etc. I have been here to and like the saying goes " Been there done that Got the closet of T shirts." then we need to move on and get the best revenge for this type of thing Living a Good and Happy life. You are worth it.
PM me any time I will reply as fast as I spot your Email. Remember we love you and care for what happens to you. Please Please reach out to us we will reach back.
Again I am very sorry that such a good person as your self has to carry such a hurtful bit around in your life.
Huggles and love
Michele
Love
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
We are family!!
Katie I am sorry you had to go through that. You were just a child and what she did to you was inexcusable!
I think a lot of us here have gone through bad things in our lives.
Mine did not happen as a child but after I transitioned. I was attacked and beaten by 3 men, just because I
was trans. I was lucky I survived!! That was 14 years ago, but I still have nightmares. But I didn't let it
stop me from living my life as my true self and being happy!!
Ours is a small community in comparison to society! But those of us here care for each other. I think of all
of us here as my sisters and brothers!! When one of us is hurting we all come to their rescue with support
and love!! If I can help, just let me know!!! I will do what I can! I may not be able to solve your problem,
but I can give you my love!!
<3 Pamela
I don't approve of what your mother did
But remember she was careful not to burn you. In her eyes it was probably meant to scare as a warning. As for your father, he might have reacted very differently if your mother had caused physical harm or pain. In those days few parents understood or remembered the sensitivity of a child. Maybe if you forgave them their mistake the agony you feel to this day would end.
My parents unknowingly did many harsh, cruel and abusive things to me but in forgiving them I realised they loved me but lived in harsh days and wanted me to be strong.
I buried them both recently after a long period of sickness ang giving two eulogies four weeks apart was quite an epiphany, one I am not yet over but am very thankful for. They were simply humans doing their best in hard times.
You dont
You dont ever pack it away. You accept it and heal your perception of it. And you stop using childhood events to explain adult actions. So nobody stood up for you. Big deal! That was a long time ago. Let go of it! As they say in the army. "Overcome and adapt"
I dont mean that in a macho he man style just to say... So someone abused you. Get therapy and keep moving forward instead of retreating back when there was someone to blame. Youre an adult now take responsibility and dont pack it away.
I saw a sign on a bus... It said "So youre father abused you. That was 35 years ago. What have you done about it lately?" It caused no small amount of contraversy but the point was so you had something bad happen a long time ago...what have you done recently to get past it?
Dayna
Oh lordy please accept this as the bucket of cold water it was meant to be. Not an attack in any form except the wake up.
Katie, BOTH of them over
reacted! You were a CHILD! Please know that you have a family here who loves you, as you are.
May Your Light Forever Shine