This started out as a letter to anyone and no one — I’ve never had anyone I could write a letter like this to - but it turned into something else …I’m not sure what you would call it — an desperate cry — a plea for help — or just an aching heart yearning for love.

Letter from a Lost Soul

I know that you will probably not answer this letter back, but I had to tell you that I miss you and Love you. I had such a hard time accepting that you had gone. After I had spent so much of my life trying to find you, I’ve now lost you.

Before you came along no one outside my family had ever told me that they loved me and cared for me in the way that a person does when they are truly in love. Thank you for that. You could not possibly know how much that meant to me, I have yearned for that for so long and to have you say it made my heart leap. And when you did say it there was no pressure or demand, prompting or coercion you said it from deep in your heart.

I was so desperately lonely before you came into my life. I’m just as lonely and desperate now but at least I had someone actually say it to me once in my dull drab existence.

I remember so vividly the first day I saw you, walking down the other side of the street. Holding your bag with the negligent air of unconcern and with a carefree spring to your step. And later when we chanced to meet in of all places, that wonderful library.

Was it chance or was it destiny? Whichever it was I’m eternally grateful for it so call it what you will. Tucked away on the side street lined with tall full elms and oaks, the massive carved doors opened into a foyer from the past. Dust motes dancing in the sunbeams from the second story windows, marble floors gleaming with wax stretched to the darkly stained ancient bookshelves lining the walls. Old portraits hung above the endless shelves, showing glowering ancient codgers who may have understood young love when they were young. But certainly not when they had been immortalized on canvas in oils, and certainly not now that they were coated with a film of dusty neglect.

A place that normally is quiet and reserved with stately columns and stacks of bound histories of long dead people and events. I loved that place ever since and still meditate to that quiet set of corner chairs with the view of the lake through those old style rippled glass panes. If I close my eyes I can transport myself back there into my chair with you beside me books in hand, and a quick glance up will reveal your shining face broken by a smile that has brought joy and pleasure to my heart and soul.
Do I remember if the sun shone that day? Glancing upon your face to make it glow and shimmer. No I cannot tell you positively,…but I remember it that way and want to remember it that way.

I could get lost for hours just looking into the deep brown of your eyes, the way your cheeks dimple when you smile just seems so right and proper for the face that I fell in love with. When I smile back you lower your eyes demurely and then glance quickly up to see if I noticed. That you were actually looking at ME!

Yes I most certainly noticed and the desire in my breast leaped so high I wanted to take you in my arms and wrap you up in inside myself for ever. Keeping that wonderful feeling of being desired and wanted - feeling it envelope my insides like a soft warm cuddly blanket that you never want to get out from under.

Inside that wonderful cocoon of tender feeling, smothering me in the delicious warmth and sensuousness of our shared love, I felt whole and complete for the few precious moments that I could maintain this dream, yes a wonderful delusion.

For that is what it was just a dream - not real and not happening, however much I wanted it to, wishes don’t make real life situations happen. No matter how hard you wish them. Because wishes and prayers are just the same thing really, in your heart and mind you hope for something that will or will not happen by your actions in real life.
Sometimes I think to myself ‘what have I done wrong?’ or ’what is wrong with me that I cannot find someone who could and would love me?’ I’m not deluding myself or under any illusions of what kind of person I am. But still these questions are there, no answers come forth to explain satisfactorily why I’m alone at this time in my life.

The one thing that does stand out is that I am alone, not by choice or design. People who I have gone out with in the past have just been that, someone to go out with. There is no single reason why these didn’t blossom further, people are people, tastes change as well as views and expectations. I’ve been honest about who I am going into relationships and the end result has been of different extremes, everything from “I never want to see or hear from you again” slaps and punches usually follow that one, to “wow that’s some confession, but you aren’t right for my life at this moment, so see ya”. Some just don’t understand at all and then when trying to explain the hostility comes to the surface and they get offended or indignant. Trying to find that ‘special’ person has not proved to be a successful venture, sometimes I was the one who just gave up and sometimes it was the other person. But it all comes down to a simple truth lately it’s not easy being. And I’m alone still.

I cannot say that my life sucks. Because it hasn’t been that way I’ve had the opportunity to travel around the world and meet some fantastic people of many different cultures. And see things that many people only dream about seeing or see only in pictures or on television. I’ve been lucky too, I have a decent job, although it is sometimes a real drag and I have a house, not the greatest or a new one but what the hell.

I do take care of my mother who has Dementia, that sometimes is an impediment but she is my mother and there is no one else to take care of her and as long as I can do that and not put her in a nursing home then that’s what I’ll do. Because I made a promise to her a long time ago. And if you cannot take care of someone who brought you into this life and thereby keep a promise then what kind of person does that make you?

I will say this …I will not give up I will improvise, overcome and adapt. I’m a fighter in that sense, life is too short to give in too easily.

One of the members here suggested that I write this (you know who you are, and I do LOVE her so ..for being so positive and friendly and staying in touch after so long ) like a blog and just let it all go, from the heart. I’ve tried to do that and you can see that it rambles all over the place, over different topics and ideas. So I’m going to leave this in the blog area and hope that it doesn’t take up too much of your time reading the sad tale of yet another lonely person.

Semper Fidelis (always faithful)
Danielle_O