Sometimes, I get ideas in my head and I say to myself, I say "Keith," Keith is the name I was given at birth and the one I generally go by outside of online (otherwise known as real life), "this is brilliant and sure to work. Your problems will be solved and you can go on to whatever next big thing is on the horizon."
So, a few months ago, I hatched a plan. I saw how it was suppose to play out, and, like most things, I planned to see it through.
I decided to go to a counselor who specialized in Gender Identity things. I even told a person in real life about my struggles of believing I was female. I set up the appointments needed. Even went to a salon and got my hair done (I posted pictures in an earlier blog). I was going to ask for hormones and everything was set in motion.
Here is the issue. According to the way I viewed things. As soon as the opportunity to take hormones was available, that was the exact time I was suppose to back out. That was when I was suppose to realize that this whole transgender stuff was just a bunch of nonsense and that I was deluding myself. I would realize that I had let this little fantasy go on long enough and I would bow out of this game. I would stop coming to Big Closet, I would stop writing stories on transgendered themes, and I would go on with my sucky life but with at least a new sense of self. I would've stayed friends with a few people, well, probably just Erin. I wasn't going to announce I was leaving, I wasn't going to pull my stories from the site, I was just going to go.
But. I hate buts. I started taking the hormones. I didn't think I would go that far. I didn't leave the community. I didn't stop writing transgender things. In fact, I might be worst off than when I started. Before, I ruled out SRS, and it may be well out of my means to accomplish it, but now I yearn for it. I thought that by the time I was offered pills (which i hate taking pills as a general rule), that I would say, hey Keith, God gave you a penis for a reason. But now I am actually wanting to go further and further with being Katie. So I suppose I outsmarted myself here.
I don't know where this journey will lead. There are things I still need to deal with. Even though the hormones has all but killed my libido, I still have a problem with masturbation and my mind still goes to places where I know it shouldn't. I figure the masturbation is a coping mechanism, but I don't know for what and I don't know what to replace it with. Usually it helps me fall asleep. Maybe I need an Ambien.
Oh well, guess I'm screwed. I really need to shower and I have to head to work. I still feel like the Dunkin Donuts guy... except I get to say "Time to throw the papers." "I threw the papers."
Comments
Your "concious" plan my have
Your "concious" plan my have backfired, but perhaps your sub-concious has got you exactly where you need to be.
you lied to yourself about quitting so you had the courage to start?
I have seen so many of us sabotage ourselves in so many ways, for instance being forever stoney broke so that theres no money to transition if we ever got the courage to try.
I was 34 when i realised i had repressed for most of my life, and after dealing with the repression realise i neede to transition and haven't looked back, and life has just gotten better and better, with the exception of being shunned by mum and 12 siblings, i am out and accepted in my community.
I wish you the best of luck and hope life gets better for you too.
hugs
Amanda
Not a self delusion.
You have come a long way in a very hard journey. But your truth is valid and trying to ignore it will only hurt you in the end. The truth is we as human come in more variety than just male and female some of us are blessed to part of each. Why God does things like this I do not know. Why did he make the Platypus, my guess is that it was a wild night, a bottle of brandy and Picasso. But only God knows.
Some of us need to take the chances we take to earn the peace we deserve by becoming who we are Katie and I am proud to know you through your excellent writing. Please PM me if you want to chat I will respond.
Huggles
Michele
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Is that so bad?
Is it so bad your plan backfired ?
I'd say that if you're ready to continue, then do so. Don't over think things and go the way you feel is better for you. Of course God may have made you male for a reason, I always wondered. Now I think God made me thisway so I could change and choose for myself. Build my identity on my own. It might be the same for you.
I'm not really christian by the way, but am looking for a spiritual dimension on my own.
Have a great day :)
Mildred
My plan backfired
Your plan backfired? HOW? You are here and ready for the next step in your journey.
May Your Light Forever Shine
your plan sounds a lot like mine
when I first came here I was still hoping that somehow I could make being a guy work, that I would be able to put away the drive to be Dorothy and everything would be just hunky-dory.
Guess it didnt work out that way ....
Hugs.