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Why Me?
Why Do I feel like this?
Why do I trust People that are not worth trusting?
Why am I the way that I am?
Why do I want to be what I am not?
Why do I need to be what I am not, already?
Why do I lose control of my life?
Why do I try, Why do I care?
Why am I a failure, Why am I a freak?
Why do I let my past control my future?
Why do I let my past control me?
Why do I keep living?
How can I change, how I feel?
Would others lives be better without me?
Would things, be better if I was the real me?
Would things be better without me?
Should I give up, Should I keep trying?
How do I change things, How do I keep going like this?
Can I make it to the end of the road?
How do I keep going?
There is only one way out,
I cannot find a person or a reason
Keep living this life of lies.
Where is there hope, how do I find the will to keep trying.
Is there hope for a real life?
Where do I find the hope to keep going?
I am tired, lost lonely and numb from living a life that has no meaning or use.
I am tired of hurting, trying,
being confused, trying to care.
I want to give up on this life, but what if there is a way to change it and be able to be the person.
I know that is deep down in my soul.
Why me?
Comments
It was the best of days. It was the worst of days.
So far this week, I had breakfast with my long estranged Son. I never thought I would live to see it.
Later, I was rejected by the stepsister who I idolise.
My roomate needed help this week and I worked for four days doing so.
In the mean time, I had no time to think of my own cares.
The feelings you have are part of normal life. Change what you can and try to live with the rest.
Two Advices
If you could concentrate all your will and effort to live your life to help others, it will take your mind off your troubles and possibly get you to feel better about yourself.
Sort of alternatively, or even at the same time, you could talk to a therapist, a gender therapist if you want to try that. You also might need antidepressants; your therapist could advise you about that and maybe refer you to a pshrink.
Thanks for writing this. People here can listen to do, befriend you, empathise with you, give advice and share your pain. Lots of us have felt or do feel the way you do. You are not alone.
I think that it is unlikely that you want to be what you are not in your brain. If you are transgendered then your brain is one gender/sex physically and your body or just your genitals or some of your genitals is/are of the other sex. I always thought that an arm, for example, is just an arm. It could look masculine if it have lots of hair, course skin, little body fat under the skin and hard, stand out muscles. All of those masculine characteristics can be changed/reversed. The movement the elbow joint allows can be stretched a little, not really changed, but that is not very noticeable!
If you need to transition, there might be a support group somewhere near you. Unless you already have money set aside, earning (or otherwise getting) the money needed could be a goal for you, something to plan and work for. OTOH, you might work for a company or a city that has good insurance that can help you, or you could live in a country, not the US, that has good, affordable medical care for it's people.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee