Sometimes, I get ideas in my head and I say to myself, I say "Keith," Keith is the name I was given at birth and the one I generally go by outside of online (otherwise known as real life), "this is brilliant and sure to work. Your problems will be solved and you can go on to whatever next big thing is on the horizon."

So, a few months ago, I hatched a plan. I saw how it was suppose to play out, and, like most things, I planned to see it through.

I decided to go to a counselor who specialized in Gender Identity things. I even told a person in real life about my struggles of believing I was female. I set up the appointments needed. Even went to a salon and got my hair done (I posted pictures in an earlier blog). I was going to ask for hormones and everything was set in motion.

Here is the issue. According to the way I viewed things. As soon as the opportunity to take hormones was available, that was the exact time I was suppose to back out. That was when I was suppose to realize that this whole transgender stuff was just a bunch of nonsense and that I was deluding myself. I would realize that I had let this little fantasy go on long enough and I would bow out of this game. I would stop coming to Big Closet, I would stop writing stories on transgendered themes, and I would go on with my sucky life but with at least a new sense of self. I would've stayed friends with a few people, well, probably just Erin. I wasn't going to announce I was leaving, I wasn't going to pull my stories from the site, I was just going to go.

But. I hate buts. I started taking the hormones. I didn't think I would go that far. I didn't leave the community. I didn't stop writing transgender things. In fact, I might be worst off than when I started. Before, I ruled out SRS, and it may be well out of my means to accomplish it, but now I yearn for it. I thought that by the time I was offered pills (which i hate taking pills as a general rule), that I would say, hey Keith, God gave you a penis for a reason. But now I am actually wanting to go further and further with being Katie. So I suppose I outsmarted myself here.

I don't know where this journey will lead. There are things I still need to deal with. Even though the hormones has all but killed my libido, I still have a problem with masturbation and my mind still goes to places where I know it shouldn't. I figure the masturbation is a coping mechanism, but I don't know for what and I don't know what to replace it with. Usually it helps me fall asleep. Maybe I need an Ambien.

Oh well, guess I'm screwed. I really need to shower and I have to head to work. I still feel like the Dunkin Donuts guy... except I get to say "Time to throw the papers." "I threw the papers."