Yeah, I know this is sudden, but I just had a nice little chat with my dad. He said I can either cut my hair, or move.
I'm not cutting my hair.
(Edit: More after the break)
To put a finer point on this, I live deeply in the closet. My hair is the only thing I have that I can use to separate myself from being "male", and that ain't much. To cut it off is like asking him to cut off his penis.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll figure something out. I've been waiting for a sign that I need to move on with my life, and I think I just got it. If that's the way he wants it, that's the way he'll get it. He hasn't shown me an ounce of respect in years. It's always been his way or the highway, and that's fine. I'm through backing down and cowering.
Comments
Addendum: Talked to Mom
Suffice to say a lot of tears were shed on both our parts. It's not that she doesn't want me to leave. She doesn't want me to leave angry.
My dad and I have an extremely frigid relationship. He doesn't like to talk with me. He likes to talk TO me. He lays down his side of things, says "I don't want to fight, but", and then tells me how it's going to be.
And I finally had enough. Mom wants to help me get this sorted out, maybe wait until Spring, but I can't stay here another year.
The ONE upside to all of this is that she finally understands just how deeply my GID is. I think she 'gets it' that I'm not just a cross-dresser. I'm not brave enough to step onto that rickety bridge just yet, so soon after nearly putting a torch to the last one while I was still standing in the middle of it.
I'm not going to do anything rash. I'm not just going to pack a duffle bag and grab a grayhound bus to as far away as I can, but I need to live my life.
I am Zoe Marie Taylor, I'm a woman, a lesbian, a gamer, a writer, and a musician. That's who I have to be, if I'm ever going to be happy.
:-(
I'm heartened to hear that you aren't going to do anything rash Zoe but I dearly hope you can find a way to live your life as you who you wish to be.
You just make sure you look after yourself.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
How old are you?
I am old. I was kicked out a week after I graduated from High School. My whole life, since I met him when I was 5, it was a hair cut once a week as close to the skull as the clippers would take it. Until then. After that, I got a half inch, courtesy of the Army. Then after that I got an inch or so, per my wife, until I got thrown out again. After that I did not cut it for almost 5 years. It was almost to the middle of my back, both hairs. No, actually I did not have a lot of hair; pretty thin; but it was mine and I loved it. I just loved it more than anyone will ever understand.
It was April of this year that I let a Muslim girlfriend of mine talk me into going back to living as a man. Again I let someone else control me. I lasted almost three days and then I realized that I was either going out the 8th floor window or I was going to live as myself.
It's about 3 to 5 inches again; not enough to style; maybe by April? I'll never do it again! Even sitting here thinking about it makes me wonder why I did not just jump. It hurts too much to live through again.
I have learned on thing and that is only you can live your life.
Gwendolyn
Be brave and be careful.
Well done Zoe. You've made the first most important step, that is concluding you are what you are.
Don't rush your journey and DON'T TAKE SHORTCUTS. Make sure every step is taking you forwqards or sideways but never backwards unless you think you're in danger.
Good luck.
Beverly.
PS.
I am a Landlord in the UK who offers accomodation to 'homeless LGBT kids'. I do it through the proper channels so kids don't get abused and they find a sympathetic landlord who is not 'on the prowl'! They still have to find the rent though. Often as not it starts out as housing benefits until they sort themselves out.
Beverly Taff.
Growing old disgracefully.
About to go for a walk to clear my head, but
first I wanted to mention something that was part of my affirmation. It was an epiphany of sorts.
Just last night, I was telling someone that I didn't have the courage to transition yet. I wasn't sure of myself, if that's what I wanted. It never occured to me that, on a subconscious level, my hair was anchoring me to the feminine while passing as happily androgynous.
But when he said those words, "Either you cut your hair or one of us is moving out", I experienced something I never thought, never DREAMED I would experience.
I instinctively thought "I'll kill myself before I cut my hair" :-/
I am NOT saying I'm suicidal. I MUST emphasize that right now. I'm saying that I didn't realize how important it was for me until that moment.
The thought of going back to wearing my hair super-short "like he liked" literally turned my stomach, and it took talking to Mom, and blurting some things out, for me to realize the connection.
Anyway, going to go try and clear my head... I don't want to be upset. I don't want to leave angry, and suddenly find myself a burden on a friend or other family (My closest relatives are having their own major dysfunction right now too, so they absolutely cannot help even if they wanted to)
I want to do this "right". I just need to figure out what "right" is.
The subtext of what was said....
...either you die to whom you actually are or you are responsible for breaking this family apart. And your answer is that you would die if you were to deny yourself. You have my prayers and my deep admiration!
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
I died ten years ago. I'm just starting to realize it :-)
When someone I loved and dearly needed to support me tore my heart out and stepped on it repeatedly, I died emotionally. Things went downhill from there, and I brought it all onto myself, but that was the turning point.
The sad part is, I don't even remember the exact day, or time of the year anymore. I've been running for so long that I can barely remember what I was running from anymore.
Becoming Robin was my demon exorcism novel. It was so full of symbolism and of how I saw myself, but I changed the ending, in which Linda died, because it felt like an abrupt downturn from the build-up.
Everything built up to feel like she would be okay that just killing her felt... really, really wrong to me. It wasn't my demon novel anymore. It had grown into something precious with a life all its own. That's why I hastily re-wrote the ending.
The irony in it is that Linda represented my relationship with my Mom. Distant at best, "You know she cares, but she's never there", and ultimately, Linda's death represented my giving up all hope. You can guess what that means for Robin's dad's death years earlier.
Now, Linda is alive and well in the story, and back here in the real world, I've found myself building a tentative rope bridge, to further my bridge-burning/building analogy from earlier. Life imitates art.
Thanks, everyone. I really don't know what's going to happen, but I know that now that I know, now that I've said it, I've affirmed what I want, I can't turn back. I refuse to let myself backslide because if I do, if I compromise now, then I'll never be able to move forward with my life.
Zoe....for you....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YICLgFnCntU
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
'Drea you're a mind-reader O_O
I kid you not, this song has been running around in my head all day today. I absolutely adore this song, though I've never heard this version before (Previously I was partial to the Johnny Cash version, but this just userped it ;-)).
It's been a weird tradition for me that, whenever I reach a special milestone in my life, be it someone's death or what-have-you, I learn to play a new song. As soon as I finish writing "Robin", I'm going to track down the tab for this song because, honestly, it just became my anthem today.
*lots of hugs* ^_^
~Zoe
*a package of supportive hugs*
Don't be afraid to use them - there's always more.
It's sad that the situation has come to this. Hopefully, anything you or your relatives do from this point forward will be at least sensible... Hmm you said your dad is very autoritative, is he the oldest, or the only, child of the family? Just asking.
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Third of five, but old-fashioned
He's the third of five kids - the oldest sister, second-oldest a brother, one younger brother, and the youngest, their sister. They were raised in the Arkansas backwoods though. He was born in the 1950s, but 1950s rural Arkansas/Oklahoma may as well have been the 1850s. They farmed and picked cotton, no indoor plumbing.
Grandpa was a strict old goat, and Dad is, of all the siblings, the most like him.
One of my fondest memories of my gram before she died (who, by the way, knew about my GID: she never told me that she knew, and I never talked to her about it, but I just know she knew) was, after Dad started chewing me out about my hair.
She got this big, goofy grin on her face and said, "Well, all those pictures of Jesus have long hair!"
Dad's fuss is that I tend to shed sometimes. I keep it brushed or combed, keep it clean, but it's frizzy and sometimes a stray fuzz falls out. Somehow one got into his food. I literally have no idea how it happened, but he flipped his shit and yelled at Mom over it, putting her in the middle.
I can understand it bothering him. Hell it gets to me when I find my OWN hair in my food once in a blue moon (I can literally count the number of times it's happened on one hand), but this has been an ongoing battle since I was fourteen.
They made me cut my hair for my senior picture (class of 1999 :-)), and I've cut it exactly once since then, seven years ago. I was also going through a major purge at the time.
Anyway... Thanks again everyone. It feels good to just get it out of my system. I don't want to be upset, but maybe I do need to be upset. When I'm angry seems like the only time I feel motivated, before I shrink back into my shell, and I don't want to do that this time. There's not going to be any "compromise" wherein I back down completely. Not anymore.
Your Problem
I wish I was albe to take you in as I do have an extra room , but my brother lives here as well and he know nothing of my love for transgender mine or anyone elses HOPE it all works out for you and that dad see the light that you are a complicated person that needs love not heart ache
LOVE TO YOU RICHIE2
So, a little more good to come of this
It's a freaking huge weight off my shoulders. I was explaining to my best friend, the guy who's been through thick and thin with me since 2000.
In that time, I've never mentioned my gender stuff. I've occasionally hinted at it, but I've literally lost people I thought were trustworthy, open-minded, caring individuals after 'coming out'.
While explaining this whole situation to him, I couldn't for the life of me find a way to explain how this all came about, so I finally bit the bullet and told him the truth.
He then pretty much told me that he'd suspected as much for a long time now, and told me he was damn proud of me for having the courage to want to live my life rather than someone else's.
Really brightened my day.
Planning
As far as things go, you're quite fortunate in that you're setting your own timescale for leaving, rather than having the timescale forced on you. This sounds obvious, but take time to plan and find suitable accommodation within your budget. Don't forget to add utility bill costs to your calculations and the cost of a phone line / net connection. I don't know the processes for securing rented accommodation where you are, but in the UK most agents expect about £150 in administrative / legal fees (90% of which is probably profit for them!), one month's rent up front as a deposit, plus the first month's rent on the day you move in. So essentially they expect you to have access to up to 2½ months worth of rental money before you even step over the threshold.
When you eventually move in, it's a good idea to take a friend and pen / paper / camera, so you can check off the inventory and make a note of any existing damage (so when you move out, the landlord can't charge you for pre-existing damage!)
But hopefully, once you do eventually move in and get settled, you'll be able to devote more time to discovering yourself and taking another small but significant step on that journey.
Good luck!
(Hmm...the above is formatted as big and strong - make of that what you will...)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Hey, it's your hair, and
Hey, it's your hair, and you're an adult. If he doesn't like it... that's his problem. I'm glad to hear you are not going to give in. Look carefully before you leave and don't just jump at the first place you find.
Hugs
Brute
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue
This is not a plug
If you read my longest story, from the start Steph fights to keep her hair. As a closeted transwoman, it is the one way she has left to her to be feminine in public.
If I did not understand that need, that absolute necessity, I wouldn't have written it. You are under no obligation to explain, nor to justify.
Huge hugs.
I can understand it
When I was 9 or so it was, again, time for Summer haircut. By my dad. My dad loves me but he is cheap so every Summer he would give all the children - two boys and one not so much :). However, he is definitely no stylist and since it is cooler, he gave us all crew cuts. However this time I just about snapped and I literally just barely avoided punching my father and mother out as it took both of them to restrain me from trying to punch him. Now being so young, it was not hard to restrain me but it startled them since I was always a very even tempered kid.
Luckily my second oldest brother took me to a real hair cutter - no crew-cuts - and it was a bit better. However, the day I got my freedom and moved out of my parent's home, the days I would spend as a guy were numbered and 3 and half years later I transitioned full time.
Give yourself plenty of planning time to get yourself set hon.
Kim
Zoe
I find this horrifying - to hear this. I hope that you can find a good place for yourself, and
that you can come to terms with your Dad as well. Perhaps it is an opportunity, as you suggest.
I don't like TG stories with Tragic endings. One of the only ones I ever read, that I felt had
some substantial merit, was Zoe Burgess 'Their Reaction.' Somehow it struck a chord with me, as
it has to be the perfect diametric opposite to the fiction that I write. For years I read it,
perhaps every twelve to eighteen months, and I always felt such a sick hopelessness afterwards.
Family should be the ones you can count on the most, which is why when it goes badly, it can seem
like it's the whole world at once. And, I think that's why I reread it once in a while; because,
who you are has to be the most important thing for your own life, but then again, keeping the
relationship with your family is usually better than not.
I don't think that Zoe writes anymore. She transitioned, and was very happy to go into criminal
Forensics, where she just works very hard, happy to be herself. That was some years ago now. On
it's merits, I would have to say that that was one of the best stories I've ever read, but I could
never recommend it. It just hurt to much.
Instead, I'll just say, Zoe, that I very much hope that you find a way to be just as happy as
my other Zoe, and that your happiness can extend to your family as well. For me, it was easiest
to hand them my stories, and say: "Here. This is the person I am." I was a thousand miles away,
at the time, and I have a wonderful, wise, and very loving family. I still recommend the thousand
miles though. Not for the distance, but for the time it gives families to think about things, and
then only when you are sure the time is right.
Good luck, Zoe. Take good care of you, too. You really are important to this organization.
Sarah Lynn
I like your idea about the distance, Sarah!
Perhaps that is what I will do. I plan to finish my degree in elementary education, and I had been considering finding a position somewhere in New Mexico or Arizona. I think if I can get it all to work out, then I could let them know who I really am, and let them get back to me with their reations. Wow, that lifts a big load off of my shoulders! Thanks, Sarah!
Wren
Distance
Ideally, I dream of moving to London. It's such a culturally rich and beautiful city. My afforementioned best friend vacationed there last summer, and now wants to move there the second he finishes his teaching degree.
For myself, more and more I find myself wondering how much of (running a) business is about attitude and education, and how much is just plain natural-born talent.
I'm terrible with math, and spreadsheets make my liver quiver, but if the skills could be learned/overcome ... Who knows. :-)
To Sarah, I've said much more in private already, but I just want to reaffirm how much your support means to me.
Really, all of you mean so much to me. The outpouring of moral and emotional support is so overwhelming. I love you all so much.
London
Is a dirty, dangerous and incredibly expensive place. It is also wonderful and rich in surprises. I have moved about a lot, hoping that each new place is THE place, the one where I will findmyself, but I always find my passengers have moved with me.
If you want any advice on the place, just ask (I live a thirty minute train ride from the centre)
Zoe, I don't understand it.
I cannot believe that the person I turn to when my life feels so down is dealing with this. It sounds like Dad over reacted a bit, but with no real relationship between you two, he just fell back on the way he would treat a stranger, and that is so sad. You are a wonderful person and writer. I truly wish he could see that.
I can sympasthize, although my circumstances are completely different. I have "come out" to some people, including Dad and my wife, but some of my family...let's just say that they may never know who I really am. They see me as the Big, Comfy and frequently crazy brother, everybodies biggest support, and part of me is just that person. What they don't know is that the real me is a young girl who is trapped in this freaking ugly body, and is just waiting...
Be yourself, Zoe. Anything less is a betrayal that you will deeply rgret. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to reach an accomodation with you father, but rather that you should give a look to all options.
In everything, though, do them with an eye towards becoming the real, happy you. I send my love, and my prayers for you. You may have noticed that many people care about you. Add me!
Wren
On The Plus Side
On the plus side, if you can manage to move out and achieve a degree of financial independence, which had always been my goal, although I didn't achieve it until I was almost 25, your relationship with your parents will probably change, and for the better.
But, whether or not that changes, your life will. I had a blast, being single and having my own apartment, and new friends who were in similar conditions to mine. Yeah, there were some lonely days, and some scary ones, but they were well worth it for the other benefits that came with being independent.
I realize these are much crappier times economically, but I wish you the best of luck, and much success in making a go of it!
___________________
If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is at least part of my story.
Life lessons
One of the things I learnd (the very hard way BTW) during the last 20+ years since graduating from high school, mairrage, single parenting two kids and now divorce, is that running away from something without having a goal, or a place to run to, will just create more pain. I am so glad that you have resisted the temptation to just run away. As others have said before me, make sure you have a plan and then go for it.
Wishing you all the best with the rest of your life.
Jessica
Time
Hun I think it is time to move on I know haow it is hun I can't be my self at home eather Sweety I have no support I always have to get my hair cut then agin I'm trying for a profesional job (fire/EMS) So...:(. Anyway enough about me this is about you I think it is time to cut your losses and run. Maybe you can find a friend who is TG or supports TG people to live with & be your self once and for all.
Love Samantha Renee Heart
Love Samantha Renee Heart
Interesting turn of events
So, the folks might have found a place in town. That means a few things for me.
Assuming we can close on it this will put me in a better position to get used to quasi-suburban life again, AND it's less of a financial burden on all of us, allowing me to start putting back a little money for when I can make my own move.
Just wanted to post this little update, but I didn't think it was really worthy of a full-blown blog post :-)
~Zoe
Fingers crossed!
Yay! That sounds ideal as a stop gap before the time is right for you to move out. Fingers crossed it all goes through Zoe!
It always strikes me as ironic that people like me living in densely urban areas (population 120,000+) think country living is idyllic ignoring the downsides to small rural towns. I hope you get your shot at quasi-suburban living.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."