Life is what happens in between making plans and actualising them. Families are collections of random lunatics the universe throws together because they share some genetic material, friends are people we like.
My daughter got married last week, she went with her partner to New York and they got spliced in Central park. I've seen some photos and it looked really nice. It also means I've not seen either of my children get married. They did it for all sorts of reasons, the trip to New York, but part of it, rightly or wrongly, I suspect is to avoid having to explain me.
She's having a party and everyone is invited, I've just declined because it appears they haven't told his family about me, so I can't interact with my daughter as her proud parent. Hence my declining her invitation.
Ostracisation is something that happens to us, deliberate or otherwise, it still hurts. I've lost my son and with him my only grandchild because his wife doesn't tolerate or accept. I still have my daughter but I've lost out on so much of her life because I'm different.
Anyone who is proud of being transsexual doesn't get the whole picture. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not ashamed of something I can't control, but it has complicated my life and cost me the most precious parts of my family, and I'm relatively successful living and working as a woman, whether it has been worth the cost is another matter.
There is no Bike tonight.
Comments
Ostracism
I weep with you.
I've been there, and done that, and never did get the T-shirt. Life's a bitch, sometimes. It's just that I can handle it this way, and I could the other. So I can cope, but I weep for what I have lost.
It doesn't make it any better that there are others in this leaky boat. It's just that we won't feel so alone.
Be well, lady. We love and appreciate you.
Red MacDonald
I'm so sad for you Ang.
It's ghastly to be confronted with such cruel prejudices and I know it hurts. Look after yourself my lovely sorry I can't be there just to give a hug.
Bev.
X
P.S.
I deleted the picture tonight, somehow after learning of this, it seemed inapropriate.
Bev.
I understand and sympathize
Even though it's not much help. You're right, it's really hard to look at life and smile for most people-being TG does nothing to help that. I don't think it's a surprise to any of us that our suicide rate is so high.
All I can tell you is that in my way, I love you Angh.You have provided me so much inspiration and entertaiment that I'm embarassed to only offer a virtual hug.
Wren
I do so understand your feelings.
I am not going to tell you to buck up, because last month I was a sad, sobbing mess, all because of family. It is difficult to understand why others, family especially can not understand that which is so clear to us.
You have my deepest sympathy
Gwendolyn
I've no family
Because I was born with something INeither wanted nor needed, I've no family -partner or children. Life has been lonely but nothing I could do about it. I hope there's another because this one sucks.
S.
I'm so sorry for you,
I'm so sorry for you, Angharad.
Being different, especially being TG, isn't a boon, it's a burden. A burden made worse by family that will not or can not understand or accept.
Let me add my virtual hugs to those from other BCTS members.
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
Life's a bitch and then you cry.
I share your pain. I have seen first hand ostracisation of my best friend for being gay by the so called church that has since closed it's doors.
May Your Light Forever Shine
Condolences
My sincerest condolences. I'm so sorry you're suffering. I pray that understanding and acceptance continues to spread in the world. We've come a long way already, both in terms of the legal system and in public perception. There's so much further to go, though. The day might not fully come in our lifetimes, but it's happening, and it's the people who are persevering and living their lives honestly and openly who are making the change happen.
Several years before I joined our local Friends meeting, a long-time member came out to the meeting as mtf. Let's call her Agatha. The reception was pretty frosty from some of the other members, Agatha quit the meeting, despite the fact that several other Friends had struggled through their own attitudes and wanted to accept her. There were recriminations afterwards, and broken hearts at the loss of Agatha and the inability to take back the harsh words and to make amends. She had written off the meeting and didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. The day that I, a mere crossdresser, showed up dressed for meeting, I was faced with dozens of members anxious to make up for their past failure, in an outpouring of solicitous acceptance. The meeting not only had changed, they wanted to prove it. (Frankly, it was so over the top that they scared me, and that was the last time I went to meeting dressed.)
I realize interacting with people who reject you, or who you fear might reject you, is extraordinarily difficult. Sometimes, though, we change the world just by being in it.
___________________
If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is at least part of my story.
Sigh, sorry Ang
It's more than a little sad how many of us will have stories with a similar theme. The hurts both little and not so never quite go away even as we wander along mostly smiling.
Had a vague thought to do a TG rewrite of the Three Yorkshiremen, but I wasn't quite feeling up to it. Maybe another time. Take care huh.
Kristina
thoughts with you
Like wow, so sad all round, my thoughts are with you k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me
*hugs*
Families... So far, I've been VERY lucky. Not to say it's all been a walk in the park, mind you. But, I understand, I think, where you are and I wish you the best. *hugs*
Annette
Yeah...
*hugs*
Being TG or TS or whatever is definitely not anything to be proud of..... but being so and managing not to destroy ourselves is.
Abigail Drew.
No Words
I don't have any words that are up to it, so I'll just give the best virtual hug I can...
((((((HUGS)))))
Abby
There is no telling,
what the cost to any of us will be, or has been, for those of us afflicted by this TG thing. What, for some, is glory and sanity, and a new life... is for others, the loss of everything they held dear to their hearts.
What is, to some, courage in facing what we know to be true in and about ourselves... is really the acknowledgement that we have no choice in what we must do to be alive, to live as we truly believe ourselves to be. It isn't courage at all. It's the choice between two evils, neither of which seems to be the lesser.
As with the others, Angharad, I can only offer virtual hugs and words of encouragement, no matter how much I wish, with all my heart, there was more that I could do or say.
You have brought joy and encouragement to so many others, and you should be proud that you stood your ground, suffered the slings and arrows, and stood tall, knowing what you risked by doing so.
Families are, at best, curious things, whose behavior we can only hope to understand. To me, a family is what we make of those we know, and who know us and stand by us, no matter what. Your family, the one you chose, is here, with us. Your other family will either come to understanding, or they won't. No one can force it, nor should they have to. Only love can overcome, and sometimes, that takes time.
My hopes and prayers are with you now, as they always will be, that someday, maybe someday soon, they will realize what a treasure you are, and what a gift they were given by having you as a parent/mate.
Take strength in us, your online, family of choice and in our love and concern for you, and know we will ALWAYS be here for you.
Long ago, you gave words of comfort to me. With this post, I hope to return to you, what you gave to me. Hope.
God bless and keep you.
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
I'm so sorry they dont accept you
I hope someday, things get better.
Hugs.
In therapy today...
...we discussed my fears of rejection and loss should I come out altogether to my wife and son and perhaps the rest of the family. It's moments like this that I both envy and empathize with those of us who have stepped forward into that life; the balance between success and gratification and the horrible feeling of separation and doubts. You who have taken that step are truly heroes to me, and while my decision is no clearer this evening, I still have hope for Andrea. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your example.
Love, Andrea Lena
Life
God how it broke my heart to read what you have experienced....ofeering hugs & condolences seems so very small but it is all we can do to try & help you with the pain... all I can add is to say that The good Lord chooses our family but we get to choose our friends & you have many more than you realize.... May God bless & comfort you
I feel your pain, Angarad. I
I feel your pain, Angarad. I am lucky, having transitioned relatively young. Which means never having had the chance to have a family as a male. However my tenuous relationship with my dad makes me decline certain family gatherings simply to avoid conflict. I never asked to be transsexual. I simply am. And it hurts to be rejected for something we didn't ask for. Let me another hug to a woman I admire.
Lifes a bitch
I am sorry to hear that Angharad. I had something similar happen to me for my brothers wedding, just started transitioning, got invited months previous and was told everything would be ok, bought outfit just for day and day before got told that if I didnt come drab then I was not to come at all. Apparently they had not told my sister in laws family about me. So I can understand where you are coming from on this.
Samantha
Very sorry to hear that
Way too often, people attack what they don't understand. No idea why they can't try to understand.
If I had a BIKE I Would Ride It
Thank you so much for your post.
Over the years I’ve completely gotten you wrong. A mutual friend told me how nice you really are . . . and I just couldn’t see it . . . until now. My failings, not yours.
I love to watch poker on TV. Every other week or so they run ads from the casino owners telling people to “gamble responsiblyâ€. I always laugh at that in that gambling and responsible seems to be mutually exclusive. I suppose the ads are meant to convince people that casino owners have hearts. As if.
Your post caused me to think that many of us at Big Closet are playing with reckless table stakes. Many of us don’t have a choice but to bet everything on the small chance that the world will somehow be accepting. The compulsion to express out true nature is overwhelming. Yet . . . it is painfully obvious that we are doomed to be considered psychotic by some and selfish by most.
The world is drowning in its own fat. As a health care provider I’m sure it is hard for you not to be judgmental of the morbidly obese. The parallels seem many to me.
I can only hope that your daughter was thinking of your feelings as much as her own. Weddings are nearly unanimously horrid affairs of self-indulgence and chasing of perfection. The average wedding in the US costs nearly $25,000. That is obscene.
Your fears. Her fears. Your son’s in-law’s foolishness. It’s all soooo sad and complicated.
Being different is such a horrible thing. And yet, don’t we all want to be the prettiest, the smartest, the wittiest . . . at least to some small degree?
We’re compulsive in our comparing of ourselves to others. But are we honest?
Your post has a big dose of “Why me?†. . . and that’s perfectly understandable.
BUT HONESTLY . . . how many people have you met lately that you would trade places with. There’s Kate Middleton and . . . no one else I can think of . . . and she’s hounded to death and her in-laws are slightly nuts.
Only the really nice find us acceptable. The rest want nothing to do with us. Hoorah for that bit of self-extinguishing that leaves us with only those friends that are worth having.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Bitch and Cry
Me too...
Hugs, love, and blessings.
Beth
So sorry
to read this. What a bunch of hard nosed people that can shut their hearts like that. My parents would have done the same I think, and probably at least 2 of my 3 brothers, if not all of them. Hope long distance support will help a bit.
Dear Angie,
That really is crummy; and you are such a good, helpful, useful, nice person. I guess there is not too much one can do to influence others, family or not. Maybe even Gandhi would have had problems.
I often think I'm conceited or not functioning too well when I talk about myself, and I think I do it too much, but others here are, so I'll try not to worry.
I think I have a pretty easy, altho' useless, life. Most of my suffering and most of my problems are caused by who I am. I had some problems as a little kid and some transitioning, but my mistakes and pain are from problems with depression and not connecting to people, or feeling that I can't connect to people because of my Asperger's. (And, I guess, high functioning Asperger's usually doesn't bother those effected much[?])
My parents were WWII generation and tho' I hoped for more understanding, I guess it is just very unlikely for those of their time, screwed around by the great depression, both dads left their families, my dad starved a bit (I never heard details)...
I have a brother and sister, they're cool; my bro's ex and present wife are cool; I don't know about my sister's 1st hubby, but her 2nd is fine. I love Kim; people on our block don't know or don't care and many are nice.
I think, even if I were someone else and not trans, my ex, my depression, etc. wouldn't have made for a very good life, anyway.
In general, in the 1st world, the only bright spots I can think of is the increasing tolerance of HS/ college kids and the cool young parents, who, after taking few years to get their heads around the problem, recognize their trans children, help them and love them. It seems, if too many other things do not go wrong, T people will have a better time in the future.
Oh yeah! Abi/Theide looks great!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee