I have stopped writing, I know I just posted a little while ago so people may not have noticed.
It is not that I don't have ideas, in fact I have quite a few. I have several story ideas in my head, but I can't seem to sit down at a keyboard and start my fingers dancing across the keyboard as I attempt to create literary music so I can gain the approval of this community. And it's not that I am mad at anyone even if someone had the audacity to comment on my atrocious grammar. Inside my head I have the idea for at least 3 different stories not to mention several novel ideas which have no TG elements in them at all.
The problem is I am fundamentally flawed. I think I have known this for quite some time. If I didn't deliver papers and shop at Wall-mart at 5 in the morning i think i would be an agoraphobic. I notice what I am doing, I know I am pulling further away from society and living mainly a virtual life. I view the world with distrust and I lash out in anger (i'm not violent, that would make me winded) and I do not like what I am becoming. I have no friends that I can call for a cup of coffee or just to sit around the house and watch TV or go to a movie. I can't even talk to my mother, she doesn't care. All she is worried about is the perceived 12k she thinks i owe her. But if I mention my pain, she doesn't even acknowledge I said anything.
The thing is, and I hate the fact that I know what it boils down to, I was abused as a child in so many ways that I learned not to trust. I built up elaborate defense systems to keep people at bay and now I am a captive in the fortress I designed. That's the terrible thing about me, I do things to be successful and damn-it to hell if it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.
I need to escape this life and there are only two ways to go about it. One, I destroy my own defenses, which may take more energy then I have and could leave me to go insane, or Two, I kill myself. What scares me is that I'm actually considering both. I find that my strength is waning. I do not make a difference and I should be so much more than what I am, but I don't see that improving. It almost feels like I'm wading in quicksand, where every motion is energy zapping and each step is harder than the one before.
This post started about me not writing. I just don't have the desire and writing was one of the things that brought me joy. Now I live in a darkened world and i don't know, maybe I'm not writing as a punishment to myself. Maybe I just need a different escape. Or maybe what I suspected about me is correct; maybe I am inherently evil and i'm living the life a very bad person deserves.
Katie
Taking up space that would be better used by a nice blender
Comments
You don't take up space!
we love you hon, and dont want you to go anywhere. Isnt there some kind of counseling you could get? Hugs and prayers from me.
Dorothycolleen
Don't let the negative people in your life win, Little Katie
You are not a monster.
You write about bad things that happen to otherwise good people but is is honestly done and worthwhile IMHO,
If you give up the realy bad people, like yuor sorry excuse for the womb you gestated in, IE your money grubbing mother, will win.
Your muse will return.
Please talk/email/see in person people you trust and work this down period out.
John in Wauwatosa
P.S. Plus we need to know what happens to Jenny and her friends/family as she becomes an adult. Maybe she and her puppy love stay together, get married and adopt kids or even med tech advances by then and allows her to be a real mother. Or not as the case may be but her story needs an ending. Though you left it at a good point for now.
John in Wauwatosa
Katie, you are not
Katie, you are not worthless. Seriously, though please get the help that you need. Abuse is no laughing matter.
Hey! You gotta stick around!
Elsewise you won't get published and get your book as a defining abuse book and get on Dr. Phil and then you won't be able to hand out the great big huge F-U to the assholes that have hurt and used you.
*Huge Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
WOW Don't be like that
Don't be like that it sounds like you need to sit down and talk to somebody I think you are just very depressed over the passing of your AUNT the 1 and only person who showed you love and cared about you , this is a normal reaction after a loved 1 passes. This page in life will turn and the next page will look brighter SO hang in Katie the sun will shine again . We at least the ones that count and write to you LOVE YOU & CARE ABOUT YOU even if we don't get to sit down for a cuppa with you -- HUGS & KISSES RICHIE2
Katie...
I know we've had our disagreements. But...
YOU. ARE. NOT. A. BAD. PERSON.
YOU. ARE. NOT. YOUR. ABUSE.
YOU. ARE. NOT. A. ROCK.
YOU. ARE. NOT. AN. ISLAND.
Please, open your heart, go to someone who can help you. Preferably a clinical psychologist if you can possibly swing it. Otherwise, go to someone you can trust for a good ear and compassionate heart.
For me, my greatest source of comfort is and always has been my Lord and Savior, but if it's not that way for you, try to find someone you can open up to. You're in a tough place right now, I've been there, I think most of us have been there at some point. Don't run away and hide deeper. Get help.
We may not have always agreed with each other, but I do generally like you and care about you Katie.
Please,
Abigail Drew.
PS: Oh, and for what it's worth, ever since our... argument... I've been beginning to wonder if perhaps I was misdiagnosed and the Ritalin merely enabled me to build a better fortress... I do think that experience was a necessary part of my life, and wouldn't trade it for anything, no matter how much easier, though.
Abigail Drew.
Shame and guilt....
...somehow you don't deserve good things; maybe even that you didn't 'deserve' to be rescued from the hell in which you lived, if you can call it that. The ones who hurt you didn't stop when they ceased to abuse, but abuse you even today. I can't help it, but your words have me weeping; feeling helpless to help you.
But I'm not helpless; so long as I draw a breath and live in victory over my own demons and my own hurts. You know that you are of infinite worth, right? That the creator knew you before you were in your mother's womb? That you are wonderfully made, despite anything that was done or said to you might infer. A treasure. Someone so valuable that your creator rejoices over you with great joy.
You have brought healing and the beginnings of change and hope to your reader; Jenny may be from your imagination, but your imagination is filled with strength and encouragement. I'm so sorry that you feel like you're taking up space. You fill the space of hurt and sadness in some of your readers with hope and love and warmth and joy, no matter how things may appear. I cannot thank you enough for the strength your writing has brought to me; knowing I wasn't alone and that I have one who knows how I feel. My prayer is that you may draw on the same strength and courage you have imparted to others. Thank you!
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
missed
katie, if you werent here i know you would be missed severely. life sometimes seems to get us down but i know somewhere deep in your heart you ARE a strong person. you put so much feeling into your stories. yes, sometimes you write about bad things that bad people do but that is the world we live in. pick up your newspaper or surf the internet. so please dont give up. look for help it is out there, but you have to reach out for it. keep safe.
robert
Oh Katie! Please stop hating yerself + feeling useless + wrong
Because you're worth way way more than you know. And when you do manage this, let me know how you did it because I got all the same self-loathing crap running in my stupid brain.
~~hugs, Veronica
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
Hi LittleKatie.
I read your sad story this morning and thought, what can I say to her!
I then had to go out for a moment and while driving past this church there was a big sign which said, 'Count your blessings not your problems'.
I turned around and came back to tell you this.
I have read a few of your stories and liked them. This Blog you posted was very well written also. You have the potential to be a great writer, if you try and believe in that you will be.
Now that's one blessing to count, don't think of any negatives just the positivies and you can't go wrong.
Now, promise me you'll think of something else positive?
I'll be rooting for you along with your friends at BC!
LoL
Rita
I'm a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.
'Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.'
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)
LoL
Rita
Why I am no longer writing
You have friends here that woud love to have a cup of coffee with you.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Helping Out New Friends
Aww, c'mon. Don't let that nasty blender kick you out! Show it who's boss and unplug it (it won't suspect a thing).
Also, since I'm new to BC, I definitely do not want to be seeing anyone leaving just yet! If you want to, try looking at your life like your own little story that you can shape and change at your slightest whim so that you can have your happily ever after. It's worked for me before and I hope it can work for you too.
Please feel better!
MyFictitiousLife
Hugs from British Columbia! :D
Evidently you haven't read my work
If you have read my work, you will see that I put my characters through hell.
Let's see, what have my character's gone through and would I apply it to my life.
Tammy (Christmas Diary): Mother lost child in pregnancy, father left. Nope.
Billy (Summer Time Pinks): Was born intersexed and forced to live as male. Nope.
Michael (A Different Kind of life): Had testicular cancer, lost gender to surgery, dad had a hard time adjusting. Nope.
John (How Life Can Change): Got into a car crash, parents decide to change gender during coma, mom turns incestiously crazy. Nope.
Jenny (God Bless the child, Growing Up Jenny, Finding Jenny): Born to abusive parents whose dad commits murder suicide, gets adopted by a cop and his wife, cop gets shot and almost loses his life, gets kidnapped and tortured. Nope.
Adoption of Little Orphan Danny: Raised in a foster home, get's adopted by rich lady. Maybe
Ritchie (No Greater Love): Loses the love of his life when she is murdered by her pedophilic step-dad. Dies in the end. Nope.
Adam (My Father's Day gift): Another one where mother loses a child in pregnancy. Nope.
Tim (A Love Like No Other): Wife died before hand and he dies in the end while transferring his soul into his friends stillborn daughter. Nope
Kevin (The wishing blanket) Gets tricked into wishing he was a baby. Yes, but not fair because the beginning was autobiographical.
So, as I see it. My writing is so depressing, one day i will be arrested for either manslaughter or assisting a suicide. Me not writing may be addition by subtraction.
K.T. Leone
insert witty comment here
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
Katie...
There's a need for those kinds of stories. And you write them far better than anyone else I've ever read. They're emotionally charged, somewhat depressing, but, at times, hopeful. There's almost always a tiny sliver of hope shining out from deep in the darkest depths of even your writing, if you but look for it.
At least, I see it,
Abigail Drew.
Abigail Drew.
Little Katie, yes your stories are often about terrible things .
BUT often times the hero/heroine DOES find some meassure of peace/happieness/hope.
For example in the tale where the unhappy young man is taken back in time to try and save the girl he had a crush on -- No Greater Love -- she is saved, her murderous step father stopped by the cops. The heroic boy the man once was dies BUT his spirt .... And the lovely girl who became depressed and extreamly fat probably won't get depressed and unhealthly fat beause her girl friend lived due to the boy's sacrifice. And though he died, did his spirit really die, no! The child survives with all their old memories -- though I think they are told the memories willfaid over time -- but with a new chance at life, likely a far happier and healthy one.
Most of your tales have some measure of hope, reward for sacrifice/pain in them. So it is ot all in vain.
You do bash your charaacters but good comes out of it.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I so agree with you, John (may I call you John)
...Katie's characters are hurt, not by her writing, but by the reality of pain and loss and grief that all of our lives endure. And I can be sure that whatever they do go through, Katie will be right there with them to see them safely to the other side. Escorted by a loving parent, for that is what she is and who we are to our creations.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Katie, if anyone believes you still have a lot to contribute....
...it's me. You are not evil--evil people don't give me the courage to become a member of an internet forum I'd wanted to join for years, but couldn't. Your stories changed my mind, because I had to let you know how I felt. It didn't seem fair that I enjoyed the works into which you poured so much effort, without contributing something as insignificant as a "Good job!" in return.
An evil person couldn't give me the courage to discuss--truly, *deeply* discuss--my trans issues with my family. You did, through your stories, by reminding me that even though there are intolerant people out there, that I should not automatically assume the world is swarming with transphobic bigots ready to hurl an insult--or a brick. There are understanding, sympathetic friends--and family members--in your stories, and those stories are anything but bits of cotton-candy fluff. They're slices of life from one who has lived it.
I can't pretend to know your pain, Katie--I was never abused. I can tell you, though, that the way you feel now is much the way I felt eleven years ago--afraid of the world, afraid to go out, distrustful of people. Based on my experiences in school, I grew up thinking there were two kinds of people--bullies and potential bullies.
I transitioned over 13 years ago, and moved to another state very soon after, because I assumed my family was embarrassed by me, and felt it best that I put some distance between us. As a result, I spent years alone. On the few occasions my mother and I would talk, I carefully tiptoed around the subject of my transition or avoided it altogether, not wishing to start a confrontation. Yet once we really started to talk, I found that my fears had, for the most part, been unfounded. My family is starting to show the first faint signs of acceptance, and I think that's because they see I'm more secure in myself--they realize that Rachel is here to stay, that I am in earnest. You, in a way, played a part in that, and I thank you.
I think you *need* to write, Katie. You might not realize it, but your writing is your way of confronting the horror you went through, in a way that blunts it enough to handle it objectively. And more importantly, I--*we*, here, need you to write. Your writing has value--and so do you.
Rachel
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel