Well, this has got to be a giant red flag.
I remember reading somewhere that the human heartbeat cycle has a weakness such that if the heart receives a blow at just the wrong instant in the cycle it will stop beating.
Well, I spent a solid five minutes hitting my own chest trying to make my heart stop beating.
At church tonight, someone mentioned she and her partner were celebrating their second wedding anniversary and... god damn it... I just... couldn't help being reminded of what I am no longer able to even believe I will ever have.
I am so tired. I am so tired of this fucking pain shit. I am so tired of hurting and having no clue how to help myself do something about it and feeling not one millimeter, not one nanosecond closer to the end of it. I am so tired of seeing no end in sight.
My parents are having their hardwood floors redone in less than a week and I have these thoughts of sitting at the bottom of the stairs steeping myself in the fumes until I pass out or worse.
I tried to reach out, too. I got onto Y! Messenger and sent out "are you there?" to two people and there's nobody there just like there's never anybody fucking there.
Just fucking pray for me and pray hard. Please. I am trying to hang on for dear life but I am a human being with a limit.
Please, God, hear me and stop fucking jerking me around. Please.
Lisa
Comments
Mona Lisa
I here your cry for help. I don't know what I can do to help, But I am hee when you need me.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
call for help
Please hun, look for professional help, call a suicide prevention line, call a friend, do something, and dont give up. Call on me anytime.
I'm on yahoo messenger almost all the time
I'll pm my address if you'd like to talk. Much love, Andrea
She was born for all the wrong reasons
but grew up for all the right ones
Con grande amore e di affetto, Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Well, I've survived again. :)
I took a six-mile walk today. Walking until you can't walk anymore is a great way to dispose of pent up emotion - especially on a gorgeous sunny day.
I'm glad I can turn to this site and this community when I'm going through difficult times. It makes a world of difference.
I think I've realized something I wasn't aware of before. I knew (or was at least questioning) that I am transsexual by the time I was three years old. The little girl next door to us, one year older than me, had a boyish bowl cut when we moved next door to them when she was three and I was two and not long after we moved in I remember thinking (or saying) something like "If she has short hair like mine then maybe I can be a girl, too!"
The thing is, I think I have (consciously or otherwise) blamed myself for allowing myself to repress my true identity for thirty years instead of saying something - or continuing to say something until somebody listened - but hey I was a child.
I guess I'll need to work on letting go of that and banishing it from my mind and my heart.
Many thanks to all who responded.
Grateful hug,
Lisa