I really wanted to wait before I posted this until I understood it myself, but that is probably never going to happen. I don't think I have the mental capacity to wrap my brain around the issue and part of me is hoping that as a collective group we can come up with at least some theories why I am so fucking worthless that I deserve all the shit that comes my way.

I have an issue. It is a rather big issue that pervades every aspect of my life. I want to be abused. I'm not talking about abused in some sort of mutual S&M or BDSM kind of way, in fact, both of those are off the table. I want to be abused in the way where I have fantasies of being hurt. Like wishing I would get attacked by a gang or raped or hung or shot or have a big light post fall on me. It doesn't matter how, I guess, as long as their is pain involved.

Not only do I want to be abused. I expect it. I expect people to think the worst of me. I expect people are pretending to be my friend because they want to take advantage of me at a later date. I wait for the slight, for the put down, for someone to tell me how terrible a person I really am.

I also want to punish myself. I am constantly putting myself down and not taking care of myself (makes for some good self fulfilling prophecy). It is in interesting mix. Knowing I have talent, but belittling it. I know I'm not a popular author on this site, but I do tell wonderful stories with complexity and depth that a lot of other offerings are lacking (please don't feel this is a put down on other people's writing, it's not meant to be, it is solely an observation). I understand why I am not popular in my writing, and if I am honest, it is not because I suck at what I do, but because to read one of my "REAL" stories takes commitment and emotional sacrifice that those looking for escapism aren't going to find. I won two national championships in wrestling, but tell myself that I won only because I was at a small school and didn't wrestle division I. I have a degree but tell myself that all you had to do to pass class was show up. I am constantly doing things like that. I call myself a fucking moron or an idiot if I forget to throw a paper and have to back my van up to get them.

So what does this have to do with BC. I will tell you. I am beginning to wonder if me being trans has nothing to do with a desire to become a woman and everything to do with me wanting to punish myself. Isn't it the ultimate insult to any man to be emasculated.

I need to get a hold of this before I die sometime soon. I am lonely and bitter and hateful. I don't want to be those things. But, I think the main thing is, I am afraid. Afraid that one day I will die alone in my house and it would take months before anyone realized. Afraid that outside of a few people wondering where did Little Katie go, I won't be missed at all. Afraid that I have passed that point where you can't go back and make everything better. But, most of all, I'm afraid that if I allow myself to get close to others, I will be hurt anyway. It is one of those strange paradoxes. I want to be hurt on my own terms, when I am prepared for it, not when I am vulnerable.

Everything I write is much too long, thanks for sticking with me. I'm going to cry in the corner and reload the page every 20 seconds and complain at the lack of comments because it fuels this idiocy.