"These are the days that try men's souls." I don't know who said it but it certainly holds true for me in these last months.
My Mother is now in the End Game of Dementia, where they tell me there is no reversal to better times or more lucid thoughts on her part.
My bothers and sisters are all in town and seeing mom daily. Some of them cannot accept that this is their Mother and think that she is just going to turn things around and get much better and live for alot longer. They are just deluding themselves and cannot face or do not know about this disease of the mind that has been labeled Dementia, from all that I have learned over the past three years as she has progressed through the stages of this disease there is no magic pill or reversal of thought processes. It just disconnects so many things in the mind, with no going back to a previous stage or "getting better" as they so stupidly put it.
For the most part they have not been involved in Mom's care for the past years, as I have, She lived with me for the last 19 years and I saw this slide daily up until I could no longer care for her and she had to be put in a nursing home. I visit daily after work but once placed in such an environment there is no going back as I said before.
A couple of my siblings even have been so confused as to blame me for this condition that she now finds herself in...how insane is that !? My own Mother ?! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, if I had one.
I know in my heart that they just don't know, so they lash out at me, and that's OK... I know ...but it still hurts me very badly ..these things they say and the actions they have taken in these last months, lawsuits, restraining orders, vicious letters and emails..they all hurt me deeply can't they see that ?
Don't tell anyone but sometimes I just wish that it was all over and done with, and I could be left alone by all of them! Because that is what will happen in the coming months and years, they will just leave me alone. Sometimes that will give me some peace of mind but at other times I think that 'they are my brothers and sisters and I do want to have some relationship with them' but at other times...well just leave me alone ! Screams in my mind !
I cannot tell the future and wonder if what I have thought will come to pass, but in the mean time I live in the real world and will get though this time on my own terms and do what is best for my Mom. Whatever that may be. I hope to come out of this a stronger human and a better person,
yes indeed 'these are the times that try our souls'
Wish me luck and pray that this doesn't happen to anyone you love
Danielle_O
Comments
dealt with this with my grandmother
Its no fun. Make sure you're taking care of yourself hon. Hugs.
Loss...
...my wife and I were blessed with the opportunity to participate in the care of my mother-in-law, who succumbed in 2009 to Alzheimers. I think even with our help, we could not appreciate the effort and love and investment of energy our in-laws expended in her care on a daily basis. That you managed to do all that for your mother by yourself for so long speaks not only to your strength of will but even more so to your strength of character.
We helped as much as we could, but even at that there were many times that we 'wished it was over.' That is so human and understandable. And after all that to be thought of so unfairly by your family; so painful and heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss; the pain of rejection and anger by your family and the loss of your mother, no matter how swiftly or slowly her passing, you mourn the mother she once was. I recall what my brother says to me when we think of my own mom and my sister, and perhaps that can help you? "As long as I can remember their voice, I can hear them speak, and that helps." You have my prayers and my thoughts, dear heart.
Love, Andrea Lena
The cruelty of dementia
has to be experienced to be believed. I've seen so many elderly people and occasionally not so elderly suffer from it and cause such pain for their families. Each of these cases is a tragedy in itself for the individual and those who love them.
I wish you peace and fortitude to deal with this and the knock on effects it has on the family.
Angharad.
Angharad
love and hugs
love and hugs to you and your mother . life tends to kick the crap out of those who can ill afford it, but it makes us stronger my thoughts are with you
rues
I get it...
My and hubby's dear friend who lives with us and has for a decade now is losing her grip on reality. She nursed her mother through Alzheimer's until they had to put her in an institution because she was dangerous.
Now she's on that same slippery slope to the river Lethe, and she is properly terrified and can't do anything to make it better.
Hubby and I are in grief for our still living friend and we will care for her as long as we can. Until that day comes, we will love her and do our best to make her life as good as it can be.
Sometimes the only thing you can do is to make the one you love as comfortable as possible while they lose their world. As scary as it is for us to watch, you have to think about what it must be like to be them. They know they are losing it, they know that their world, who they are, is slipping relentlessly away.
I can't imagine a worse fate.
You have to deal with a few major problems
Wow, have I seen this before! I used to work as a nurses aide in a Nursing Home. First, people HAVE to have someone to blame. You are an easy target, my friend. There may be jealousy issues as well. I don't know your situation, but I've seen people who felt so guilty for their neglect that theym then blamed everything unreasonably on the person on whom they dumped the parent.
Dealing with the death of a parent does strange things to people. Where they should be coming together and supporting each other, their inability to deal with their grief leads them to attack each other. It's so sad, and you are in my prayers. Both in support of you, and in the hope that your mother passes easily and without pain. My sincere condolences, Danielle.
Much love,
Wren
Mom's dementia
My mom started this about a year and a half ago. My sister is the one most in contact with mom. I see mom fairly consistently once a week. The toughest part is that mom blames herself SUPREMELY for EVERY little thing that goes wrong. It's so hard to get her to let up and not let these little things bring her whole mood down. Then two minutes later she has forgotten the entire episode. I - KNOW - it makes me a horrible person but sometimes it seems it would be easier if she could just pass on and leave this mortal coil behind.
I'll crawl back under my rock now.and not bother you nice folks any more.
with love,
Hope
with love,
HER
Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.
I Got It!
My dad died of Alzheimer's at age 72 in '96. There are family stories of men dieing from doing crazy thinks in my dad's family. I think it might be a hereditary propensity toward Alzheimer's My mom has Alz now at age 87; she's amost completely gone mentally.
5 yrs ago I noticed some memory problems and saw my HMO neurologist. He said my problems are different from memory loss just caused by aging. Also, 25% of those similarly diagnosed have Alz in 5 years. Last year a different neurologist said the same thing. I think they don't want to pay for complex testing so they won't give a Alz diagnosis until one has dementia. Each year my mental problems have slowly gotten worse. I think I'm fighting it off pretty well with my diet, supplements and many hours of exercise; I think I also exercise my brain quite at bit buy reading and writing, reading and trying to understand some of the new discoveries in science and by designing and fabricating mechanisms, mainly bicycle parts.
I am bad, however, with human contact. I talk with Kim a little each day, but we are into and worried about different thinks. Kim won't take her antidepressants and just gives these opinions much of the time that I think disregard fact and reality. Other than that, I don't have any friends. It's at least partly my fault because rejection by people and groups is just stressful and it's happened so much that I'm adverse to putting myself in a situation where I would get rejected again.
On the whole, this doesn't seem to be making me more depressed than I'd be otherwise, still fairly depressed. It also doesn't merit suicide. I get frustrated some times when I can't find things, I lose stuff around the house and have gotten worse at searching for my stuff. If Kim tells me something I don't remember, I just tell her that, no big deal, it's just what happens. I think as this gets worse, I'll be dumber and just not care. All vertebrate, etc., life comes to an end one way or another.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Been There, Done That
My mother had dementia and so did her mother and mother-in-law. It is painful to watch, and scary to the victim. During the celebration portion of my wedding my grandmother told me she knew she was going through it. I may be going through it.
The quote at the beginning is from a pamphlet of Common Sense by Thomas Paine.
shalimar
Thanks
Thank You Everyone for taking the time to leave a comment. I'm coming to realize that this condition is more prevalent than I first thought.
I agree with alot of what has been put here, I'm trying my best to make this last transition as comfortable for her as possible. Some of my siblings are begining to rethink their attitude of me and what they have said and done in the past months. There is some small glimmer of hope in the tunnel of the future.
But still I have a feeling of detachment with what is happening to Mom and the actions and what is said by my brothers and sisters, I understand it ...the blame and recriminations they are just lashing out...still hurts,... but I get it.
I feel thankful for all the articles I have read and the stories some of you have written here. I will do OK but I will have to have time to let the pain pass,the grieving to slide out of me.
My Mom has to be first in my thoughts and she will have to be first in theirs as well.
Thank you all for being the stable rock in this swirling ocean of doubt and emotional turmoil.
Love to each of you
Give your loved ones a hug and tell them you love them
We don't know how much time we have on this earth and not saying "I love you" to someone you love can haunt you
Danielle_O
Danielle_O
"Life is pain, Princess ~ anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something."